Monty

17: Dad

Lucinda

The night before:

I get into my car and slam the door so hard the car shakes.

Tears run down my face uncontrollably as I drive home.

I should've known better

I'm so freaking stupid.

Friends

I cry hysterically while I'm in the car. I'm not angry I'm just so freaking upset.

My ability to control my emotions right now is  ridiculous...

When I get out of my car I trip and scratch my knee which ignites my anger.

Being clumsy when you're annoyed and upset is the most irritating thing on planet earth

When I get into my apartment I slam the door shut and i hear metal fall onto the ground. I look down and the handle feel off.

I feel myself falling into the trap I tried so hard to climb out of

I try my breathing techniques.
I try counting backwards from 100 but it's not working.
There's so much anger bottled up in me.

I wanna see my dad

Calm down Lucy,calm down Lucy

My dad was amazing...but his anger is one thing I hate about him. Not that he ever took it out on me. But because I inherited it from him.

My dad said that he was just born with it. When he was a baby he cried Bloody murder he kept his mother awake all night.

My dad was stubborn when he was growing up. The teachers thought he had ADHD. He would shout at the teachers cause trouble in class and constantly fight people.

He got suspended 27 times and expelled from 3 schools in his short school life before his mother gave up on him.

He got kicked out when he was 14 because of his anger . He would punch walls break the windows and destroy things when he got angry.

His mother never cared... He always told me that he was angry because no one cared. He just wanted to be loved and feel like like he mattered to someone.

Sometimes I think maybe if his mother cared he would've been happier...

He was 17 when he had me. My birth mom was 16. They were both troubled teens. My birth mother left my dad when I was a few weeks old and it's been me and him ever since.

He was determined to work hard and get on his feet for me.
By the time he was 22 he had a well paying job and a beautiful spacious apartment for the both of us. Life was great...he made it great.

He never once raised his voice at me. Never hit me never shouted never got angry infornt of me....except that one time

That one fucking time

He did everything he could to make sure I didn't turn out like him. He didn't treat me like rubbish the way his mother did. He didn't continue the bad parenting, and I freaking love him for that

Despite all he did to make sure I didn't  turn out a raging bull his efforts failed.

My anger issues started when I was about 4.At school when my Lego would break and fall over I'd roar and pull my hair out. I'd pick out my eyelashes and scratch myself out of anger .

I would get mad when people didn't understand me or when I'd get something wrong.

The doctors said that since I was a girl I was less likely or would not inherit it....