Breathe

Chapter 46

"One day the sky will crack open and the stars will pour out in waves of moonlight, and there if your love." -Unknown

When I open my eyes I see the same thing as when my eyes were closed. Darkness consumes the room and my entire body feels at peace. I feel as if I've finally caught up on my sleep. Luke and I have been staying up far too late these past few nights. Not that I mind, but I really love sleep. 

I roll over to the other side of the bed, but Luke's body isn't there. I reach over to the nightstand and flip the switch. The dim lamp illuminates the bed, confirming Luke's absence. In his place on the top of his pillow is a cream colored envelope. My name appears written on the front in black pen with two lines underneath my name. I turn it over and open it to find multiple pieces of paper with his handwriting on every line. I begin reading.

Vanessa,

I'm not quite sure how to write love letters. I've sat here for twenty minutes now thinking of how to start this, but I've come to the conclusion that there isn't a proper way to begin. So, now I'm writing. I don't want to be cliche and write how we'll be together forever because I can't predict the future. And quite honestly, that frustrates me. You've told me countless times how you hate surprises, and I do too. I don't like to gamble with my life, so it frustrates me that we are not certain. And it scares me that someday you might not be mine. You could move across the country. We could attend different colleges. Simply put, life could happen. My point is that despite the fact that we may not last forever, I don't want to dwell on that thought. I could sit here and write about the future I want with you, but I don't like planning. I would rather our future be unplanned and surprising because that will allow a greater life experience. Instead, I'm going to tell you what I feel about you, which might be difficult since I'm not the greatest with words. But I'll try, for you.

Before you, I can only recall one moment in my life where I felt true serenity. I was eight years old, and I lived in a different house. I had a huge playground in my backyard. It's what I asked for on my seventh birthday. Late at night I would sneak out of the house and lay on the merry-go-round at the playground. I used my feet to make it spin and then laid on my back, staring up at the stars. When I was younger I had the craziest obsession with stars. I never understood what they were or where they came from, but I knew they were beautiful and mysterious. And that was enough to make me lay out on my merry-go-round every night that my parents were fighting. I used to hear them screaming at each other almost every night. I couldn't bare to stay around long enough to comprehend the conversations. Every time they fought, I would run outside to my playground. My getaway. But I distinctly remember one night. It was my eighth birthday. They began screaming, and I snuck out of my house as a habit to avoid the screaming. The stars were somehow clearer that night, and I'm not sure why. I told myself that the stars were shining brighter in honor of my birthday. I was happy to be eight years old. Being seven was one of the worst years of my life. My parents were actually home for the majority of that year, and I didn't see Anne very often. You would think because my parents were home that I would've been happier, but it was the opposite. They couldn't stand each other, and still to this day, I don't know what the fights were about. I thought turning eight would be the start of a brand new year. While I was spinning on the merry-go-round with thoughts were rushing through my head, the screaming suddenly stopped. Out of nowhere, the screaming from my parents and the thoughts in my mind went completely silent. I was staring up at the stars and I felt at peace. I think about that moment so often. There have been times in my life where I have felt happy, but almost nothing compares to that moment. It was somehow different. After a year of fighting, I felt serenity. I always thought that was something I shouldn't have had to feel at the age of eight. I should have been practicing baseball with my dad or playing at the park with friends. But instead, I would lay on my back, looking up at the stars hoping for peace and quiet. And finally it came, and no other moment had compared to it until I met you. I feel as if that moment plays on repeat when we're together. Pure serenity.

The things I love most about you are the things you most likely don't realize. I love the way you fake a giggle when I make a bad joke to make me feel better. You think you're fooling me, but I know the difference between your real laugh and your fake laugh. And it's just as adorable as the way a blush creeps upon your cheeks when you're embarrassed around me. Which, by the way, you should never be. Because you're everything I've ever wanted in life, so don't be embarrassed about anything. Because I love you. And part of being in love is accepting every flaw of your being. 

I love when you're too tired to keep your eyes open, but the rest of your body stays awake just to hear my voice. I love how my voice somehow keeps your body up and running even though it's begging you for sleep. I would stay up for hours upon hours for you. I love staying up until four in the morning staring at the ceiling discussing life. Your perception of the human life is extraordinarily beautiful but terrifying. You hold back judgement of others and always see the good in people. I think your view on life is terrifying because it's real. And I never took into account how fragile our lives are until you brought it up. You have given me fear but also desire. Most importantly, you gave me hope.

I love the way your fingertips brush over my hair when you think I'm asleep, but really I'm just savoring the moment. And I love when I can feel the heartbeat from your chest when you lay on my body. I love when your lips leave an imprint on coffee mugs from your lipstick. I love when you get dolled up for me. I may not remind you enough, but I do appreciate how much effort you put into your looks, even though you don't need to. I've seen you with and without makeup, and I promise you're perfect either way. You may not think so, but I will remind you until you believe it yourself. 

I love when we lay on the couch and simply lay there. We don't have to be speaking, kissing, or anything more than just enjoying each others company. I love staying in pajamas or having you wear my clothes. I love when you speak of the future and what you hope to accomplish in life. I love hearing you ramble about old memories. I love listening to you explain why you love certain movie scenes so much. I love how close you keep novels to your heart. I love when you read books aloud until we drift to sleep.

I want you to know that I will always love you. I love you every moment of every day whether I'm showing it or not. Despite mistakes and flaws, I love you. And I try to show you every day, whether you notice or not. Whether it's reminding you to wear your seatbelt or buying you a library, I truly try to show you. And I think you notice because you always reciprocate one way or another. I know I'm not good with putting my feelings into words, but I tried my hardest. I love you. Always.

Luke

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hiiii cuties :) I cut my finger really bad today omg it hurt to type this chapter hahah

not positive, but I think the climax/end of the book is coming soon(ish). Idk we'll see. I'm going to attempt to plan out the rest of this book this week.

my spring break just finished aw :( if your's if just starting then I hope you're having fun :D love you guys :)

twitter: @5secsofkelsie