Letters To And From

The Fin Of It All: Kade:

Except I don't tell Anth the truth. What am I supposed to do? Write him a letter.. he doesn't want to hear from me. He's trying to find his own happiness and that would defeat the purpose. Oh and to quote Ross from friends "We were on a break!"

But something odd but pleasant starts happening over the next week or so. There's this flirtatious banter that develops between Fin and I and we start to become closer than we have ever been. We spend late nights on his balcony talking about not much and everything.
One night He tells me about his days at the bakery and how at first he was terrible at it but now he actually enjoys it, having gotten used to it all.
"What are you going to do after we graduate?" He asks me and I realise we will actually end up graduating together now. Though he is doing VCAL and I'm doing VCE.

"Something to do with writing, whether it's fictional or non fictional I haven't decided yet." I say as I follow him to sit on the double seater couch he has put out here. My knee brushes against his and he smiles this tantalising smile. I just watch him for a minute. He watches me right back through his long eyelashes that flicker on his soft dark cheeks.

"What do you prefer?" He says suddenly and I've forgotten what we were talking about.
"Huh?"
"Fiction on non fiction?"
But I know what he's really asking. Is this fiction or non fiction?
A few days ago I would have said fiction.. but right now in this moment with his hand brushing against mine and his big brown eyes twinkling along with the stars in the sky.. it feels less like fiction but still tantalising.
"More towards Non fiction." I say. He smiles and suddenly we are face to face. 
"More towards?" He asks softly. 
I decide to cut the crap.
"There's something here. Something real. I feel it. But it's like my heart belongs to two people."

"I've heard a little love is better than none." He quotes Ariana Grande. Well actually Harry Styles. And it's adorable but he deserves more than half of me. So when he leans in to kiss me I put my hand against his chest to stop him. He stops and just looks at me with this dreamy look on his face. He's too cute. My heart.

"I don't want to hurt you." I say.
"You're not." He insists. I can feel the warmth of his breath on my face and the smell of mint from his toothpaste. Tantalising.
"Not yet." I say pulling back.
"Kade, Can't we just be together.. even just for the here and now." His soft finger traces the freckles on that fall across my nose. For a minute it's bliss. And I can feel just how much he wants me, through his words and touch alone. Tantalising.

This is Fin, he's beautiful, sweet and most of all uncomplicated. I could do uncomplicated. I deserved uncomplicated for once in my life.
And I cannot take it anymore. I want him too, I may be working out everything still but I can give the right here, night now.

I lean forward and kiss him. His face literally lights up before my eyes before our lips meet. And when they do I smile briefly into them before it turns into this soft and tender kiss. My whole body feels it. His fingers through my hair and mine on his neck. It goes from tender to passionate very fast.

He is breathing fast and as he stops to take a breath he says. "Shall we take this inside?" In the gentlest, shy and most Fin way ever. But still my body freezes up and involuntarily jolts back. His eyes widen. But There's no hurt, disappointment and most importantly there's no force. It's just pure concern. I relax slightly.

"It's okay," he says. "I was probably a little too forward anyway." And he allows himself a little laugh. And I can't help but smile. Too damn cute for this world.

"It's not you Finni." 
Finni? Kade what the hell? Retract.. abort mission!
But he smiles. "There's just a bit of dysphoria around.. that for me." I explain.
A look comes over his face that I can only describe as complete understanding and maybe a little bit of sympathy.

"You didn't owe me an explanation. You know you can just say no." He says taking my hand in his lightly
Everything he does and everything he says is so tender.. how did he get like this. It's so comforting.

"I know." I say. "But there's no point beating around the bush. I want to be honest with you, that's all." I say and it's weird. I never told Anth that dysphoria as the reason I wasn't ready. But Fin.. he just brought out the honesty in me. And more than that I wanted to tell him.. I wanted him to know, to understand what I'm feeling.

He smiles. "You are beautiful." He says. "I watched you at school even before you were friends with my sister and you just had this quiet grace to you."

I laugh. "The quiet grace of a loner perhaps. You sap." I tease.

"I'm serious." He says and looks a little hurt.
I squeeze his hand.

"Then your a serious sap." I giggle. He laughs.

The night sky becomes darker still. Soon neither of us can keep our eyes open much longer. Hand in hand we say our good nights. He politely kisses my cheek and I turn his head gently so our lips meet instead and like every time they do his sweet face lights up.

Oh sweet, sweet Fin. Sweet uncomplicated and adorable Fin.