Vigilante | H.S.

52 | Guilt

Play the song at the **

May 2
5:15am

Harry Styles

Guilt is such a strange feeling.

Because it's something I always heard about, it was something I was always told I should feel. But never once in my life have I ever felt an ounce of guilt, I'd never felt bad for something I had done.

Until I met Diana.

I have felt guilty every single day since I met her, even though it took me a month to figure out what the feeling was, it all made sense when I found out it was guilt.

I felt guilty when I left her, I felt guilty when she wasn't smiling, I felt guilty when she cried, I felt guilty when I fell asleep before her, I felt guilty that I couldn't protect her from everything that's happened to her.

I felt guilty that I wanted her.

Because it was such a selfish thing. I was ruining her but I never wanted to let her go; I couldn't.

I felt like a vicious snake slowly constricting her and leading her into a trap, and it would only be so long before I snapped, and I hurt her.

She's such an angel, I would never want to hurt an angel like her. She's so adorable and happy, all the time, even when it seems like her world is falling apart she somehow keeps a smile on her face.

But I felt guilty.

Because she worries about me too much, she feels the guilt I feel but ten times worse, she has to start putting herself first. But she let me hurt her just so I wouldn't hurt myself.

She saw me have a nightmare, again, and I was sure I was going to hit her, but I knew deep down that I could not do that. I would never forgive myself, and I knew she would forgive me, because that's all she's ever done, forgive, forgive and forgive.

The thought of me hurting her is something I know will haunt me, even if I didn't know I was doing it, I still did it.

It was my hands that left those marks on her hands.

And I saw the way she looked into my eyes, I reminded her of him.

I couldn't even stop it, it was embarrassing; I cried.

Seeing the damage I had left on her perfect body, damage caused by me. She never deserved it, She never deserved anything that was happening to her and I couldn't stop blaming myself.

She should have gotten up and left right then and there, the minute I laid a hand on her she should have left. And as much as it would kill me, even though it was my biggest fear, I would have let her leave.

I didn't deserve her at all, she held me and whispered sweet words of reassurance in my ear as I sat below her and cried into her shoulder. Nobody had ever seen me cry, I couldn't even remember the last time it happened.

Diana shuffled a bit in her sleep, groaning and nuzzling her face into my shoulder more.

She fell asleep almost instantly, but I couldn't. I could still feel the demons inside me trying to claw their way out, there was nothing I wanted more than to go down to my kitchen and take some of the toxins I had hidden on high shelves, I couldn't have her finding them.

I needed something to numb the pain, it was eating me alive.

I could feel her heartbeat on my chest, she lay on her stomach like she always did, her arm slumped across my chest with her face nuzzled in my shoulder and one of her legs slotted between mine.