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|Chapter 5: Helplessly Lost|
The words repeat for themselves. There were no alternatives. In Baekhyun’s head, there was none.
How do I unlove you?
Baekhyun pried himself into this mess and he knows very well, too well that no good is coming out of it. And the worst part of it now is, he doesn’t even know how to stop.
Jongin, tell me. How do I unlove you?
Baekhyun tried his hardest to wipe away the tears and suppress the killing sobs from escaping his bitten lips. He can’t have either one of them be woken up at the sight of him crying. It would only cause Kyungsoo confusion, ask why. For Jongin? He doesn’t know. Something tells him Jongin won’t feel anything. And the thought itself hurts him so much.
Jongin won’t feel anything.
He feels dizzy. He feels his world spinning. As if any second, his legs will betray him and let him fall onto the floor, gravity pulling him down with a loud thud as his head cracks open and bleed – and just die right then and there. But no, that would be too great, too lucky for him to have.
From the moment he betrayed Kris’ love and Kyungsoo’s trust, he knows he had gotten himself a ride to hell and life of pain and unending paranoia of what will tomorrow become. But Jongin was worth it. He believed Jongin is worth it. Because he knows he has Jongin. Because there’s Jongin at the end of the line. Just at the end, never there right by at his side.
But still, he believed it was worth it.
He regrets believing all those things now.
Had Jongin not kissed him out of the blue that night of April, the 26th of 2010. Had Jongin not promised him of sweet sex for that one night when neither Kris nor Kyungsoo was at home, just something for our body heat, he says. Had he not obliged Jongin of entering his room. Had he not believed of those beautiful words that came out of him from his drunken mouth while he believed they were making love, not sex but making love, then nothing – nothing of any of these would have ever happened.
"Just one kiss, Hyung.” Jongin pins the older to the wall, a soft thud echoing by the doorstep. He whispers some more. “Taste my lips.”
Jongin was too drunk. Baekhyun knows it. He was just drunk, but the urge of Jongin’s words was enticing enough to keep him held back under the younger’s strong grip. A part of his also drunken state wanted Jongin to keep him holding there. His arms raised above his head, wrapped together by Jongin’s hands as he keeps muttering lust over his ears. He wanted him to keep doing it. Not until the sanity fighting for him to not look down onto the other’s lips comes falling into pieces right before his very eyes.
