The Stella I Remember

38| We Move Forward

I looked at Stella from where I sat on her couch. She was standing about six feet in front of me, fidgeting with her fingers. It took all my energy not to take her to her bedroom and make love to her again. And again and again.

I shifted on the couch and rearranged my jeans. Christ. I shouldn't be hard for again already. Then again, why was I surprised? She made me feel things I've never for with anyone else. Or wanted to. 

"I owe you an explanation."

"Stella, you don't—"

"Yes, I do. That night at the cabin after we...I got up to use the restroom. My phone was going off and it was my mom. She said if I didn't come home right away then she was going to send my—uh, Matthew to the cabin. I couldn't let that happen, Elliot."

It took me a few seconds to process what she was saying. The reasoning behind her decision made a lot more sense now. But still...

"It wouldn't have been fair to you," she continued. "I didn't want him to come to the cabin—to our place. It just wasn't right."

"But that's not the only reason," I finally said before looking up at her again. "That's not the only reason you didn't want him to come there."

I didn't need to bother with specifics. She knew exactly what I was talking about.

"You're right. I was worried about how you would react if he showed up at our door."

Our door. For some reason those two words stood out to me.

"Do you really think I would do something that stupid? I just got you back, Stella. I wouldn't jeopardize that by getting into a fight with him." My voice softened a little when I asked, "Would I have fought for you? Yes. Fuck yes. Every goddamn day for the rest of my life, I will fight to keep you. But I can't afford to risk losing you again."

Stella walked towards me and sat on her small coffee table. Leaning forward, she clasped my hands in hers.

"I know, Elliot. And I won't risk losing you again, either. I can't. I already lost too much and I cant—"

Her words cut off on a choked sob and I squeezed her hand reassuringly. I hated when she was hurting. Couldn't fucking stand it.

"I ended things with him," she muttered. "Its over."

I knew who the him was.

"What did you tell him?"

She shrugged one shoulder. "The truth. Everything. I told him about New Orleans and how we found each other again. I told him that we were together and that I was in love with you. It hurt him, but he said he forgave me. I couldn't believe he said that. I don't feel like I deserve forgiveness. Not from him, anyway."

"I'm sorry, baby. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. This is partly my fault, too." When she frowned at me I added, "I knew there was someone else. I could feel it. Even before you told me about...him. And even before Marcus warned me that there was probably someone waiting for you in New York. But that didn't stop me from kissing you and touching you." Even though it shamed me, I admitted, "Even if you told me you were already married, I don't think I would have had the strength not to be with you like that. Unless you didn't want me, of course." 

Stella's eyes watered and she offered me a small smile. "I always want you. Even if I was married, I wouldn't have been able to stay away from you either, Elliot. I told you that first night in the cabin, even when I didn't remember you, that I felt a pull towards you. Even if I was married and said no, it would only be a matter of time."