Our Heart's Desire (gxg) (lesbian)

Chapter 6

SYDNEY

4 years ago, I lost Lana from my life. I couldn't concentrate in school. I was so broken. I was lost, I was hurting. My best friend and the love of my life, just gone. Poof in thin air. I didn't know where she went. I called her dad and he told me she wasn't there, but I knew he wouldn't tell me where she was. She got a new number. Her old number no longer existed. I still have all our messages saved on my phone and I read them everyday. I still have her picture of me and her as my wallpaper. I could never forget about her. My true soulmate; my true love. I vowed I would find her. I said I would fight for her and I will. I'm going to search everywhere for her.

I dropped out of school and never came back. I went back home to my mom in Virginia. I started to write poetry to let out my pain and sadness and eventually they became songs. I played at local open mics and sang them at karaoke bars around town. Eventually, someone recorded me, someone found me, and now I'm a popstar, but there was still a hole in my heart that couldn't be fixed. No woman who has entered my life in these four years was able to fill the void. I drank and smoked all the time. I was so depressed inside, but looked happy on the outside world. I sang on stage, made music videos. Every song I wrote became a hit and every song I wrote was about her. Every word I put into it was about Lana. 5 years of friendship, gone, but mountains and mountains of memories and moments remembered. I remember it all and I write my story.

The title of my first album was called Mis/understood. Most obvious is being misunderstood, but also meaning missing someone and understanding why. The album I'm finishing up now is called Beckon.. Im calling her back. I want her to hear me. I'm looking for you.

I moved to Los Angeles to fulfill my career. Being a singer wasn't in my plans, but I really enjoyed it. I'm able to let everything out. I had no one to talk to about my feelings. I had no family left.  My mother died just before I became famous. It was just me now. Lana was my family only family left and she was gone. So I tell my feelings to the world. To anyone who would listen. I've become a millionaire. I live in a mansion too big for me. I have a few cars, but my jeep was my baby. The memories it carried. The memories of her in it. No one rides in there anymore, except for me. That would always be mine and Lana's. The sentimentality of it.

I sat down and wrote another song.

That Smile by Sydney

🎶 "...Baby, that smile is the only thing keeping me alive
What's keeping my heart beating and calling to be at your side
I'm restless, yet motionless
Laying completely in bed a mess

But your smile became my inspiration
Became my motivation in my life of defeat
Please bring your smile home
So within them I lay a tender kiss...."🎶

Another new song done. All these feelings flow through my veins. Every emotion I felt came to light. Memories surfaced then came back down. I had nothing left to give. I felt dead inside. Music was my escape. It was the only thing keeping me alive now.

"Sydney, it's time!" Becca called out through my dressing room.

"Yeah, Okay, I'm coming."

2 hours later, another concert done. I try to keep busy. It's the only thing that keeps me going.

"Great performance, Sydney." Becca, my manager cheered me on. She was also a constant fuck Buddy. When I needed to release, she was there. Believe me, I needed to release a lot. I was always so tense.

Every song I sing, I code it with phrases only Lana would know. I'm still searching for her.

🎶 "Baby, where are you, I've been looking for you.
I miss you, I wanna hold you... I should have said I love you.."🎶

I'm sitting in my trailer writing another inspired song. Becca passed out on my bed. She knows about Lana. She knows I write about her. She's my inspiration for all of it.

🎶 "...It's been 1460 days since you've been gone.
I'm still hurting from the day you said we were done.
I'm not myself when your not around
Please pick me up... I've been knockdown..." 🎶

The words keep flowing and I can't stop the writing. I'm so lonely and no one can fill me. I'm so tired, but I have no time to rest. I'm still searching for her. There was no Lana Blaine. She must have changed her name or something. 

Bea has been there for me through it all these past 4 years. I think she felt bad about what happened to Lana and I because it was her who put the move on me that night. The night that Lana walked in. I could never call her my best friend, but she's been there. We never did anything after that night. I, for one, was traumatized. I lost my love that night.

"Hey, just called to say you did well during your performance."

"Thanks Bea. Means a lot."

"Any luck finding her?"

"Nope, it's like she fell off the face of the planet and travelled to Mars or something. She's a ghost."

"She's probably closer than you think."

"I don't know where she is. I've called every dance company because dancing was her passion," I sigh.

"I know she wanted to be a dance teacher or a teacher in general." So you know how many schools are out there. I can't call each one looking for her. That will take a century."

"Maybe she'll come to you?"

"Fucking damn I hope. I'm so tired B. 4 years and I haven't gotten a good nights sleep. I just want her back."

"You'll find her. Be patient."

"I'm trying, but I'm so close to giving up, B."

"I know you are. Let's just hope she's alive okay? Don't think of the worse possible outcome."

"I'm worried that she got married and changed her name."

"I lost her and I don't think I can deal with that."

"Be strong Sydney. You got me in your corner."

"Thanks B. I'm going now. I'm going to try and get some sleep. I have another performance tomorrow." 

With that we hung up. 'I will find you Lana and this time I'm not afraid to say I'm in love with you.'