When All We Have Is Peace

Clarke

She wasn't sure what she had been expecting upon meeting Lexa again; perhaps anger? However, when the Commander entered the hall, eyes fierce and searching, Clarke felt nothing. Even when those intense green eyes had fixed themselves on her, all she could feel was numbness. She watched Lexa approach her, making no move to offer a greeting. This seemed to unnerve the Commander, and she took on a defensive stance, studying Clarke with narrowed eyes.

"You look well. I'm glad you were able to free your people." She finally said, squaring her shoulders, however when Clarke gave no reply, Lexa lowered her head. "I've come to discuss our truce...the alliance." She admitted tiredly.

Clarke stood still as a statue, an icy cage coating her very being. "What of it?" She questioned in a detached voice, not breaking eye contact.

"Does it still stand?"

"I don't know." Clarke answered coolly. "That is no longer my decision to make."

Lexa cocked her head to the side, confusion clear on her face. "What do you mean?"

"I'm not in charge. You'll have to talk to Bellamy." She said slowly, placing her hands on the long metal table. "Now if that is all Commander, there are things I need to do."

Lexa stared at Clarke for a moment, then she sighed and made her way to the door. "Clarke, I'm sorry."

There was a long silence; Clarke felt nothing as those words hung in the air between them. The Commander's apology meant nothing to her, her words held no meaning. Finally, Clarke met Lexa's eyes with a blank stare. "Goodbye Lexa."

She watched the Grounder leader's shoulders sag in defeat, and push open the door. Clarke waited until the door was closed, then she pressed her fingers to her eyes in an attempt to relieve herself of a headache. She was exhausted. The night before had been the first time she'd slept in several days, but Clarke had been woken by nightmares throughout the night. She'd woken up that morning feeling more tired than before. The dead are gone, the living are hungry. Clarke tried to focus on that as she pulled on her coat and braided her hair back; she was leaving the village today. While Nomi had offered her a place in the village, Clarke could not accept. Death hung over her like a cloud, and she couldn't bear the thought of anyone else dying because of her. 

"What did Lexa want?" 

Clarke jumped and whirled around to see Octavia standing on the other side of the room. The sight of her made Clarke's heart throb painfully. "To talk about the alliance." 

"And what did you tell her?" Octavia wondered, coming closer.

"I told her to talk to Bellamy."

The younger girl nodded stiffly, hard eyes locked on Clarke. "Right, because you're taking a vacation." Octavia muttered, anger causing her voice to quiver.

"That's right." Clarke replied, not wanting to fight with her. Octavia already hated her, she didn't feel the need to justify herself.

Octavia made a disgusted, angry noise in the back of her throat. "You're pathetic, you know that? An entire group of people that are counting on you and you just leave?"

Clarke closed her eyes and drew in a deep breath, bowing her head. She really didn't want to do this with her. There was no way that she could make Octavia understand, and quite frankly, she didn't want to try. However, Octavia was glaring at her expectantly, determinedly, and Clarke knew that she wasn't moving until she had an answer.

"I...the things I did, choices I made- people died. I killed them Octavia. The people in Tondc...the ones in the mountain...our people. And when I look at those kids, that's all I can see. I see the children that died in Mount Weather because I pulled that lever, and I see the destroyed city that I caused..." Her voice cracked, and Clarke felt her eyes begin to sting. "And I know that more people will die. I'll make bad decisions and I can't handle that."

Octavia's furious expression doesn't waver, and she shakes her head. "So you're a coward. We were at war Clarke, people die in war. And yeah, that was your fault, but that doesn't give you the right to up and leave your people! You don't get to run away from your problems! You get to suck it up and be the leader your people need you to be!" During her rant, Octavia had been moving forward, shoving Clarke as she pressed on. Now they stood toe to toe, Octavia glowering at Clarke, who had tears in her eyes.

"I never asked to be a leader!" Clarke exploded, the tears falling down her face. "I didn't ask to have everyone counting on me! I just wanted to keep us alive!"

"That doesn't matter anymore! They all count on you and you can't change that- you can't change any of it Clarke! So stop being a pathetic coward and do your god damn job!" Octavia fired back, hands slamming into Clarke's shoulders.

"I can't!" Came Clarke's broken response, and she buried her head in her hands. "I can't."

There was a brief silence, and Clarke waited for Octavia to yell at her some more; only she didn't. "It isn't about you anymore. It doesn't matter if you can't... you have to." Then she walked away, leaving Clarke in the middle of the room, feeling so broken and lost, she wondered if she would ever be okay again.