I quietly sob into my blanket. i didnt have breakdowns often but when i did they were pretty nasty. I'd been so carefull for so long and one little slip up could ruin everything. Later i'd find joel and tell him i was just joking.. It was just a stupid joke. Sure he might hate me but why do i care. I dont get attached. Whatever. I wipe my eyes and force a smile. I grin at myself in the mirror creepily. I robotically grab my stuff for school and walk to the bus stop.
I see Joel sitting in the middle of the sidewalk by the bus stop, his head in his phone. I peer over his shoulder and see he's texting Hannah. I scowl but smile as he tirns around. I go and stand by the little sign. we sit in silence as the bus stops and we clamber on.
I sit in Mrs.Chubbynubbins class waiting for the period to start. The day went by pretty quickly and it was already last period. Our drawings are due at the end of this period so i pull mine out as a kurfuffled looking Mrs. Chubbynubbins enters the class.
" alright butterflies go ahead and finish your drawings. If you need any help, let me know." She smiles sweetly. I notice joels absense but shrug it off. I've finished the majority of my drawing, i just need to outline it and colour what i like most about him... I couldnt find anything and groaned in frustration.
By the end of the period i still havent highlighted anything in joels features. thats when i realize. I like joel. Not like like, but i do like him somehow. not just any of his features. I like the.way he thinks, the way he doesnt care what other people think. His small acts of rebellion. Well.... I sigh and start to scold myself. People are dangerous. The only person you should ever be dependant of is yourself. Well shit. And the bell rings.
I stumble out of the class, absentmindly. I head to my locker to take out my stuff and head home. My heart feels heavy, weighted with unfamiliar heartbreak. I keep my jaw clentched as if i'll break out screaming if i don't. The emotions of the day welling up inside of me and sits in my stomach like a rock. Closing my locker, I hear a familiar voice, adressing somebody who is not me.
Joel.
Joel walks past me and up to Hannah, smilling. Hannah wraps her arms around Joel affectionatly.
There are tears in my eyes yet im not sure why. I turn away and run out of the school unable to see anymore. This was so weird.. i havent felt much since Sydney died so this was odd. I suddenly feel angry. Not at joel or stupid hannah, more so myself. The main question running through my higgledy piggledy thoughts was why was i feeling this way. Well you wanna know why? Because frankly im a stupid hormonal teenager. Thats why. And i can tell you i did not like it one single bit...
