Sarah Paulson Character One-shots

Hold on - Billie Dean Howard

Inspired by the song "Hold on" by Chord Overstreet

TW: angst, suicide, overdose on pills, death,

Tossing and turning in your bed for the past five hours seems nothing out of the ordinary lately, especially after the arguments you have with your girlfriend about work. She is sleeping soundly beside you though, her honey blonde locks sprawled out beneath her, her hand resting underneath her left cheek, her mouth parted slightly as little snores escape her lips. You just look at her, watching her chest rise and fall as she sleeps. Her left hand coming up towards her cheek, her nails scratching over it before flopping back down on the bed.

Countless nights you find yourself in this very same position, feeling so tired but not able to sleep. Usually, you have no trouble falling asleep with the blonde by your side, though, but for some reason, tonight wasn't a good night.

You figure it's your thoughts keeping you awake, although your mind seems pretty empty right now, only the ticking of the clock distracting you momentarily before you position your body to look up at the dark ceiling. What went wrong? You had argued again. That's why you're not asleep, right? Billie has to go away for work again in a few weeks and she has to share a hotel room with her new assistant. You accused her of cheating on you but she only denied it and that had only set off a jealous rage inside you.

The blowing of the wind distracts you this time and you focus your attention on that. the leaves on the trees rustling outside, occasionally the branches hitting off the window. Then you can hear the motor of a car passing by; its passengers probably coming home from a late party or starting an early shift at work. The ticking from the clock grabs your attention again and you look over at it. The headlights from the cars passing by making the room just bright enough so you can read it. 4 am.

You turn your head again to look at your girlfriend. You don't want to wake Billie. Not while she looks so comfortable whilst sleeping and you don't want to disturb her. Especially since this is your own fault. You started the argument in the first place.

So instead you slowly get up out of bed and make your way over to the bathroom at the other end of the hall. Your feet padding along the wooden floors as you guide your way there hitting the light switch as you enter. You close your eyes almost instantly, though, the brightness blinding you for a moment before you open them again.

You shut the door, locking it behind you and look at yourself in the mirror. You squint your eyes as you notice the large bags under them and realise you've forgotten to remove your makeup so it's smudged. You grab a hair tie from the counter and tie your hair up before washing your face with some ice-cold water hoping it will wake you up a little. It doesn't help though as you still feel as drowsy as before.

The sight of the medicine cabinet catches your gaze and you open it wearily eyeing the bottle of sleeping pills before grabbing it, popping off the cap, shaking a pill out and throwing it into your mouth. You look at yourself in the mirror again. You're so drained. Without hesitating you empty the rest of the bottle in your hands and play with them in your palm as you watch at them as if they're going to come alive and do something. You empty the cup that holds your toothbrushes in and the items scatter in the sink before you fill it up with water and you take all the pills.

You sit down on the cold, white marble tiles and look up at the ceiling, somehow feeling safe now as if nothing can hurt you. You begin to feel dizzier and lay down on the tiles, the coolness only calming you further as you rest on the ground. You can feel your body weakening. This is it.

Until a gentle knock brought you back to reality. "Are you ok, baby?" Billie's voice is only laced with concern as she jiggles the handle again. "Darling?" She repeats a couple of times. You don't want to reply and hope that she will go back to bed. You don't want to see her because you know that you will regret what you had done if you do. The knocking got louder and suddenly the door was broken down. You look up and in the midst of blurriness saw Billie's confused and frustrated face. "What on earth?" she rushes down by your side and lifts your head up into her lap, stroking your cheek gently. "What happened?" she asks.

"I'm sorry," you say tears now forming in your deliriously tired eyes.

Billie only looks at you even more confused, the concern quickly coming back "Why are you sorry?" Your gaze lingers behind her onto the counter up at the bottle of pills and she looks at it as well. "Shit!" she exclaims realising what you had done and what was going to happen.

She leaves for only 7 seconds as she fumbles around looking for her phone and quickly returns into the bathroom, the phone to her ear "Yes, she's still conscious. Ok." She says in a frantic voice. She's shaking. You've never seen her so scared before. "I've called an ambulance. Sweetheart, why did you do this? Haven't I been supportive enough? Is it my fault?" she asks breathing heavily. You shake your head but didn't utter a word. You feel your heart rate increase and skip a couple of beats and you begin to tremor, your vision blurs a little and you start to feel very dizzy. "Stay with me. Only for a few more minutes" she says as she kisses you on the forehead. Her hand finding yours before gripping it tightly. "Hold on." Your eyes begin flickering shut but you try to keep them open just to see her. A tear runs down her face, all of a sudden you're filled with regret. How could you do such a thing? You loved her, why had you forgotten that? You are never going to wake up to her beautiful face again, never going to go out for a walk with her again. You had told each other that you are going to spend your lives together and grow old together but you've destroyed that promise. You're a horrible person.

You feel yourself get more and more exhausted. "I'm sorry" you mumble.

Billie looks down at you and takes both of your hands up and kisses them repeatedly. "I love you. I'm so sorry I wasn't a better friend and girlfriend" she stutters now crying harder.

"Don't be. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me" you state with your frail voice. Breathing felt like it was getting harder by the second.

"Hold on please, I need you," she pleads, tears spluttering down onto her shirt as sobs wrack through her body, "They'll be here soon."

"I love you," You say as you know it will be the last time. Her brown eyes are glistening with tears and you feel your heart get weaker. 

This is it

Those few seconds before you died you could still hear Billie's tender voice. You also felt her grip around your hand getting tighter as she watched you dose off. "I love you, I love you, I love you" she exclaims with her trembling voice. That was the last thing you ever heard. The last thing you ever felt. It was the end.

The highway seems long and endless as the ambulance rushes to the hospital. The paramedics have managed to revive you enough for your heart to start again. Billie is still holding onto your hand, never wanting to let go silently praying that the light isn't fading, trying to hide the shock that she feels in her bones

When you finally arrive they take you away on a table. Billie paces back and forth as you lay in the bed, her gaze fixated on you from the window, the machine flatlining again. "Please don't leave me." her mind screams. The Nurses and the Doctor rushes into the room as they try to find your heartbeat. But they don't. You're gone. Time of death 5:17 am

Billie is allowed to have a moment with you before they have to take you away to the morgue. "Come back," she begs, her voice feels as if it's stuck in her throat. She closes her eyes as the tears freely escape, her nightmare becoming reality. She leans over, cuddling you, her head laying on your chest hoping to hear the beating of your heart but it never comes. "I just want to take you home." she pleads, the sobs only breaking you as you watch from the other side of the room.

"I'm here," you whisper

"I want you alive," she states as she turns her head to catch sight of you. "I want you. Come back."

"I can't" you shake your head but you step closer towards her

"Let me take your hand, I'll make it right
I swear to love you all my life." she sits up grabbing your hand.

"Billie." you sigh, your eyes pleading with her, "You've got to let go."

"I don't want to. I can't imagine a world without you in it. I just need to hear you say "Baby let's go home." And that this wasn't real."

"Then let's go home"