NEVER LEAVING YOUR HEART ALONE

WANT WHAT YOU CAN'T

Derek laid in the bed. His arm slowly reached over, expecting to touch Meredith. He was expecting to feel her warm, soft skin. Instead, his hand met the warm bed sheets. He hadn't even heard her wake up. Between the long hours at the hospital, and the all night they themselves had been pulling, he was exhausted, both mentally and physically.

He wished it would all slow down, but he knew it wouldn't. He was a world-class neurosurgeon, and she was an intern. Neither of them had time to think. Not to mention, the stress of the Livingston's trial was weighing on them. Every time to they inquired, it seemed there was another pre-trial or continuance. Everyday, they began to love Anna a little more, and everyday became more unknown.

Derek laid there, thankful for the rest. Last night was the first night that he had been home before nine o'clock. And Meredith had been on-call a lot lately. Most of the time she was getting home later than he was, or she didn't come home at all. It for the best, he told himself. At least at work, she managed to keep her mind off of the stress that was consuming them both. It seemed they never had time to just rest. So he was taking full advantage of it. He laid there, hoping to close his eyes for a few more minutes. Then he heard it. It was faint, and it was familiar.

He slowly pulled himself out of bed. He almost knew. He didn't have to see, to know. It had happened already. The sound got louder as he closed in on it. It broke his heart. It felt like he was being stabbed by a dull, rusty, blade. It was a sound that made his heart jump into his throat. It was sound of his love, crying. He gently pushed the door open. There sat Meredith, sitting on the side of the bathtub, with her head in her hands, sobs rocking her shoulders.

"Oh, Mer" Derek said as he sat on the side of the bathtub and pulled her close. The ever-so-familiar blue stick sitting on the vanity. Derek didn't have to look at it. He knew. He knew that it was negative, just as it was the time before, and the time before that.

"I can't so this..." She sputtered in between cries.

"Meredith. It's okay." He said as he pulled her even closer.

"No, Derek. Something is wrong." She whined as she buried her face into his warm tee shirt.

"Mer, we haven't been trying that long." Derek said as he gave her a hopeful look.

"Three moths Derek! Three." She said, as she began to cry. "We were ready. And now- Something is wrong, Derek. I can feel it." She said as she sobbed.

Derek could feel her warm body against his. He didn't know how to comfort her. He just held her, just as he did before. She was right, he had the feeling too. He felt that something wasn't right. He had honestly thought they could do it in one shot. He was expecting to be planning a nursery. He was hoping in another month, they would have been looking at an ultrasound. What he wasn't expecting was another test, with another negative sign, and Meredith sobbing in the bathroom. Frustrating didn't even cover it.

"We'll keep trying, Mer." He told her, trying to make her feel better, trying to get the glimmer to return to her eyes. "It will happen." Derek said as he rubbed her arms softly. "There are always options..."

"When is Jane coming?" She asked as she stiffened her body against his.

"She should be here in an hour." Derek returned as he looked at the clock.

Jane was Anna's nanny. Meredith was apprehensive, and Derek was too. They knew this was not the answer to their problems. They knew they couldn't be part time parents. But it seemed like every time they turned around it was something. Either being on call, or one more this or one more that. Anna was by no means being neglected. She spent a good amount of time with either Derek or Meredith everyday. But everyday, Derek was feeling more and more pressure, and he knew something had to change, and it had to change soon.