Vigilante | H.S.

36 | Need

April 14

Its almost been a week since I've spoken to Harry.

I had felt heartbreak and pain so many times, but it was the physical pain I was used to. The emotional pain was new to me, I'd never had such strong feelings towards someone before that nobody had ever been able to break my heart like he did.

It was like a stab in the heart, twisting around when I lay in bed alone. I knew it was silly, I got attached too easily, I latched on to him because he made me feel the best I ever had in a long time.

And I thought that maybe he felt the same, I liked the way he looked at me. Then he said it was a mistake. That I was a mistake.

I think his leaving made me realise how strong my feelings towards him actually are, it's something I tried to stop myself from doing. I told myself not to feel towards him because I always knew in the back of my head that he could hurt me badly if he wanted to.

It was more than just caring about him, it was more than just liking him.

It was a craving feeling, I craved him constantly, his touch, his hands, the smile I rarely saw.

I was angry at myself for missing him, every part of me was begging to be close to him again and it was tortuous.

It just hurt so much because I thought he cared about me, he came to my apartment so quickly and without hesitation when I had called him.

But then only an hour later, he left and couldn't even look at me as he did it.

And I hated how quickly I fell apart again.

I felt like an idiot, nobody should be able to affect me this much.

All my energy was focused on breathing, that was enough for now. I kept reminding myself to breathe, and there was nothing left for me to do except breathe and keep the misery contained.

I was trying so hard not to let the misery escape, keeping it bottled up instead of letting it pour out. Knowing if it escaped, I'd end up drowning in it.

I stared at myself in the mirror. I had done my makeup tonight, red lipstick and dark eyes. I wore a mesh white bra, with matching underwear and mesh white thigh high stockings and a garter around my hips that was attached to the stockings. Everything was mesh white and covered in little daisies. I wanted to feel pretty, sexy even.

I didn't feel it, but I was sure if I had a few shots of tequila or vodka, I'd feel much happier.

Jade was next to me, finishing her makeup by adding some dark purple lipstick to compliment the dark eyeshadow she had done. I was back working at the club, it had reopened after the whole incident with Kyle.

I had to give a statement on what had happened. And as terrified as I was to do it, I lied straight to their faces. I told them that I didn't see the face of the guy that did it, but he was bald and he looked in his fifties. I never mentioned Harry or Zayn.

No matter how hurt I was that he left again, I could tell anyone that they had done it.

I missed him so fucking much. And he missed me too.

The hundred missed phone calls proved it.

"Fries?" Jade asked me snapping me out of my thoughts, handing a box of fries over to me to have some.

I shook my head.

I didn't expect myself to lose my appetite again. I mostly ate when I was with Jade, feeling obligated to since that's what she did, and I knew I needed to.