100 Days Without You (COMPLETED)

11. Singto's Diary - 80 days without you

Day -10

Dear Krist,
I'm so angry at you. Beyond angry. I don't understand you. You keep telling me you love me, but you won't listen. You seem to forget that there are two of us in this relationship. My feelings are valid too - but oh no, Krist Perawat is the only one who matters.

Why the hell won't you listen? I can't bear this.

You are everything to me. I don't know how else I can tell you that. From the second we met you filled up my life - you banished the dark places with your bright smile, with your endless optimism and constant energy. I was dazzled by you Krist. I've told you this. I was dazzled by everything about you.

Yes you pissed me off regularly too. You managed to hit my weak spots and you pushed me too far sometimes, but you made me feel like I was finally someone worthy.

I could be an actor. I could have fans. I was good enough to continue in the business. I could sing. I could make my family proud. You made me feel all of that.

But you can't force me to do what you want. We've been through this. Events where you went solo and then pouted at me after - I needed the time to myself. You might have filled all my dark places, Krist, but I still needed time to myself. I like to be alone. You know that. You know me. More than anyone in the world, you know me.

So you knew how to hurt me. I can't believe the conversation we've just had. You insulted me beyond anything I've felt before. I know you're hurt. But I explained so many times. So many days how I feel.

I love you, Krist.

You and only you.

I'm in love with you more than I could ever tell you in words. But you're not my owner. I'm not another of your cats to be fed and paraded. I love them - you know I do and you're amazing with them, but I'm not one of them.

I just wanted space. I wanted to have this moment where I can breathe deeply without having to worry who was watching me. I want to learn. I want to become what I can be. And I want that for you too. You know I do, because you know me.

So, I'm mad at you.

I love you, but god, for a moment I hated you. It breaks my heart to write that. But it's true.

I drove on tiny winding roads to escape that fight. That's how much I couldn't do it.

But you don't know. I crashed that car. I hit a tree Krist. I'm fine. Of course I'm fine. But I was stuck in my head. The way you yelled at me, the way I yelled at you. It was there in my head swirling around and I didn't concentrate. I didn't hurt myself. But I totalled that car. P'Jane had to pay a lot to hush it up. You don't even know.

What's the point of writing this? It's to get it out of my head. All I can think about it you. The words you said.

I took you to Phuket because I wanted the most romantic and happy memory I could give us.

I didn't say we were breaking up. I asked you for a break, Krist. Not a full stop.

I love you. I don't ever want to be without you. But I need to go and do this alone. I don't want the press hounding me. I don't want 'fans' in my lectures. I want a year or two of hard work and the normality I remember in my first years at Uni. I want that. Just for now.

If you'd let me finish speaking, in Phuket, I would have said that I wanted you to come and see me. That I already paid for a ticket so you could come at Thanksgiving. But it's useless now. Isn't it?

I wanted some freedom, Krist. Not from you or from our love. From the rest. But you're part of the rest now, because you wouldn't listen. You wouldn't give me a second to breathe.