Until She Was Gone

Chapter 35 | his heartbreak

My heart stopped.

Fear was a thing that you couldn't cease. And I couldn't cease it flowing through me like water. Stabbing me in places.

If water could stab.

Time stopped, this time not in that dreamlike moment. But the dread of what will happen now.

Brady released me the next second, as if I was some hot coal. My mind wasn't able to process anything.

I inhaled sharply as my head moved towards Austin Ashford.

He stood there, right in the middle of the hall. The center, where we had been dancing. I hadn't even noticed. I was too lost into Brady's rhythm.

His green eyes flickered between his brother and I. His mouth was agape. His eyes took in shock, and hurt.

I winced, biting my cheek. Shit. What did I do?

What did we do?

My hands formed into a fist, controlling my urge to rip my hair out of my scalp in frustration and regret.

He saw us.

He saw me leaning in.

Austin took a step away from me, his mouth still open. His blonde hair was neatly combed and his suit was awfully similar to Brady's. I would bet he had that cheeky smile on him too. Until he saw us.

I caught myself from glancing at Brady.

It would give away too much.

But hadn't enough been given away?

My heart was breaking. For him. For me.

Those light green eyes usually filled with such joy, suddenly filled up with such anguish that I had to look away.

" Brady." he said, so quietly as if his voice was no longer fully functional. From the corner of my eye, I saw Brady make the same fists of his fingers and wince outwardly.

" Austin look-"

" It isn't what you think. Is that what you were going to say?"

" Yeah." Brady said, as quietly and brokenly. I choked in my own sob, not wanting to see this.

I wish I could go back in time.

Turn this all around.

I wouldn't have danced with Brady. I didn't know that I was so deep now that I couldn't control myself anymore. I should've known.

" You are my brother. I saw exactly what was in your eyes. I saw exactly what you wanted to do. I saw enough." Austin hissed, now the brokenness and rage merged. Each word he said was sharp. And I knew it pierced Brady like a knife.

" Why would you do that? Is it because you lost your own love now that you would take mine?"

" Austin--" I started.

" NO." his voice wasn't loud. No one knew what was going on. The music was booming through the hall. People were dancing their lives out.

But his words were sharp enough for me to lose anything I was about to say. He turned his attention to me.

" And you. You Sylvia. I saw how you looked at him too. My brother. You were so close, you just could've kissed him. Maybe you did mean to. Maybe you thought that since I wasn't there, you might just have fun with my twin brother. It's chrismas anyway. What are we?Me and Brady? The same? Is that what you think? That one day you'll get one and the other you'll get the other?"

" It wasn't her fault Austin." Brady rasped in between. " It was mine. I asked her to dance. I forced her."

My heart broke even further, if it was possible. I decided I wouldn't stand silent anymore.

And I wouldn't let Brady take the brunt of it either. I had equal parts to it.

" No" I said, collecting my thoughts. " He didn't force me. He asked me just because we were friends and I said yes. It was my fault Austin. It was mine and I'm so sorry--"

"How could you?" he hissed.

" And do you expect me to believe that. Oh right, the way Brady was holding onto you, yup, Just friends. Just simply friends holding each other as if they could fuck in this hall this very moment."

This time, both of us flinched visibly. Those words hit hard. Really hard. 

This time the words did not just cut through like a dagger, but stab and twist. They turned everything upside down.

But did we look at each other like that?

I couldn't care less right now though.

" Austin. Please." I couldn't say anything else. I couldn't lie to him. I couldn't say that I only loved him.

The world was crumbling right beneath my feet. Everything I had thought for ahead was now falling out of the sky. Like dreams slowly fading out of my reach.

The heart wants what it wants.

" Just tell me." he said, his voice cracking, " Do you love me?"

I exhaled.

" I do. I love you." I saw Brady's head tilt back and his fists clenched tighter. " I love you as my best friend. Someone who means so much to me. I love you and will cherish you--"

" So all this time, all this time you were in love with my brother?" his voice cracked even more. The ornaments around us glittered and I had that sudden spark of anger. I wanted to take everything down. I wanted to tear apart the world.
"No, of course not. I tried, I really tried. I swear. I thought that catching feelings for you wouldn't be a wise choice in the beginning. It started just for fun though, right?"

Austin's hands twitched by his sides. His eyes closed shut, eyelashes fluttering on his cheek.

He looked so vulnerable. So harmed.

" Not for me. It had never been for me." he breathed.

" But it's fine. I was the heartbreaker and I got my own heart broken. It's okay though. I guess I deserved it." 

His eyes were still shut as he slowly took steps back. Like he wanted to escape and change what was happening.

I swore I heard the cracking of everything inside me.

" No." I whispered, hoping he heard me through the music. "No. In fact, you deserve love better than me. You deserve everything and I am not it." I knew tears were lining up in my eyes now. I wanted to just collapse and leave life because it was crumbling and breaking.

I couldn't believe I was breaking someone's heart.

And how much it broke my own.

" She's right. You deserve so much better. As a brother too. Not me." Brady inhaled.

"I...I also tried Austin. I tried for you. And I failed. If you wish to never forgive me again, I'll understand." Brady said in a devastated voice. 

The sense of utter failure radiated for him and I understood how much it had cracked him too. When I stole a glance at his deep blue eyes, I had to look away because of the intense emotion running through them. 

It was a rare moment where all of us just stood vulnerable, shedding our feelings through our faces and eyes. There was no mask.

It didn't do any of us any good in th end though.

" I just want silence." Austin said at last. " I am done."

And with that, he disappeared into the mess of the people.

It was Christmas night. And I just broke someone's heart.