Vigilante | H.S.

21 | Arrogance

March 13

I was very hungover.

I hated that I kept doing that to myself but It become a safe place for me; drowning myself like I did last night.

It was an escape where I didn't have to think about how fucked up everything was.

But the hangover hurt less than the heartbreak, so I didn't mind.

I was alone...I was so fucking alone.

Yes, I had Jade, Liam and Niall, and I knew I had them. But Jade had Liam and Liam had Jade. Niall had all his friends from his work, I saw him less and less as the days went on.

It hurt, it broke my heart when I finally realised that I was nobody's favourite person. I was just there, a complete fucking burden to everyone around me.

I dumped all my issues on Jade and Liam last night, and I hated myself for doing that. I wasn't their problem.

It was like standing in a crowded room at a party, everyone knew each other, and everyone was friends. And I was just there in the middle, completely isolated.

And I couldn't even try and speak to anyone, because for some reason, the solution to how alone I was feeling, was to further distance myself from them.

I didn't mind being alone, I could do fine by myself and I like that now I don't have to deal with anyone telling me how to live.

But being alone is completely different from feeling alone,

I feel like I have nobody, I feel worthless and like I'm not good enough.

And for some reason I've convinced myself that I have nobody to talk to about all of this, i told myself that nobody wanted to see me, nobody wants to talk to me unless I talk to them first and its the worst feeling I've ever felt.

Most of the time I just wished I could disappear.

Everyday was a waste of time, because I wasn't getting better anytime soon.

I really did just feel like I was falling apart, but all I could do was stand and watch. I didn't know how to fix myself.

I'd never felt lonely before, I always felt like I had James, even when deep down I knew I didn't, I convinced myself I had him, and that was enough.

And I fucking hated the fact that the one person I thought could help me feel better, was one of the people who made me feel like this in the first place.

I'd never blame all my own issues on Harry, that wasn't fair, and he didn't owe me anything, but I was still hurt.

I didn't know how it got so bad so quickly, it was like one minute I was fine- not good but fine- and the next minute. I was passed out on my couch, knowing that drinking myself to sleep was the only way to stop myself from having a nightmare,

How did I get this bad? It was all I ever thought about, yet I could never find my answer, no matter how much I thought about it.

I had absolutely no idea what to do with myself, and the numbing pain was so frustrating.

Maybe I was just sleep deprived, three nights with no sleep couldn't be healthy. In fact, I definitely was.

"Miss De Angelais" A deep male voice calling me by my last name snapped me out of my self-pitying thoughts.

I stopped what I was doing. I recognised the voice and there was instantly a pit of dread and fear in my stomach.

"Micheal?" I looked, seeing the father of the man I was most terrified of.