There is Everything for You Here

Chapter 16

Hi Everyone! Hope you're having a wonderful day : )))

Isaac wasn't there at breakfast, and I wondered if he was avoiding me or just sleeping in. Either way, He was missing pancakes, which had everyone else walking around in high spirits – the dining room the fullest I had seen it so far.

Liam had his plate stacked high, eating away while I picked at mine, mindlessly poking at the strawberries in the sauce I doused on top. They didn't even have blueberry sauce today, to make matters worse.

I swirled around the sugary syrup on my plate with my fork, raking thin lines into the thick substance. The noise in the dining room felt overwhelming. Low chatter from other tables made me want to dunk my head underwater, to find silence.

Klara and Jameela seemed to sense my bad mood as well, because thankfully they didn't press me on the details from last night, at least not until we got back to mine and Klara's room.

"Sooo, what happened with Mr. Steal your girl?" Jameela asked cautiously, closing the door gently behind her.

"We kissed." I said, pulling open one of my dresser drawers and shaking it when it wouldn't open right away.

"Oh my god! So why aren't you over the absolute frickin moon right now?"

"Because I told him we couldn't do it, I couldn't fall for him right now." I took a sweater out of the drawer and aimlessly folded it.

"Are you out of your mind? Have you seen him? He is drop dead gorgeous and you want to turn him away?" Klara asked, sucking back the rest of her breakfast smoothie.

"It's not that simple. I just can't fall in love right now; I'm trying to focus on myself."

"Who said anything about love? Just have some fun." Klara's words echoed Isaac's from last night and I felt my chest tighten.

"I just don't feel that way about guys."

"Huh? Are you a lesbian? Does that mean I have a shot with you?" Klara winked at me and I rolled my eyes.

"No, I mean with relationships. I feel like when you're with someone, and you have romance and stuff it's never just fun. I want it to mean something. I like having one person that you can just be with."

"Yeah, I think you've been reading too many romance novels." She teased.

"Whatever."

"I think that's very sweet of you Stella, don't let Klara get in the way of your romance," Jameela defended.

"Hey, I am not!" Jameela gave her a funny look. "Ok, maybe just a little."

I wanted to be with Isaac, but prioritizing my mental health was way more important than some boy. But Isaac wasn't even some boy. He was my reading partner, he was my friend, and I missed his company.

Last night I felt happier than I had been in a long time, but I couldn't let him be the one to make me happy. What if he broke my heart? Then what was I basing my happiness on?

----

"Would it be so bad if you let him into your life?" Dr Kahn asked when I shared my thoughts with him that afternoon. It felt weird telling him about it, but since Isaac and I didn't share the same therapist, I thought it would be safe enough.

"Well, wouldn't it get in the way of my recovery?"

"Not exactly. Having meaningful relationships in our lives can be a great source of happiness."

"But what if he breaks my heart?"

"Just take it one step at a time. No one is saying right now that that will happen. It's okay to take chances on people, it's part of life."