First Love

Chapter 07

Chapter 07

"Why are you shy?" she's smiling at me like she just witnessed a miracle.

I groaned. Why is she acting like this now?! I don't know if she'd rather be cold than being playful. It is still a mystery to me why she's acting like this... she should be hating me...

It seems like she saw that my expression changed, that's why she's smile fell. "Oh..." she awkwardly chuckled. "Did I talk too much?"

I shook my head. Kinuha ko ang mga cereals at nilagay sa mga containers. Nandito na kami sa bahay ngayon at nag prisinta si Mom kina Ate Nina at Ate Nira na kami na ang mag-ayos ng mga groceries. Ang susunod ko namang kinuha ay ang mga asukal, asin at iba pang mga spices at nilagay din sa kaniya kaniyang lalagyan.

I accidentally glanced at Mom and I caught her staring at me.

"Why?"

"Are you still mad at us?"

"I'm not mad," and that's the fact.

At kung galit man ako, sa mundo iyon.

Ipinagpatuloy ko ang pag-aayos kahit nararamdaman ko ang mga titig niya sa akin. Kaya ba niya ako inimbitahan gawin ang mga bagay na ito dahil akala niya ay galit ako?

"I'm sorry, Abi..." I looked at her as she held my hand, her tears started to pool in the side of her eyes and I don't know why pero nagsisimula na rin mangilid ang luha ko dahil doon. "I'm sorry for not being a great Mother to you..."

"... I'm sorry for prioritizing my feelings before my responsibility to you. I'm sorry for hating you before just because of the things you are not controlled of..." she wiped her tears as my vision got blurry because of my own tears. "... I make up for all that I did but I don't know how, I want to be a good Mother to you even if it's too late. Abigail... I'm so sorry for what I've done..."

She held my face. My heart is shattering into pieces but it felt good, it felt so good. That finally I've acknowledged by her, by my Mother, it's just that it's different now, but I'm fine with it. Because for me... she is my Mother, my only Mother but maybe not by blood... but by heart.

Even though she wasn't proud of me before and always says encouraging words to me... I can't deny that she has been a good mother to me. Unlike my real mother who doesn't introduce herself to me... or even show up to see me...

"I'm so sorry, Abigail..."

I don't cry in front of other people... I don't want them to see me in my vulnerable state but I can't help but sob when I felt her hug me. I feel... at peace. I always tell myself a hundred times that I don't care what she says... that it will not hurt me... that I'm used to it so it doesn't matter... that I own this life so I will not let her eat my system...

But deep inside it's breaking me apart...

Because even if you're used to it, it doesn't mean that what they are doing is right.

I want everyone to know that.

She started telling me what really happened before and traitor tears started to pool again when I realized what she's been going through all these years.

My Mom and Dad were married when my Mom said to my Dad that she can't have a baby due to her ovary. My Dad is devastated because of that, and it hurts me when Mom started to blame herself that she didn't tell Dad before they got married that she is incapable of giving birth to a child.

I can't blame her because it must be painful for her but at the same time I know that she is at fault too. Family planning is one of the important things to discuss before marriage and the fact that she knows that Dad wants to have a child? It's wrong.

But I kinda blame Dad too. If he really loves his wife... he will love her truly even without kids. But maybe it's just for me, maybe he really wants badly to have a child.

Mom received an emergency call from the hospital and that's why she left after we talked. I went upstairs when I saw her Audi went away. My phone vibrated.

Andrei: hi kirsten!

Andrei: nakita kita kanina e, okay ka lang ba?

I stop midway at the stairs to reply.

Me: Yeah, of course. I saw you earlier din...

Andrei: ah, nakita kasi kita kasama ng mama mo, mabuti naman at okay na kayo

Me: oh that... yeah we just talked and she explained to me what happened years ago...

Andrei: that's nice, take some rest, kirsten!

I rested my head at the headboard as I stared at his message. To be honest, I was thinking the whole night about how I could get back to him. I kinda owe him one, he made me realize some things... and he never left me when no one else was by my side even though we are still strangers to each other...

Or so I thought, because he looks like he knows me even before... or I was just hallucinating? Minutes passed and I couldn't even type the right words to say... but I really want to thank him, I just don't know how...

"Hi, babe!" I looked at Mizuki and waved my hand at my Macbook screen. She called me in the middle of my thoughts on how I could get back to Andrei.

"Hi, Zuki..."

"Oh my God, are you okay now?" I saw her face filled with worry. She's still so guilty that she wasn't there when the time I found out 'that'. But it's fine, It's my fault that I can't say that to her, alam ko na medyo nagtampo siya dahil hindi ko man lang sinabi pero nasanay na rin siguro siya dahil ganoon naman ako lagi.

But, I kinda blame myself.

Kanina ko lang sinabi na hindi porque sanay ka na, tama na ang ginagawa ng iba.

At alam kong mali ang ginagawa ko, na hindi ko sinasabi sa kaniya ang problema ko kasi ang iniisip niya hindi ko siya pinagkakatiwalaan. But that's the way I cope, keeping it all to myself.

But, the fact that I confess my problem to Andrei, for some stranger that I just met recently than my friend Mizuki, that my best friend for years... It makes me so guilty. At alam kong kung siya rin ang may problema tapos hindi niya sa akin sinabi at nalaman kong inamin niya sa iba 'yon, alam kong magtatampo rin ako.

"I'm okay now, Mizuki and... I'm sorry..." I answered.

"Why?"

"I'm sorry that I... always hide my problems to you... I know that you may think that I can't trust you but you know, your my only friend and I don't want you to think that... because if you ask me, you are the only one I really trust the most... it's just that-"

She chortled but I could see tears forming in the side of her eyes. "Kirsten Abigail Lucuesta... I understand. It's your own way to cope... it's your own way to heal yourself... and as long as you're comfortable. I'm in, bitch."

"But..." I pouted. How can I say that I confess my problem to someone I barely know? I saw her waiting for me to continue. I have no choice. If I do not say this to her, it will haunt me everyday.

"The thing is... I opened up with someone... Uhm... I..."

"... I don't know why I'm comfortable with him, It's complicated... I can't understand my feelings... I just met him recently... and I don't know why I have an urge to open up with someone I barely know..." I explained. Her mouth went open and she put her hands on it because of shock. "Don't tell me..."

"What?"

She yelled.

She's literally so weird sometimes.