The Bad Boys' Soft Boys' Lonely Hearts Club - The Full Package

The One Where Ayden Rants About Pachelbel

I woke up to the most obnoxious sound in the world I could've ever imagined: Pachelbel's Canon.

Seriously, fuck this song. It's everywhere, it's boring, and it's dull as fuck. Where to begin with it? First, let's get out of the way the fact that is not a canon. A Canon is something like "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" when one part starts and other starts behind and makes this clusterfuck of a song, but hey! It's cool.

Pachelbel's Canon? None of that shit. It doesn't have canon because it ads a continuous bass line, 8 fucking notes that repeat at-infinitum, without an ounce of variation, 54 times, as everyone else shreds equally inane shit around it. It's the musical equivalent of the myth of Sisyphus, punished by the gods to push a boulder up a hill, only to fall right back before reaching the top and having to do it over and over again.

To me, that's what Pachelbel's Canon is—a punishment in D, A, B, F#, G, D, G, A, that repeats until I die of boredom. I know I have a tendency to blow things out of proportion, but I literally have a surplus of fucks when it comes to describing why I hate Pachelbel's Canon. Why the fuck do we even care about a son by the Baroque equivalent of Coolio's Ganstas' Paradise? Seriously, talk about a one-hit wonder.

Wait, if Pachebel's Canon is punishing me, it can only mean one thing...

"Hey," says Jin, shoving Juan with his beef-sirloin shoulder, "the ceremony's starting. Wanna sneak out to see the boss walking down the altar?"

Juan shakes his head vigorously, almost making his round shades fly out of his round head. "No. Boss told us to stay here, so we stay here."

Jin nudges him once again. "C'mon, Juan. We will only see the boss walk down the aisle once, you know? Don't you want to see him all dressed up to marry what will be the love of his life for, like, two years until she dies of mysterious circumstances and a revolving door of partners come and go that make him more empty like the last?"

Juan turns around to see us, and I play dead, I kinda open an eye to see if he turned around, and he does. He takes out a handkerchief and cleans away a stray tear, using the same handkerchief to blow his nose.

"I wouldn't wanna miss it for the world," says Juan, pointing a thumb back at us. "But what about them?"

"They're gonna be fine," says Jin, putting a hand around his companion. Well, about three-quarters of him, that is. "Five minutes, in and out, nobody will know."

"Alright, five minutes," says Juan.

Both of them practically prance out of the room in glee, leaving us three alone. Well, not alone if you count the ever-destructive presence of Pachelbel's Canon. Which I do. I've lost count of how long it has been going, but I know it's gonna be at least five more minutes of this hellhole. But most importantly, it's five minutes of uninterrupted attempts to leave this place.

I try to shimmy out of these ropes, but there's no use. This is some shibari-bondage levels of knotting right here. I feel like the more I struggle, the more it digs into my skin, and this is definitely not natural rope, so my skin is red and puffy, making it even tighter. It's a vicious circle. Just like Pachebel's Canon. See? It can even be used to describe punishment.

If I want to get out, I'll need some help on this.

"Hayden!" I yell, but I see no budge. "Hayden, god dammit, wake the fuck up! We only have a few minutes of this bullshit."

Still, not a stir, barely a breath.

I use my strength and momentum to shimmy the chair closer to him, kinda like a crab tied to a rock. Why a crab? Because I'm sure that if crabs had ears, they would also hate Pachelbel's Canon.