Unfair | Cindy Berman

ɪɪɪ: ʙᴇᴄᴀᴜsᴇ ᴄɪɴᴅʏ

After Nurse Lane's attack the police was called right away. Cindy, Tommy and I were sitting and chatting with the police officer, so he could grab as much information he could. I looked at Ziggy, feeling sad for her because Nurse Lane was basically the only person that was nice to her, besides me. I see Nurse Lane passing by, tied up and still unconscious, I felt a hint of guilt for what I did to her, she was nice to me too.

"You got history with her? She had a grudge against you?" The police officer asks Tommy.

"No grudge. We barely even talked, I go get bug spray from her. That's it." Tommy explains, still shaken up because of what happened earlier. I didn't even decide do join the conversation because I'm so exhausted already, I had to take care of kids, clean, ended a friendship and as a bonus I fought a old lady. "It just, it doesn't make any sense."

"Why would she do something like this?" Cindy suddenly asks.

"She was nuts, just like her kid." He responds. Fucking bullshit.

"Nurse Lane, she never seemed crazy." She explains, still confused about why Nurse Lane did it.

"That's what she said about her kid, but sane people don't chop up their friends." Yeah but possessed people do, but of course, no one would ever believe some witchy story. I was so tired of the conversation so I got up and went to my cabin, I really couldn't handle with anything anymore. Cindy doesn't talk to me and honestly I don't talk to her either, because there's no point, everytime we engage in an actual conversation it's just super awkward. I love being here, but Cindy was one of the main reasons why I was here, she doesn't make me feel lonely like the others do. I was friends with everyone and it was great but with Cindy it was completely different, we were basically best-friends, and everything went down because she found out that I'm gay. And guess what, I'm alone again.

I sit on the chair next to my desk and sigh, leaning my head backwards and looking at the ceiling. It's over isn't? Me and Cindy? It just, it doesn't sink in, I guess I'm too tired to feel anything right now, I stare at the ceiling for a couple of minutes, trying to make myself feel something. I suddenly hear the cabin door opening, seeing Cindy by the door frame, she looks at me uneasy, I don't say anything and look back at the ceilling. 

"I'm...I'm changing to another cabin." Cindy suddenly speaks. I position myself from the chair to look at her.

"Let me guess, you can't share cabins with a lesbo because I don't know...You think I'm gonna be a perv or something like that?" I ask her, she opens her mouth but doesn't say anything. "It's fine, just grab your fucking things and go." I get up from the chair and exit the cabin, feeling everything sink in, I'm fucking alone, I have nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody. 

I start running, in the woods, thinking that if I ran fast enough my thoughts would stay behind, but as I ran I could feel everything getting even more overwhelming. I stop on my tracks when I see the hanging tree, the tree where Sarah Fier was hanged for witchcraft, I go to the tree and sit there, not many people came here because they were afraid that Sarah Fier would curse them or something like that, but to be honest I don't really care if Sarah Fier threw a curse on me or something like that for my life is already shit enough. 

The woman I love can't even look at my face, because I'm someone she'll never like. As the tears start falling from my face I can't help but feel some sort of dejá vu, like this scenario happened before, in this exact same spot. Weird....I take a little paper and pen from my jacket that I always kept in case I needed, I hate talking about how I feel so I rather just write it out, whatever I'm feeling.

ɪ'ᴍ ᴊᴜsᴛ ᴀ ғᴜᴄᴋɪɴɢ ᴡᴇɪʀᴅᴏ ᴡʜᴏ ʜᴀᴛᴇs ʜᴇʀ ʟɪғᴇ, ᴀɴᴅ sʜᴇ's....sʜᴇ's ᴡʜᴀᴛ? ᴛʜᴇ ᴀɴsᴡᴇʀ ᴛᴏ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏ ǫᴜᴇsᴛɪᴏɴ??? ᴛʜᴇ ᴏɴʟʏ sᴏʀᴛ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛɴɪɴɢ ɪɴ ᴍʏ ᴅᴀʀᴋ ʀᴏᴏᴍ? ᴛʜᴇ ᴏɴʟʏ ᴘᴏɪɴᴛ ᴏғ ᴍʏ ᴜsᴇʟᴇss ᴇxɪsᴛᴇɴᴄᴇ? ɪs sʜᴇ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴛʜɪɴɢ? ᴛʜᴇ ᴏɴʟʏ ᴀɴsᴡᴇʀ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴇ ǫᴜᴇsᴛɪᴏɴs ᴀʀᴇ ʜᴇʀ, sᴏ ɪ ɢᴜᴇss ᴍʏ ғɪʀsᴛ ǫᴜᴇsᴛɪᴏɴ ᴡᴀs ʀɪɢʜᴛ. sʜᴇ ɪs, ɪɴᴅᴇᴇᴅ, ᴛʜᴇ ᴀɴsᴡᴇʀ ᴛᴏ ᴀʟʟ ǫᴜᴇsᴛɪᴏɴs, ʙᴇᴄᴀᴜsᴇ ᴡʜʏ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ɪ ғʀᴏᴡɴ ɪɴ ᴄᴏɴғᴜsɪᴏɴ ᴀɴᴅ ᴀsᴋs ɪғ ᴛʜᴇ ᴛᴏᴘɪᴄ ɪs ɴᴏᴛ ʜᴇʀ? ɪᴛ's sᴛᴜᴘɪᴅ. ɪ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ʜᴇʀ, ɪ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ʜᴇʀ, ɪ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ʜᴇʀ. ᴡʜʏ ᴄᴀɴ'ᴛ ɪ ʜᴀᴛᴇ ʜᴇʀ? ᴡʜʏ ᴄᴀɴ'ᴛ ɪ ɪɢɴᴏʀᴇ ʜᴇʀ? ᴡʜʏ ᴄᴀɴ'ᴛ ɪ ᴊᴜsᴛ sᴛᴏᴘ ʟᴏᴠɪɴɢ ʜᴇʀ? ᴡᴇʟʟ, ʙᴇᴄᴀᴜsᴇ ᴄɪɴᴅʏ.

I finish my writing, wrap the paper and put it back in the pocket of my jacket. It was getting dark but I really didn't care, I probably wouldn't sleep tonight even though it wasn't a good idea because Color War is getting closer. But I really didn't want to get back to my cabin, that cabin has many but many memories of me and Cindy. Me and Cindy met at this exact camp, in the summer of '74, we shared a cabin, and still to this day we share the same cabin. At first, I thought she was going to ignore my whole existence because she was like, the perfect popular girl, and I was just the lonely weird girl. However, she treated me like I was close to her for years, even at school she welcomed me into her friend group with open arms, I wasn't alone anymore. 

My life didn't need to be a misery each second of my life, I had someone who believed in me, that I was actually worth it and not some useless girl who wasn't gonna be someone in life, like my mom used to say. With Cindy, I actually felt like I had another chance with the world, and maybe if I was lucky enough, I could be the person I always wanted to be. I sadly smile while remembering everything we went through together, when we had our first Color War together, we were playing capture the flag and I remember letting myself get caught by the Sunnyvalers so she wouldn't get caught. Fuck, I would do anything just to see her smile.

Why?

Why?

Fucking why?

Why can't you just accept me? Why can't I fucking hate you?

We did everything together, I did everything for you and you just leave me like this? Of course she would...

She's just like everyone, my dad, my mom, my sister...

She gave up on me...

She...

My heart hurts. My chest feels like it's being crushed.

Why am I not enough to make people stay?

I love you.