"She's so beautiful" I heard Tess call from the living room as I watched her eyes focus on anything but my own.
It was moments ago that we'd returned from seeing our niece Addy for the very first time. We'd spent hours at the hospital waiting for the news of her birth, hours of the two of us only consumed by silence as we tried to manage our own grief whilst waiting for the event that was supposed to be our own in 6 short months.
I felt angry. Angry at the two awaiting parents stood only metres away about to meet their daughter, angry at the doctors for telling us the news that was worst than any physical pain that I've ever endured, but most of all, I was angry at myself. This was karma, every fucking sin I had committed had lead to this with the world choosing to punish me in the worst way possible.
As I watched Tess hold the beautiful baby in her arms as the new parents beamed, I couldn't help but think how different Tessa's life would be without me. She'd probably be happily married, living with a man who hadn't broken her more times than accountable, and having the children which I couldn't provide her with. I was the problem. I was the one who was stopping the woman before me experiencing the motherhood she was so desperate for with my past mistakes choosing not only to hurt me, but also the person who I'd spend my life loving.
Continuing to watch her sitting still on the sofa, images of the scenes in the bathroom clouded my mind. I knew at that moment what had happened, how everything we'd been so excited for had escaped in a simple second, the sight of the doctors face only clarifying what I already knew. But I couldn't dwell on my pain, she needed me. After everything I had caused, my Tess needed me more than ever before.
"And so will our baby be one day Tess" I spoke up for the first time in hours as I wrapped my arms around her waist, "I promise you"
"I'm so sorry Hardin, I'm so fucking sorry" she announced finally showing me the beautiful grey eyes I had fallen hard for as the tears dripped steadily down her cheeks.
"You have nothing in this world to be sorry for Tess. You did everything right, every fucking thing you did was perfect love, it just wasn't our time" I said with water now piercing my own skin before her soft fingers wiped away the evidence of my pain.
"I want you to know this wasn't your fault Hardin" she spoke with a muffled voice practically reading my current thoughts, "you are right, we are going to have our time one day and I just know you will be the best daddy. None of this has anything to do with your past baby, I know what you're thinking but you're wrong, you are so damn wrong"
The entire time, her arm gripped my chin as I closed my eyes just taking in her words. I don't know if I'd ever believe her, if there would ever be a time where I didn't solemnly blame myself for the pain the two of us were currently experiencing. I felt like I deserved it. Everything in my life had come to this and I'd brought Tessa down with me. I was cruel, beyond the word in fact and it had lead to that exact moment.
"I wish you didn't love me Tess. I wish that I wasn't so fucking evil to take you down with me, you deserve none of this"
"And neither do you" was all she spoke before we leaned into one another lying back against the sofa. The rest of the night was spent this exact way with my mind racing with her exact words.
After hours and hours of going over the four-syllables, I finally reached a point where I felt like I wasn't completely to blame for the loss of our baby. I was right it just wasn't our time, none of the events were aligned to pan out the way we'd both hoped and no matter how fucking much fucking pain I've caused, losing our son or daughter was not my fault.
I'll try. I'll do whatever it fucking takes to give us the future we both deserve and I know one day it will come to us. No matter what it takes, no matter whatever problems try and stand in our way, we'd have our perfect little family one day.
