First Love

Chapter 04

Chapter 04

Only the sound of the aircon could be heard in my room.

I am sitting on the right side of my bed, facing the sliding door of the balcony.

Alone in the dark.

Pagkatapos naming kumain ay hindi na ako lumabas ng kwarto simula noon. Ilang oras na ako nag-iisip ng kung ano-ano, habang tinitingnan ang puno sa labas hanggang sa mararamdaman ko na naman ang sariling nag-iisip.

Simula ng nalaman ko na hindi ako totoong anak… puro sila Mom at Dad lang ang naisip ko… pero hindi ko naisip kung sino ang tunay kong ina…

Bakit siya wala sa tabi ko?

Bakit niya naisip na gawin iyon kasama ng Tatay ko?

Bakit siya hindi nagpapakita?

Ayaw niya ba sa akin?

Dahil ba bunga lang ako ng pagkakamali niya?

Just thinking of it makes my heart hurt. Hinayaan ko ulit ang sarili kong umiyak ng umiyak hanggang sa nakatulog na naman ako sa ganoong pwesto. Paggising ko ay hating gabi na. Binuksan ko ang pintuan at nakitang may pagkain doon. 

Naramdaman ko ang sariling gutom pero wala pa ring ganang kumain kaya dinala ko iyon at iniwan sa dining table. Malamang ay tulog na silang lahat dahil alas-dose na rin.

I put my hood up in my head before I went out for a walk. 

Only the street lights are the one that makes the subdivision light. I adjust my eyeglasses before putting my hand on my pockets. As soon as I got to the gazebo, I saw a man's shadow and when he turned at me, I immediately knew who it was.

Of course, the curly guy.

"Hey…" I greeted.

What's his name again? 

Oh yeah, Andrei.

"Hi?" He greeted me. I chortled. Why does he always look uneasy?

"Why are you here?" I sat beside him and glance at the moon above us. Naramdaman kong tumingin din siya doon.

"Ah, 'yon ba?" He sighed. "Naalala kong hindi mo nga pala alam kung paano ako tatawagan kapag kailangan mo ng kasama kaya naghintay na lang ako dito…"

My mouth went open.

"You wait here?"

"Yeah…"

"Don't you have classes?"

"Wala… tapos ko na rin mga kailangan kong gawin…" I bowed down. Now I felt like a burden. He's so nice. "It's fine, umpisa pa lang naman ng sem…" I kinda doubt that. He looks like a college student and of course he's busy. Ako nga na senior high student nahihirapan na kahit na umpisa pa lang ng sem.

"Okay. Do you have your phone with you?" He nodded and showed his phone. I took it from his hand. It shocked him at first but he just shrugged. I called his number and saved my number on his phone before giving it back to him.

"I saved my number already, so you don’t have to wait..." 

He smiled. We stayed like that for a while after a little chit chat. To be honest, he didn’t have to do that but he said he insisted because he doesn’t want to see people sad. I can handle myself and I know that I will always get better… maybe not now but soon. 

I am busy looking at the busy city in front of us when my stomach just makes a freaking sound. I heard Drei chuckled before he stood up. "Let’s eat somewhere,"

I glanced at my phone. It's already one o’clock. "It’s late na, I don't think there's a store that is still open at this time."

"Seven Eleven?"

Oh yeah, but it’s a bit too far from here, I'm kinda too lazy to walk from there but my stomach is growling like a dragon so I don’t have a choice. I agreed. My brows ceased when I saw he didn’t have his bike with him."

"Where’s your bike?"

"Sleeping, I'm guilty of waking him up."

"You're crazy..." I mumbled, he just laughed.

We sat outside the store. I ordered some rice because I haven’t eaten anything yet since this morning. He looked so amused when I finished two bowls of rice. I just rolled my eyes.

"Grabe… hindi ka pa ba kumakain?" I shook my head and glanced at him. And his amused face shifted to worry. "Bakit ka naman-"

"I fell asleep, that's why." I immediately cut him off, I don't want him to worry. I know I have a choice to eat but I just felt really no appetite earlier but, it's true naman na I fell asleep.

He nodded.

After we ate, he just told me some funny stories and I just laughed because it's so corny and sometimes when I laughed I would just catch him looking at me and he would just smile and when I looked back at him his ears would turn red again. He's so cute and fun to be with.

I kicked the rock in front of me and dared myself again to kick that up to the front of our house. It's weird, why will I always dare myself like that?

"Andrei…" Since we were walking back, I was wondering if I would tell him my problem or not. I'm not pressured. It's just that I'm comfortable with him which is so weird because I hate dealing with people and I am assured that I can trust him. My guts say that.

I really want to talk to Mizuki but I know she's busy and her parents are my parents' acquaintances and I really find it disturbing. I feel like once they know that my Dad has a child with someone, there's something that will change.

I don't know what it is but I can feel it.

"Hmm?"

I let go of the rock because it's noisy so I just kept myself busy by looking at the glittery stars above. "When you saw me sleeping at the bench," I sighed. "... that was the time when I found out that I am a daughter of my father's mistress."

I don't know what his reaction is because I'm still looking above, afraid that my tears will fall down and afraid of what he's reaction is.

"I…" He said, thinking of the right words to say. I looked at him. He's looking at me sadly. I was about to speak when he cut me off. "I don't know what to say. I am not really good at words but…"

I smiled. "It's fine. The fact that you are listening right now is enough,"

"Okay… but I just want you to know that…" He turned at me. "... Maybe everything is messed up right now but God has a plan, trust him." I nodded.

I know that. Because when I was so fucked up before because of my studies, He always gave me a reason to not give up. I knew that, when the time came that I did not know which direction I was going, he would show me where the right direction was. And now that I have no reason to continue, I know he will give me so many reasons to continue. 

That's how He loves us.

We proceeded to walk. "I didn't know who my Mom was…" I can't see him because my eyes are facing front but I know he is listening. "... and I don't know if I want to know who she is."

"You don't have to force yourself if you don't want to but…" He looked uncertain if he would continue but I asked him to. I really need some advice right now because I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not here to judge him or something. "... don't make that hatred eat you alive. Learn to forgive… maybe it takes time to heal that open wound but you just have to go on… for your own piece of mind."

"Hindi masayang mamuhay ng may galit sa puso." He added.

He's right. I know that very well.

But… 

"I'm not yet ready to forgive."

He nodded. "I know… there's no need to rush here, Kirsten. Take your time,"

Damn, why is he so matured but sometimes so childish at the same time.