to the moon & to saturn | cate blanchett

chapter 23

Dylan let Elle mope for almost a week before forcing her to get out of bed. One morning, she barreled into her room and threw open the curtains. Elle made an indistinguishable noise and pulled her bedding over her head. The incoming sunlight through the windows blinded her.

"No," she groaned.

"Your body needs to move," Dylan urged gently. "Come on, let's wash your sheets. Get you into a new outfit. Brush your hair. I'll help if you want."

Elle appreciated Dylan and she knew that her roommate was only trying to help, but she didn't want to wash her sheets. They still smelled like Cate, secreting the fresh hints of her lavender and vanilla scented perfume.

It allowed her to be close to the woman without actually talking to her, something she hadn't done yet.

Every night, she slept curled up in tear-soaked sheets with her nose buried in the material. Every morning, she dismissed the missed call and voicemail notifications without a second thought.

She simply was not ready to hear Cate's voice or speak to her.

Mechanically, Elle rolled out of her bed. Every muscle in her body was stiff, so she stretched her arms up to the ceiling and arched her back. She already felt the desire to wrap herself back in her sheets like a butterfly in a cocoon, but Dylan started to gather them. Elle put her hand on Dylan's arm.

"Uh — I don't want to wash those yet," she mumbled. "Can we start with something else?"

"Sure, whatever you're comfortable with," said Dylan. "Maybe a shower?"

Elle lifted her shirt up to her face and smelled the fabric. Somehow she had ignored her own personal scent, too focused on the remnants of Cate's perfume. "Fuck. Yeah."

In the shower, she turned the nozzle harshly to the right, the furthest it could go. Freezing cold water poured over her.

She felt like a prisoner in her own body; Cate's touch lingered on every inch of her skin. She felt the woman's delicate phantom hands trailing down her arms, her tongue grazing the inside of her thighs, and her breath whispering her name in her ear. Her skin burned with ghosts of Cate's hot breath, even though the water was a numbing temperature.

When she got out of the shower and dried herself off, she couldn't remember if she even washed her hair at all. Shivering, she got back in and scrubbed the shampoo and conditioner into her hair as quickly as possible. After a final rinse with the frigid water, she stepped out of the shower and slipped on a pair of grey sweatpants and matching t-shirt.

Carefully, she ran a brush through her tangled hair and applied a face mask as an easy replacement for her skin care. Her skin needed more attention than that, but she only felt like putting forward the bare minimum in terms of effort.

Nothing mattered without Cate.

There was an easy step she could take to fix their relationship: get over her stubbornness and call the damn woman. The least she could do was let Cate explain. But what was there to explain? Cate kissed another woman, and not just any woman. Her fucking ex-girlfriend. It seemed pretty straight forward to Elle.

No matter how hard Elle tried to overcome her stubbornness, she couldn't. There was an internal anger that stirred within her, but her main feelings were of sadness and loss. She mourned the loss of the best relationship of her life; she was positive that no other woman would compare to Cate. Which meant she would be alone for the rest of her life...something she was struggling to come to terms with.

She walked out to the living room and stated, "I showered."

Dylan gave her a thumbs up. "Proud of you."