Vigilante | H.S.

96 | Cruel

Warning for violence. I don't think it goes into too much detail but if you get grossed out easily then skip to the end where it changes pov.

I love you <3

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September 5th.

Harry Styles

I'd done a lot in the twenty-six years of my life. I've killed hundreds of people, ruined lives, made so many fucking mistakes, and lost everyone I've ever cared about. I was nineteen when I first experienced grief, all five stages and I'd lived through it when mum died. Mum and Gemma were the only people I loved, and they were both taken from me. From that moment on, I promised myself never to love anyone or anything again.

I was afraid to love because it always came with a cost. It came with a price, and in this case the price was life. The scariest part of it all was when I knew I had fallen in love. I never knew what to do with myself because I was in denial for so long, and I didn't know whether my love would be received or rejected. That was the scariest part. I never believed an angel could fall for such a monster. But she did. I was so completely comfortable around her, and she had given every part of herself to me, and I was the same with her. She had all of me. At first I never knew what I'd get in return from her, but it was when she came back to me after finding out about me and my job, when she came back and let me hold her, I knew I had all of her too. Nobody made me feel the way she did, I didn't even know the feeling as possible.

My own mind had played against me, I was always so focused on the bad that I never fully appreciated the good. My mind only reminded me of the darkness. But she was that light. She made me only think of the good side, everything else was gone when I was with her. I'd always felt like it was just me and her left in the world, and that's what I wished it was. Me and my daisy, just us where nobody could hurt us.

She was selfless, she was patient, she was kind, she was loving. She opened herself up to me, and I always knew that was one of the hardest things for her to do. She was scared of being open, of being true to herself and to who she wanted to be, what she wanted to do. That vulnerability is what scared her, her guard was always up, she had to protect herself because she'd never had someone to do it for her. She'd always put others before herself. But the second she opened herself up to me fully, when I saw every part of her, who she was and who she wanted to be, that was the moment I fell in love with her.

I hated myself for it. I knew it wouldn't end well yet I still let myself fall. I'd gone through so much in the past nine months of knowing her, I'd experienced more in that time than I ever had before. Caring about her, wanting to keep her safe, taking her on a date, dancing with her, seeing her get hurt, losing her, getting her back, taking her on holiday, falling in love with her, and then losing her again.

I'd felt the feeling of love for so long when I was with her, but I didn't know what it was, again, I was in denial. I wanted to be in denial of it because when I thought for a second that I'd let myself fall in love, my mind flipped to the dark side again, and I only thought about the consequences of loving her.

Love did nothing but cause pain and destruction.

And it was like a loop, because again, I loved her, and now she was dying.

I'm so madly fucking in love with her.

I wasn't used to feeling so many things. I'd spent almost twenty-six years of my life in a complete state of numbness. For a really long time, I kind of emotionally coasted, I didn't really feel anything. I knew it was bad, I'd have feelings, but I'd keep them bottled up so deep inside me that I got too used to suppressing those emotions. And whenever I'd notice those emotions starting to come back, when I'd begin to feel again, I just wanted it to go away. Because if I felt anything then I'd have to feel everything, the guilt, the regret, the grief of losing the only people I loved.