Dragonflies

CHAPTER 5

Occasionally, you would try and do everything possible to justify something, which may seem wrong somehow. But you have an undeniable yearning for it so that you'd want to do it anyway. In order to quench this thirst of having it done without feeling guilty about it, you'd start to find reasons that might have led you to do whatever it is and blame it on the circumstances. You may even try to hold somebody else responsible for your actions. Because of the fact, that you are too scared of the outcome of it, that you become too coward to let it hang over your head for the rest of your life. When in fact everything you do solely depends on your decisions and nobody else's. Even with all the fear that gets built inside you, you may refuse to let the idea pass and go on with it anyway. But no matter how sinful it is, sometimes it is the right thing to do if it helps with the peace of mind without hurting anyone, badly.

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"Are you free next week?"

"Yes, I am. Why?"

"I am going out of town next week. Have a two days' workshop."

"So? What does that have to do with me?"

"I was thinking.... if you were free, we could spend the day after that, together. You know, go to a movie... or the beach or something. It's been a few months since we saw each other. So, I thought it would be a nice idea.

What do you say?"

"It's a good idea. But I am not coming."

"Why?"

"I don't feel like. Not in the mood."

"Oh...! Okay."

I know this was how it was going to be. This was how it has always been. He wouldn't ask me to meet him. I had to do it. Always. And every time I do, he refuses. This was the last time I ever did.

'But I wish if he had said yes.'

'Sshhhhhh....', the other half of my heart shushed louder than the first.

It was also the first time I didn't feel sad about it. I was happy. Now I can go with Aylan. Without any shadows of guilt following me.

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It was the eve of the second day at the workshop. I had told my mom that it's a three days program so that I can spend the third day with Aylan. On the first night, I stayed with my friends at the hostel. Since the workshops was over, a few decided to leave in the evening and the rest decided on staying the night and leaving the next morning.

I said I was leaving too.

Around half past six, Aylan came to pick me up. It felt good to be back on his bike. The last time was two months ago. He stunk of cigarettes. I knew he would have smoked before coming to meet me since I had told him not to, when I was around. I had bought a few mint flavored gums foreseeing the situation.

"Open your mouth." I demanded leaning on to his shoulders.

As soon as he did, I stuffed one of the gums into his mouth. Aylan gave me a confused look through the rearview mirror. I chewed one myself and winked at him. The look on his face eased into a smile. I hugged him tightly. Even though I was sandwiched between him and my backpack, it felt nice.

A few minutes later it started drizzling. And for some reason we both looked at each other and smiled. But it vanished quicker than it came. It was getting darker. The streets were busy.

"Where are we going?" I asked him.

"Wait and watch." His eyes shined.

I loved surprises. I was curious also. But I didn't have to wait too long. I could hear the roar of the waves.