When you're ready

15. When you're ready

It all felt like a daydream to Camila, how everything had happened. One second she was standing in front of her locker as Shawn looked at her from where he was with Brian, then the other she spotted that same guy with the green hoodie from the first day. She didn’t know the guy at all, but what he was wearing brought her back to two years ago in an instant. She felt frozen, it was like she could hear her own voice screaming again. She only noticed she was still in that hallway when Shawn touched her arm, but when he saw the tear on her face she knew he would ask her what that was about, so she just walked away. She couldn’t help crying, not only for the memories that kept haunting her but because deep down she knew she would eventually tell Shawn about it and she didn’t want to relive it all again. She had repeated that story over and over when it first happened and she had promised herself she wouldn’t do that ever again.

 Camila wasn’t sure how she ended up in Shawn's car, but now as she raised her hand up to touch her lips, she could still feel the kiss he gave her a few minutes ago. Had he meant it? Had he kissed her because he was in shock that she had just spoken? Had he done it just in an attempt to calm her down?

 She could also feel his stare, watching her and making sure she wasn’t crying again, but also expecting her to say anything out loud at any second. She hadn’t planned for it to happen. Sure, since they met Camila had felt the need to talk to him, but she didn’t think she would actually do it. She hadn’t used her voice in such a long time and it felt so foreign to her. It didn’t even feel like the words were coming out of her own lips, but she couldn’t hold it in. His name was burning in her tongue, forcing its way out, and somehow it felt like she had been waiting all along to call out his name.

 Shawn didn’t seem to care that they were skipping a bunch of classes and Camila felt relieved that his first instinct was to ask her if she wanted to go home. Of course they ended up at his house and not hers, and as they walked in silence into his living room, she realized she was getting used to spending time there. Lately, she had been spending more time at Shawn’s house than her aunt’s house if she thought about it.

 Camila noticed when Shawn’s neighbor that took care of his grandpa entered the room, probably startled by the noise. She greeted them, but never asked what they were doing out of school so early, just going back to his grandpa’s room and leaving Shawn and Camila alone again. They were both standing in the middle of the room, looking at each other for a long time before Shawn finally spoke.

 “ I’ll just go talk to my grandpa for a second.” He said slowly and looked at her for a few seconds afterward as if waiting for her to say anything out loud again.

 Camila just nodded her head, not because she didn’t want to speak to him again, but because she felt scared to do it. Earlier her voice had come without her even thinking about it, but now she felt nervous about consciously doing it. Shawn disappeared down the hallway and Camila took a breath, looking around for a few seconds before her eyes stopped on the piano at the corner. She had seen it before, in fact, she had noticed the instrument since the first time she went to his house. It was like it was calling her every time she was there, but this time she finally let herself walk to where it was.

 She let her hand touch the keys, looking at the few framed pictures on top of it before finally sitting down. There was a picture of a young girl that Camila was almost sure was Shawn’s sister. She looked so happy, smiling at the camera as the wind blew a few strands of her light brown hair over her face. She had been wondering about Shawn’s family for a while now and she knew she could get that information from anyone at school, but she didn’t think that was fair. She knew he would tell her about them when he wanted to, but she didn’t think she had the right to ask. She couldn’t demand answers from him when she wasn’t willing to give him the ones she knew he wanted to know about her as well. She knew she would want to tell him about it eventually, but for now, she just wasn’t ready for it.

 “ Do you play?” Shawn’s voice startled her, making her look over her shoulder to see him standing a few feet away, looking at her with curiosity. She could tell he had so many questions but was trying not to overwhelm her.

 Camila nodded her head again and looked back at the piano, finally letting her fingers play a few chords. It didn’t sound as she expected to, after all, her hands weren’t able to play the same way anymore and she hadn’t practiced in over a year.

 “ Not like I used to.” Camila finally let herself speak out loud, feeling this weird mixture of relief and fear by hearing her own voice. She didn’t dare to look at Shawn again, feeling him sitting down next to her, his face watching her as she kept staring at her hands on the keys. “ I know you have a lot of questions.”

 “ I do, but I don’t want you to feel forced to tell me anything.” He said quietly, making her finally look at him. “ You can tell whatever you want when you’re ready.”

 “ Thank you.” She smiled at him and looked down again as she felt one of his hands on hers, interlocking their fingers.

 “ This was hers.” Shawn told her after a few minutes of silence. “ The piano. It was my sister's.”

 “ This is her, right?” Camila asked, referring to the picture she had been looking at.

 “ Yes. I love this picture.” Shawn said with a smile, his hand still holding Camila’s. “ It was a car accident-”

 “ You don’t need to tell me.” She cut him off, placing her other hand on his arm.

 “ But I want to. Is that okay?” He said without looking at her.

 “ Of course.” Camila whispered, squeezing his hand a little.

 “ My mother was driving, my sister was in the passenger seat and I was in the back. We were just singing along with the radio when another car ran a red light and hit us.” Camila looked up at his face, but he didn’t have any tears. It was almost like he was used to the story at this point. “ My mother didn’t even make it to the hospital, but my sister did. She was in surgery for hours, but she didn’t make it either. I guess I was the lucky one. Just a broken leg and a small concussion.”

 Camila rested her head on his shoulder as she heard his words. She wanted to say how sorry she was that he went through that, but she knew he didn’t want to hear that. He had probably heard it so many times.

 “ When was that?” She whispered.

 “ Last year.” He finally looked down at her and she could see in his eyes he felt relieved for finally telling her about it.

 “ What about your father?” She asked cautiously, knowing they had been close too since there were pictures of him all over the house as well.

 “ He passed from lung cancer a year before that.” He said quietly.

 Camila lifted her head from his shoulder and looked into his eyes before wrapping her arms around his shoulders and hugging him tightly. Shawn reciprocated the hug immediately and they just stayed there, holding each other for a long time as she processed the reality of what he had gone through in such a short period of time. The worst part was that she could tell he knew his grandfather wouldn’t be there for much longer either. She had her fair share of pain and trauma, but she had no idea what it was like to lose your entire family and still be able to live your life like Shawn was doing.