Dragonflies

CHAPTER 9

If you've loved someone for quite a long time, it is nearly impossible to undo that love. You can always try to disguise it with hatred. But if you have nothing to hold against them, then it is surely a dilemma to decide what to do with all that love. Maybe the best thing to try is not to love them more. Just let all that love to be stagnated somewhere in the deepest pits of your heart, until it oozes out through the pores or gets evaporated.

The monsoon had given its way to winter. I remember sitting by the window seat and clenching my hands around the window bars. Looking outside with wide eyes and enjoying the wind on my face. I was reluctantly on my way to college. It was just a normal weekday. Busy streets, many faces, smoke and all those rushes.

As the bus was about to start from a stop, still a few kilometers away from my college, I saw him! My boyfriend. It was like a flash. Struck me at the back of my head. The stimulus moved like a rapid electric shock to the heart, making it skip a beat. I swear that it stopped for a second or two. He was standing there just a few steps away, in his angelic form. His gaze at something far beyond. My heart pounded against my chest. I cannot say if I was happy or terrified.

That was the first time and the only time that my heart ever did that. Maybe it was because I hadn't seen him for quite a long time. Or maybe because I was guilty of whatever that was going on in my life with Aylan.

The bus slowly went past him. He didn't see me. I took my phone and dialed his number.

"Hello?"

"Hello. Where are you?"

"Outside with friends. Why?"

"I just saw you now, at the bus stop. I was in that bus which took off just now."

"Shit! This isn't fair. I didn't get to see you."

"You only get what you wish for. I was longing to see you and look, I did."

" I wanted to see you too."

"Okay then, we can go out this afternoon. I am free. Or you can come and meet me at the coffee shop near my college. What do you say?"

"Sorry babe. I can't. Going somewhere with my friend. I promise I will come to meet you someday soon. You wait and watch."

"Okay." I cut the phone.

'I gave you a second chance. In fact, lots of second chances. I guess you didn't mean it when you asked for it. If you do, make it worth.'

...................................

"Hellaa!"

"Hey, Aylan."

"What's up?"

"Nothing. At college."

"Oh! Why do you sound so dull? Aren't you feeling well?"

"I am good. Just in a bad mood."

"What happened?"

"Nothing. It's just that I feel so sad and lonely."

"Will you tell me what happened? Did anyone tell you something?"

"No. Nobody did nothing. In fact, nobody is doing anything. Am I that bad, Aylan? Is that why nobody wants me or wants to be with me?"

"Wait, are you crying?"

"Nope."

"Yeah, I can hear that."

"I will talk to you later."

"Hang on. When is your lunch break?"

"In about half an hour."

"Okay. I will be there in one. Meet me at the coffee shop to the left of your college. Skip the class afternoon." "Okay." Inside me, small smile dawned.

...............................

The two persons I fell in love with. One, who promised me a forever and gave up on me the half way. The other, who gave me everything except the promise of a forever. I don't know whom I love the most. When loving one of them had become a habit from the past and letting go was so hard, the other gave me reasons to love him more day by day making it impossible to resist the urge to make him stay.

That afternoon, Aylan came to see me with a large chocolate bar. I took my best friend with me to the coffee shop. They both seemed comfortable with each other. So, that wasn't an issue. We laughed. Made fun of each other. Shared stories. There were also moments of awkward silence. But things went awesome.

"I hope you feel better now." Aylan asked.

"Yeah, a little bit." I said suppressing a giggle in my throat.

"Don't make this a habit." He warned playfully.

"I will think about it." I said winking at him.

"It was nice meeting you. See you around." He said turning to my best friend. "Please take care of this crazy head. God knows when or what gets into her head." He added.

"I think you doing a great job there and don't think you'll need my help." She said.

Aylan left me with a happy mood. I don't know why, but every time my best friend looked at me, I blushed.

"Now, who is this guy again?" She stopped as we were walking and asked with folded hands.

"He is a friend. A very close friend." I replied, half looking away. But the look on her face told that she saw through me.

"Well I can see how close." She teased me. "I don't know what is going between you two but, can I say something?" She asked.

"Yes?" I said doubtfully.

"I have seen you with your bf and now I saw you with this guy. You looked happy both the times. But with him, you were like his 'girlfriend'. As if someone had told you this is how you should be. Pretentious. With Aylan you seem happier. You seemed like yourself and not his possession. You were wild and untamed like the true you. I like this 'you' better."

I honestly didn't expect that from her. I thought she was going to lecture me about the morals and all. This was a surprise.

"Alas! But you guys are just friends, right?" She threw her hands in the air dramatically. "Oops, sorry. 'Close friends'." She quoted in the air.

"Ha ha. Very funny." I made a face at her.

...................

'I don't know how that works. To care so much about somebody's happiness but not entirely wanting them in your life. Aylan said he loves me, my bf said that too. Yet both don't want to spend the rest of their life with me. Isn't love always about a happily ever after? Or is it just in the movies and fairy tales?

But how can that be? If Aylan cares so much about me, won't he feel anything if I am not there? A pinch of pain?

A bit of sorrow? Won't his eyes shed tears in grief? How can someone love the other so dearly and let them go without even asking to stay, just like that? Maybe I should ask him later.' I spent the night wondering and questioning about all the aspects of love I have experienced so far and that I knew of.