The Stella I Remember

36| Twenty Year Old Secrets

Guilt flooded me as I sat across from Matthew in my living room. Luckily he got called into work yesterday when I was at Bree's, so I had a little bit of a reprieve. I was also able to kinda avoid my mother yesterday, too.  

After I repeatedly ignored her calls she tried to make a surprise visit to my apartment. She knocked on my door multiple times but I never opened it. I just pretended I wasn't home. She wanted me in New York, and here I was. 

I knew I was going to have to deal with her eventually. Most likely today. But I needed yesterday for myself. After I left Bree's, I spent the day in bed. I had been overwhelmed with regret and longing for Elliot. I didn't even know if he found my note. He probably thought I abandoned him. 

Elliot.

Maybe I should have just woken him up before I left. But I knew that if I did that then I wouldn't have made it out the door—and it wasn't because he would have begged me to stay. No. It would have been because I wouldn't have been able to leave. I may be confused about a lot of things, but I knew without a doubt that I would never be able to look into Elliot's eyes and leave him behind. I was surprised I was able to do it at all. 

But there was more time for regret later where Elliot was concerned. Right now, I had to deal with Matthew. 

"So it's over, then? We're not getting married?"

"No," I answered softly. "I'm sorry, Matthew. I wish I could say something that...I'm not trying to hurt you." 

Matthew got up from the couch and started pacing around my living room. "I just don't understand how this happened, Stella. Was it something I said? Or did? I thought we were in a good place." 

"We were but—I mean, it's hard to explain, Matthew. It wasn't something that you did." I leaned back against the plush cushions. "This has to do with me and who I am."

"That doesn't really explain anything, Stella." He splayed his arms wide. "I mean, I gave you almost two years of my life. I think I deserve an explanation." 

How much did I want to tell him? Should I tell him? When I looked at the heartbroken expression on Matthew's face, I got my answer. 

"Sit down, Matthew. I need to tell you something." 

Once I started telling him the story, it all came pouring out of me. I told him about meeting Elliot at Warped Tour. I explained how we had fallen in love when we were seventeen. I explained the plan to meet at the airport two weeks later. 

Matthew knew about my accident, of course, and he was just as shocked as I was when I told him I started getting some of my memories back. I didn't miss the pain in his eyes when I confessed to reconnecting with Elliot. I tried to soften the blow with that one, but it didn't work. When I told Matthew that I had been intimate with Elliot, he held his hand up to cut me off. 

"Enough," he rasped. "That's—that's enough, Stella." 

I could barely look at Matthew after dumping all that on him. I was a cheater—a legit cheater—and Matthew had been a great boyfriend and fiancee. Sure there was that whole thing with my mom when I got mad at him, but he still didn't deserve this.

"Stella? Stella, look at me." 

I lifted my eyes to his. God. He looked like a ruined man. 

"I understand now," he murmured. "I understand why I've always felt like you were keeping me at arms length." 

"I never meant to, Matthew." 

I was telling the truth. During the course of our relationship, there was always something that was keeping me from completely giving myself to Matthew. I wasn't able to give him my heart like he wanted. I didn't know it at the time, but it was because my heart already belonged to Elliot.