to the moon & to saturn | cate blanchett

chapter 22

1:58 am

In the early hours of the morning, Elle found herself with blurry vision and her head in the toilet bowl, staring intently at the white porcelain. It was extremely difficult to open her droopy eyes, let alone focus on anything. Her stomach churned as she leaned into the bowl.

At least someone had changed her clothes so she didn't puke all over one of Cate's expensive designs. Not that it mattered anymore. Cate hadn't appeared to bother herself with petty thoughts like Elle's emotions when she was ripping her heart out of her chest, so she shouldn't feel bad for destroying one of her pieces.

"Wow, you don't drink much, huh?" Sarah asked in a calm voice from her position behind Elle. She held back the young girl's hair and rubbed her back in soothing motions.

"My dad was an alcoholic," mumbled Elle.

"Ah, well I feel like a jackass."

"Don't. It's okay," said Elle firmly. "Lord, what time is it?"

Sarah told her the time and the girl groaned. She wiped her mouth off before she said, "I'm sorry that you've been coerced into taking care of me. I'm also sorry for ruining your night, and for —"

"Shhh," soothed Sarah. "Honey, stop apologizing. There's no need."

The vomit seemed to have subsided, so she sat up against the bathroom wall and gave Sarah a weak smile and a thumbs up. At least the floor stopped spinning. There was just a constant drum in her head and it felt like every noise was amplified a thousand times, including the toilet flush, which was ringing fervently in her ears.

"I think I'm dying," said Elle. She massaged her temple in an attempt to alleviate the pain.

"No, honey. You're not dying," said Sarah. She tried to keep a straight face but a laugh slipped through. "Sorry, I'm not laughing at you. I'm reminiscing on the fun mornings in college we had that were so similar to this one."

"Fun is a relative term," said Elle. "And I'd love to hear those stories later, after I'm finished puking my guts out."

Sarah offered her a consoling smile. Her eyes were weary and her face tired, but she stood up to go to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water.

In the short seconds before her return, an inflow of intrusive thoughts flooded Elle's head. Flashbacks from hours before: the stark purple color (now her most despised color in the entire universe) on Cate's lips, the suffocating feeling of realization that Cate kissed Sandra, and the Uber home when she wept profusely into Sarah's lap.

She thought that Cate was the one, but she was just another disappointment.

Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me.

"Here, drink up," said Sarah, extending the bottle of water to Elle. She resumed her previous position on the floor, sitting perched on her knees in front of the young woman. She wore one of Elle's oversized adidas shirts and a pair of black cotton shorts.

"I hope you don't mind that I borrowed your clothes," said Sarah. "I didn't want to ruin my ravioli dress. I'll need it later to make pasta."

Elle chuckled hoarsely at Sarah's joke.

"Borrow whatever you need," she said. "Clothes...food....my girlfriend. Oh wait, Sandra already staked her claim on that one."

Sarah chewed on the inside of her cheek.

Refreshed after drinking almost the full bottle, Elle tried to muster up the energy to ask Sarah a few questions about the night's events. Sarah sensed that Elle wanted to discuss it, but she put an end to that conversation before it could even begin.