Breathe

Chapter 1

PLEASE READ: AFTER I GOT FURTHER INTO MY STORY, I REALIZE THAT THIS CHAPTER SEEMS REALLY DEPRESSING AND CLICHÉ AND I WISH I HAD WRITTEN A DIFFERENT BEGINNING SO I'LL PROBABLY CHANGE IT, EVENTUALLY. THIS IS THE ONLY "DEPRESSING" CHAPTER OF THE BOOK BUT PLEASE DON'T LET THIS CHAPTER KEEP YOU FROM READING MY BOOK. TO BE HONEST YOU COULD JUST SKIP TO CHAPTER 2 IF YOU WANT LOL. ANYWAYS, I PROMISE IT GETS MUCH BETTER ONCE YOU GET DEEPER INTO THE BOOK. OK THAT'S ALL I LOVE YOU GUYS AND SORRY THIS IS IN CAPS.

"A heart that hurts is a heart that works." -Placebo

Sunday August 18th, 2013 9:43pm

Dear Diary,

Today was the same.  I didn't feel any change in myself except my heart sinking deeper.  Does everyone feel like this?  It's like a heavy burden of despair dangling over me.  I'm scared to tell someone how much I'm hurting.  Why doesn't it go away? All I want is for someone to just take away the pain.  

It's like I can feel myself crumbling every time I exhale.  My faith that positivity will come depletes every second of every day. I don't want to feel this way.  I actually hate feeling this way.  I want to get better, I just don't know how.  Maybe I should see a therapist?  I don't want my parents thinking I'm crazy, because I'm not.  I'm just not happy.  Maybe if I see a therapist, I could say these things to someone instead of just writing them down.  It would feel good to say these things out loud to a person who might actually understand me.  I can't risk my parents finding out though, they'd send me to some mental asylum.  They're overprotective and it's suffocating.

Valerie helps sometimes.  She's the only person who I trust and is the only one that can make me truly laugh.  Everyone pretends to be my friend, but I know they're all fake.  They think I don't notice them laughing behind my back, but I do.  I'm thankful for Val, but I'm starting to think only having one true friend won't be enough in the long run.  I'm constantly worried she'll get sick of me someday and that she'll leave me just like everyone else has.  You'd think after being friends with her since 3rd grade, it would push away the feeling, but it doesn't.  

I guess until the darkness disappears I'm stuck like this.  I don't really want to be here, but I don't want to hurt anyone by not being here.  I feel like I'm stuck between right and wrong.

On another note, school starts tomorrow and I'm not ready to go back yet.  Another year to bullshit my way through classes.   Honestly all we do throughout high school is learn how to pass classes.  Keeping my 4.0 GPA isn't that hard since apparently I'm "naturally gifted" with intelligence.  It would be so easy to give up though. I don't even know why I keep trying in school.  Maybe it's because someday I'll get out of this state of mind and actually want to do something great with my life.  I can only hope that day comes.

August 20th, 2013 4:47pm

Dear Diary,

The first 2 days of school were bearable, except for all the girls screeching about seeing their friends for the first time in months.  My classes this year aren't too bad.  I think photography is going to be one of my favorites.

I'm glad I have most of my classes with Valerie. I'm still annoyed our teachers still make us do the "get to know your classmates" activities. Like, seriously? I know our high school is kind of big, but I've been in school with most of these people since kindergarten. If I wanted to know them, I would.

So something interesting happened today.  I'm going to therapy tomorrow. This morning when my mom asked if I was okay, I was honest and told her no. I don't tell her much usually, but I'm glad I told her I wanted to see someone.  She didn't ask many questions when I asked if I could talk to someone about my personal issues.  I thought it was almost weird that she didn't shovel questions and worry down my throat.  Usually she would have intrusively interrogated me. She probably just figured I'm having boy troubles or friend drama. If only she knew. The best thing about going to this therapist is that she can't tell my mom anything that I say during the sessions.  She's, like, sworn to secrecy or something.

I guess I don't have much to write about today.  I'm nervous about this therapist, but I want to get better.  I'll see if I have time to write after my session tomorrow.

August 23rd, 2013 7:19pm

Dear Diary,

This school week was just like any other, boring.  Everyone at school just annoys me and I don't even have a reason why. They just do.  

I still haven't wrote about my therapy session, but I think that's okay.  Everything I would write, I told her.  I don't have much time right now to write down everything about it anyways.  To put it simply, it felt great to have her just sit there and listen.  I think this will be good for me.

I'm glad the week is over.  Friday and Saturday are my favorite days of the week.  Valerie told me that she's taking me to a party tonight.  I think it's strange that she doesn't even know whose party it is though.  Isn't it kind of rude if we go and don't know the host?  I don't know.  I'm sure she'll get drunk off her ass, and I'll have to take care of her.  I don't drink at any of the parties we go to, and I don't want to ever start.  I'm not sure why I don't drink because I'm sure it would temporarily take away the pain from the emptiness burning in my chest.  However, the next day the pain would still be there along with a massive headache, so I might as well stay away from alcohol.  I need to focus on overcoming my state of mind.

I got caught up in another "trance" today during English.  These "trances" I have are strange.  It's like I'm unconsciously awake.  That makes no sense, but complete sense at the same time.  The best way to explain it is like dreaming while awake, but it's different than daydreaming. I'm shit at explaining things.  Anyways, these deep, darkening thoughts consume my mind and I don't think I have control over them.  I'm not sure how long I was out today, but I would assume it wasn't too long since I was in class.

Enough of that for now. I'm leaving soon to go meet Valerie at the party.  I hope I don't get lost on the drive there since it's out of town.  Should I curl my hair? Or is that going to look too fancy?  Maybe I'll just do loose curls.  I don't go to enough parties to know what the 'appropriate' look is.  I'll probably keep my makeup light tonight.  I don't want to cake it on like most of the other girls that are going will.  

        It's not like I have anyone to impress anyways.  Who could possibly take interest in someone like me? Someone who's broken.  I just want someone to save me.