Unfair | Cindy Berman

ɪᴠ: ᴀʟᴏɴᴇ ᴀɢᴀɪɴ.

I walk around the science and nature's room, supervising the kids while they observe and play with some of the animals there. I see Jeremy, one of the campers, observing some grasshoppers, he looks amazed by them.

"They are known for probably being the oldest group of herbivore insects, they're also solitary insects." I say as I sit by his side, observing them too.

"Solitary insects?" He asks, adjusting his glasses.

"It means they usually live by themselves, without any sort of group, like bee's. They only become social when they need to mate." I explain.

"That's so cool." he replies and lets out a sad smile. "I kinda relate to them." He says in a sad tone. "I'm always alone, everytime I try to make new friends they left me out and laugh...I wish I could be like them." he says.

"Why do they laugh?" I ask curious.

"Because I'm different." He shrugs his shoulders.

"Well, if they laugh at you for being different you should laugh at them for being the same." I pause for a moment. "Those people are not fucking worth it Jeremy, it's better being alone than being surrounded by shitty people, and...believe me when I tell you that someday someone will enter your life and make you feel like you're not alone again." I comfort him, he looks at me and suddenly hugs me. At first I didn't knew what to do, but seconds later I hugged him too.

"Thank you. You're like, the first person that was nice to me here." He says.

"You can come up to me if something happens, if someone ever messes with you call me and I'll teach them a lesson"

"Okay, I'll do that." He says breaking the hug. "Are...Are we officially friends Mrs.Duke?"

"Of course we are Jeremy." I say smiling, Jeremy smiles at me brightly. Sometimes I really wanna beat the shit out of these kids for doing these types of things, don't get me wrong, I love children but sometimes they really can piss me off.

.-.

It's been four days. Four days since me and Cindy talked, four days since she changed cabins. And I've never felt so lonely, sometimes Joan or Gary give me company, even sometimes Jeremy but it's not the same thing. Back when we changed cabins, while I was at my cabin's desk I would turn around, expecting to see Cindy there, lying on her bed while reading a book or just simply sleeping. I would mentally curse myself everytime I would turn around and didn't see her there, it's like my mind or my body is still in denial.

At least I can still be thankful for Cindy, she didn't tell anyone about my sexuality and kept her disappointment to herself. She hates me...she really does, and there's nothing I can do about it. I just need to accept it, she hates me. Sometimes during lunch I would catch her eyes on me, and if I looked back at her she would look back to her friends, pretending like I wasn't there. Even our friends noticed her behavior, they would ask me what happened and I needed to lie, I told them that we had a stupid fight and I didn't want to talk about it. 

I was sitting by the river, looking at the moon's reflection on the water. Back then, when everyone was sleeping, me and Cindy would come up here to swim or to just, admire the moon. She would sleep on my lap, or against my shoulder. And now, the only thing that keeps me company at night is the moon, and my thoughts. I never felt so lost, it's like...Something is missing on my life and I can't reach it. People say that there's five stages of grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I've lost my father and sister, and I went to those stages both times, what I'm feeling right now it's not the exact same but it's similar, I call it the 3 stages of losing a friend: Denial, anger and loneliness.

I wonder what would they think of me right now...would they love me still even if I'm like this?

"Cassie." I suddenly hear someone call me, I turn around and see Alice, she looked uncertain about what to do. I'm sure she heard about me and Cindy. "Listen, I'm.. I'm sorry about what I did, it was really out of line." She apologizes, and I get up from my seat, looking at her.

"Yeah, it was. I lost a great friendship because of what you fucking did." I said and she looks at me, I could see she was really guilty. "But I'm not really in the mood to be in bad terms with another person so I forgive you, but...But I can't be the same with you like I was before because I can't forget." I continue.

"I understand... And thank you for forgiving me, you know? If I was in your place I...I probably wouldn't do the same." she says while fidgeting her fingers. "Goodnight Cassie." 

"Goodnight." I say back and she leaves.

I already had to deal with the fact that me and Cindy were in bad terms, I didn't want to deal with that with Alice, so it's way easier to leave things this way. I could feel that she was really guilty about what she did, and I definitely acknowledge that, but I lost someone very important to me because of it, so it's hard to let that pass.

I open the cabin's door and get in, I lazily change into my pajamas and fall into my  bed. I grab my notebook on the nightstand and a pen. I let myself be consumed by my overwhelming thoughts.

Cindy.

Cindy Berman.

Berman.

She's all I can think about.

ɪғ ɪ ʜᴀᴅɴ'ᴛ ғᴇʟʟ ɪɴ ʟᴏᴠᴇ, ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ʙᴇ ᴀʟʀɪɢʜᴛ. ʙᴜᴛ ʟᴏᴏᴋ ᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ, ʜᴏᴡ ᴄᴀɴ ɪ ɴᴏᴛ ғᴀʟʟ ɪɴ ʟᴏᴠᴇ? ᴡʜᴇɴ ɪ ᴡᴀs ᴀ ᴋɪᴅ ɪ ᴀʟᴡᴀʏs ʜᴇᴀʀᴅ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ᴡᴀs sᴜᴘᴘᴏsᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ғᴇᴇʟ ɢʀᴇᴀᴛ, ʙᴜᴛ ᴛʜɪs ʟᴏᴠᴇ ᴊᴜsᴛ ʜᴜʀᴛs. ɪ ɢᴜᴇss ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ɪs ᴏᴛʜᴇʀ ᴛʏᴘᴇs ᴏғ ʟᴏᴠᴇ, ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴋɪɴᴅ ᴏғ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ɪs ᴛʜɪs? ᴛʜᴇ ᴏɴᴇ ᴡʜᴇʀᴇ ɪ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀɴᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴛᴇ ᴍᴇ. ɪ ɢɪᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴀɴᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ɢɪᴠᴇ ᴜᴘ ᴏɴ ᴍᴇ. ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴛᴇ ᴍʏ ɢᴜᴛs ʙᴜᴛ ɪ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ sᴛɪʟʟ ɢɪᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀɴʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ʏᴏᴜ ɴᴇᴇᴅ, ɪ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ sᴛɪʟʟ ᴍᴏᴠᴇ ᴍᴏᴜɴᴛᴀɪɴs ᴀɴᴅ sᴡɪᴍ ᴛʀᴏᴜɢʜ ᴏᴄᴇᴀɴs ᴊᴜsᴛ ғᴏʀ ʏᴏᴜ. ɪ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ᴡɪʟʟɪɴɢʟʏ sᴀᴄʀɪғɪᴄᴇ ᴍʏsᴇʟғ ᴊᴜsᴛ sᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴀɴ ғʟʏ. ɪ ᴘʀᴏᴍɪsᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴋᴇᴇᴘ ʏᴏᴜ sᴀғᴇ ғʀᴏᴍ ᴀʟʟ ʜᴀʀᴍ, ᴇᴠᴇɴ ɪғ ᴡᴇ ʟɪᴠᴇ ɪɴ ᴀ ᴛᴏᴡɴ ᴡʜᴇʀᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄʀɪᴍᴇ ʀᴀᴛᴇ ɪs ᴛʜᴇ ʜɪɢʜᴇsᴛ ᴇᴠᴇʀ.
ɪ ɴᴇᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴘʀᴏᴛᴇᴄᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ʙᴇᴄᴀᴜsᴇ ʟɪғᴇ ᴡɪᴛʜᴏᴜᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀs ɴᴏ ғᴜᴄᴋɪɴɢ ᴍᴇᴀɴɪɴɢ.