When you're ready

18. You can cry

Camila watched from across the room as Shawn wrote down notes in his notebook, his face concentrated as if he had already forgotten what had happened earlier that day. She knew better than that though. She could tell this was his way of distracting his mind and as long as it was effective, she wouldn’t argue. Brian had stopped by earlier to drop notes from all the classes Shawn hadn’t attended these past few days and if he was surprised that Camila was there, he didn’t show. He didn’t try to stay and Camila started to think maybe this was something he was already used to. Shawn liked to be alone during times like these and he respected that, unlike herself.

 She was laying down on his bed as he sat down by the desk on the corner of his bedroom, writing down everything fast. She wasn’t really sure how they ended up in his bedroom, but now it was late and she could feel herself getting tired. Her eyes were starting to close and she couldn’t stop herself from yawning, making Shawn finally look up from what he was doing to watch her.

 “ I think I should go.” Camila told him, sitting up on his bed and noticing all the wrinkles in the black dress she was still wearing from the funeral earlier that day.

 “ Do you have to?” Shawn asked in a pleading tone of voice that made her want to immediately agree to stay.

 “ It’s getting late.” She stood up and walked to where he was, feeling how cold the floor was under her feet.

 “ Please.” Shawn whispered as she stopped in front of him, her eyes almost the same level as his even though he was sitting down and she was standing up. “ Can’t you stay the night? I hate being all alone here.”

 “ My aunt is home tonight. She’ll notice I’m not there.” Camila wished she could take those words back the second she saw the expression on his face. She watched as he reached for her arm, his hand touching her elbow and sliding down until he held her wrist as if trying to stop her from walking away. “ I guess I can deal with her tomorrow.” She finds herself letting those words out before she even made the decision to stay.

 “ Are you sure? I don’t want you to get in trouble.” Shawn said, looking at her with those eyes that made it impossible for her to deny anything he wanted.

 “ I’ll stay.” She nodded with a smile. “ But I need something to wear. This dress is not the most comfortable.”

 She took a deep breath as Shawn’s eyes moved to her dress, knowing he could feel her hand shaking a little from where he was still holding her wrist. His eyes then focused on her hand and he traced his fingers on her skin before placing a kiss on the back of her hand. Camila could feel herself blushing and tried to ignore the urge she had to kiss him again. They never talked about the kiss they shared that day in the school restroom after she broke down, but with everything that happened, she didn’t want to bring it up. She just wished he would kiss her again already, but wouldn’t do it herself because she wasn’t sure it was the right time.

 “ You can take whatever you want in my closet.” Shawn told her.

 Camila let go of his hand and walked to his closet, opening one of the doors while feeling him staring at her from where he was still sitting. She saw a pile of clean t-shirts, taking the one at the top and walking out of his bedroom. She entered the bathroom in the hallway, locking the door behind her and looking at her reflection in the mirror for a few seconds.

Her cheeks were red and her hair was messy, her hands reaching behind her to unzip the dress she got from her aunt. Shawn’s shirt looked like a dress on her, the blue material covering her thighs, but doing a really bad job at hiding the fact that she didn’t have a bra on. She almost put the dress back on again because of that, but she wasn’t lying to Shawn when she said the dress was uncomfortable.

 She didn’t think twice before walking back to his bedroom, carrying the dress in her hand and not looking at him as she sat down on his bed. When she finally looked at him, he had been staring at her for a long time. She almost wanted to laugh at how red his face was. She couldn’t get away with blushing, but neither could he.

 “ I guess I’ll just…” He trailed off, standing up and walking to the door.

 “ Where are you going?” She asked, making him stop.

 “ I’ll sleep on the couch.” He explained.

 “ It’s okay. This bed is big enough for both of us.” She whispered with her eyes down on the sheets. Shawn was looking at her with surprise, his mouth opening to say something, but no words getting out. “ Come on.”

 Camila stood up and took his hand, pulling him to the bed with her. She could see he didn’t know how to act at first, being all weird about making her uncomfortable, but when she pulled the covers over their bodies and laid her head on his chest, he seemed to relax. She could feel his hand on her arm, his fingers running up and down her skin until she eventually fell asleep.

 She wasn’t really sure how long it had been when she woke up hearing low sobs, Shawn’s chest moving under her as he cried quietly. Camila rubbed her eyes with her hand and moved up on the bed, resting her head on the pillow next to him. His face was just inches from hers as he tried to hide the fact that he was crying, but she moved his hand away from his face and held it tightly to hers.

 “ It’s okay, Shawn.” She whispered. “ You can cry.”

 He looked at her like that was all he needed to hear, more tears rolling down his face as Camila pulled him closer to her. She held him as he cried on her shoulder, letting out all the pain she always thought he handled so well. She didn’t think it was possible for a person to cry this much, but he had been holding it in for so long that she knew he wouldn’t stop crying anytime soon.