Various Fandoms Oneshots

Thou Art a Gargantuan Noob

Fandom: Merlin

Characters: Merlin, Arthur, OC, Gwaine, the knights.

Canon Pairings

Desc: Sam, the new guy among the guards, arrests a man he thinks to be an enemy of the crown but is, in fact, just an idiot. Tired!Arthur and Amused!Merlin. Why do my fics always end up being so long?? Minor language warning!

Crack

Word Count: 2'486

Sam shuffled uncomfortably in his heavy armour, leaning from foot to foot in a mostly fruitless attempt to stop each from falling asleep. He had to admit, guard wouldn't have been his first choice of occupation if he had to repeat the last few weeks, but in the flurry of moving to Camelot, meeting the honest to gods King Arthur, and trying to find a stable job and small living space that he didn't either share with rats or unfortunate drunk roommates, he hadn't had much time or energy to give all that much coherent thought to the whole thing. To be fair, however, there were certainly worse jobs—he had learned that upon his first day when he came across a teenaged boy mucking out the entirety of the kings stables on his own—and it paid well and had fairly reasonable hours. Sam always made an effort to be a 'goblet half full' kinda guy.

He sighed, then winced, as the pins and needles feeling he was trying to avoid crept up his legs. He leaned awkwardly on his wooden-handled spear, giving him some relief. In an effort to take his mind off things, both physical and mental, he focused his gaze on the busying marketplace before him, absentmindedly eyeing the wide cast of characters spread out before him. (Sam didn't quite get yet that the gist of guarding was to, in fact, guard, and while other guards would diligently scan their area, he preferred to idly stand by and shake himself from his thoughts once in a while. He was lucky everyone cut him some slack cause he was a 'country bumpkin', but not so lucky that this excuse would last indefinitely. Sam was not, to be completely honest, a spectacularly good guard.)

On both sides of the plaza, and the subsequent roads leading off of it, stood an array of stands, displaying their wares—including colourful fabrics, steaming foods, and all types of services—and engaging with customers. The citizens of Camelot bustled about, buying goods and chatting freely, the sounds of laughter and the patter of feet filling the square, children darting between their guardians legs and giggling. Sam couldn't help but smile along with the rest. He was already becoming fond of Camelot, its eccentricities and oddities included.

Suddenly, a chorus of greetings and chuckles brought Sam's attention back to the side of the square he'd surveyed first, and he raised a suspicious eyebrow as a young serving boy weaved clumsily through the crowd, an infectious grin on his face and peculiar red bandana around his neck, a selection of maces and bludgeons held haphazardly in his skinny arms.

With a cheerful, "Sorry, everyone, no time for pleasantries, His Majesty awaits!" The raven haired man gave an awkward half wave around his cargo, and slipped through the final damn of people in a burst, nearly dropping everything to the ground. At the last second, he righted himself, and continued on so casually that Sam got the impression such near-accidents tended to happen often.

Eyeing the weapons in the mans arms warily as he strolled nearer, Sam's suspicion grew as the realization that a servant had no business carrying dangerous weaponry around dawned.

"Hey, you!" Sam barked brazenly, as the servant passed by.

Pointing a sceptical finger at himself, the man changed course and walked up to stand in front of Sam when the guard gave a stiff nod of confirmation.

"What exactly are you planning to use those contrabands for?" Sam prodded in what he hoped was a tough voice. He didn't actually know if maces were contrabands per se, but it didn't matter much because it sounded very professional and threatening.