Dragonflies

CHAPTER 10

I have always believed that the people you meet along the course of your life has some purpose in your life. Sometimes you won't see it right away or will have to wait until they finish their job and disappear. Now if you belong to those of the most unfortunate ones, you will never know why someone happened in your life. Some of them might change your life forever. Some teach you to learn from your mistakes. Some bring you happiness at the most needed times. Some people help you grow. And a few let you down. But there is always something they can offer you.

To give up on those whom you love the most is tough. But then some people are so good at letting you down that all the second chances you have given them goes in vain. That's what happened with my boyfriend. But the time was up. You cannot go into an infinite loop of spending all your faith on someone and let them keep on turn you down. Thus, it was decided. It was time!

"I think this is where we should end this." I said.

"End what?" he asked.

"End whatever that is left between you and me." My voice was steady, with no trace of doubt. Flat and smooth like the glass.

"Aren't we over this?" he sounded frustrated.

"Stalling away the conversation never actually let us to get over with it. I hope you know that." I said blankly.

"Okay. Tell me, what do you really want?"

"Answers."

"Then ask."

"Will you marry me?"

"I can't. I need time."

"Let me ask you this way; will you marry me, ever?"

He was silent for a few minutes. "I don't think things are gonna work out between us. We are so different. You have a bright future ahead. I don't want to ruin that for you." He finally said.

"Then it's a no?" It didn't surprise me. Maybe I knew the answers all along.

"Hmm.", was his answer.

"Is there any chance for us if I wait and give you the time as long as you need." I gave a one last shot.

"I... I don't think that is possible. Don't waste your life for me." He was finally letting go.

"Okay, one last question."

"Hmm?"

"Have you ever loved me?"

"You have no idea!" He said with light laughter.

I know he loved me. And still does. But as they say, we both knew, love was not enough.

"Why didn't you say all this while? Why did you drag it so long? Why did you kept on asking for second chances if you hadn't planned to stay?" For some reason my eyes filled with tears.

"Because it is really hard to let go of someone who you thought the world of." His voice cracked.

Tears rolled down my cheeks. I knew this would be end of our story, for long time now. Yet it felt difficult to process. "Will you say that you love me for the one last time?"

"I love you. Always."

"I love you too."

We both didn't utter a word for some time. "So, is this it? We won't talk to each other from now on?" he asked. His voice almost a whisper.

"In your dreams mister!" And we both laughed through the sobs. "We are friends first, then a couple. Friends will always stay friends."

"Thank you." He sighed.

So, that was that. I don't know if I was relieved or sad. It was a mixture of both. I had anticipated it to be much more painful. But this was bearable. Maybe it was because I got a lot of time preparing for the break up. I had plenty of time to adjust to the situation even before it happened. I guess this was what he had been trying to do. Prepare both of us to face it with a little less of hurt. It did feel like a part my heart got empty. As if the void kept me light. Some part of me was happy that I need not lie to him anymore, that I won't have to feel guilty of deceiving him.

.......................................................

"I am officially single now." I announced over the phone.

"What." Aylan was confused.

"I broke up with him." I said keeping my voice constant. Aylan must have sensed my effort, "Are you okay?", he asked.

"Yes, I am. I do feel sad though, like I should. But it doesn't feel exactly like a break up since we will be in touch as friends now. Or maybe it has something to do with you. I mean, having you in my life helps me not to concentrate too much on our break up."

"Did you break up with him because of me?" he asked.

"No. Even you know where we stood. Me and him. I just realized that he is not my supreme happiness, that there are other things that keeps me alive. I learnt that he is not the kind of person that I wanna be with. Just being in love is not enough to spend an eternity together. However, I tried to give it another chance. I told him I will wait till everything goes right. But he said he doesn't want me to. I never had a place there, Aylan. I should have realized that long back. It was even okay if he didn't want to marry me. I just needed us to be like normal couples, at least. So that we could enjoy it till it lasts. If he wasn't ready to do that either, then there was no point in staying." I explained.

"Then what about me? I also don't want to marry you. Are you gonna end things with me too?"

"There is nothing about you, Aylan. There is nothing to end. Because we never had anything between us. You never promised to stay. In fact, you were very clear about not wanting to be involved, from the beginning. So, I don't have any expectations or complaints for you. But the reason I don't wanna leave you is that even if we are not together, with you, there are a lot of things to look forward to. I wanna live Aylan, not survive. With him neither was possible; I was dying. So, I came out of it." I sounded tired.

"I am sorry. It's not that I don't love you. I really do. But I have never felt the need of wanting someone by my side. I don't think I will ever feel that longing for love. It is nice to be loved but it is not a necessity for me. I don't tend to hang on my emotions. I have imagined how I would react if I lost the people who I care about. I've pictured myself after the death of my parents. I am not saying that I won't be sad. It is just that I will get over it faster. I won't be weeping around for a long time. At least that is how I want me to be, how I think I will be.

But I can't say that for sure, since I have never gone through that kind of scenarios. Maybe it will be different. No one can say for sure unless it happens. What I am trying to say is that, I don't think I will feel the kind of pain one would feel if they lose their love, if I lost you. I will be sad. And I will miss you for some time. After that, life will be the same for me. I won't be devastated or anything. Things can change with time.

The only thing is that I don't want it to. This is who I am. This is how I want to be." I could say he was telling me not to keep any false hopes.

"I know, Aylan. Don't worry, I don't believe in fairy tales anymore." And I hung up on him.

I was numb. A lot of things happened till then. Nobody said love was this hard. Apparently, everything I thought and knew about love was wrong. But then, I was a miserable a romantic like Aylan used to call me.