The Bad Boys' Soft Boys' Lonely Hearts Club - The Full Package

The Shitti Date ~ Part 2

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure a fairground where children are running around and people are preparing food shouldn't be set right between a landfill and a nuclear plant. I didn't even know the town had a nuclear plant. Are we in Springfield? This would explain all the Simpsons-esque shenanigans that comprise my life, but I'm sure Disney will sue us if we imply anything related to their intellectual property.

Not that the Simpsons have an ounce of intellect behind their plot since season 7. Eat my shorts, Michael Mouse!

But seriously, this place stinks. And not because of the piles of fresh trash juice brewing on the summer sun, or the radioactive river, or the dead fishes lining said radioactive river, or the towers of smoke from the burning trash that is lowering my I.Q by the second. No, it's more of a proverbial stink, seeing that most of the booths and attractions are made of ice cream sticks—most likely scavenged from the landfill behind us—and held together by spit and duct tape. And not the good kind, like the one the nice meme man sells on the internet, but one fashioned from tar and used hospital bandages—again, most likely scavenged from the landfill.

For normal people, that might be fine. It's their God-given right to be as dumb and reckless as they want. But for us, two bad boys that are very prone to plot-driven accidents, this place might as well be a minefield.

Truly, this is the shittiest fair. A perfect place for a first date. That is if we get out of the truck in the first place.

Hayden and I are sitting in the Dick-movil, staring at the people mingling around in the maws of tetanus and possible gangrene that comprised the various rides, mulling the string of terrible bad choices that have led us to this piece of hell in the middle of Bumfuck, America. On one hand, I believe that swimming in a river full of used needles would be healthier than stepping foot in this radioactive wasteland—and believe me, if I wanted to swim in such a river I have one very handy in front of me—but, on the other hand, holy shit, holy shit, pinch my nipple and call me Betty, I'm on a date with Hayden and I wanna be loved and spoiled and have lots of forehead kisses.

I've never been on a date, period. I don't even believe in calendars. I'm torn between safety and love, and I'm pretty sure neither is willing to budge.

Speaking of things I want to tear me in half, Hayden. He's sitting there, all tensed up, hand on my thigh, gace drifting into the distance, the other hand over his mouth in pondering. I can't read his mind, but I can bet he's thinking the same as me.

"You know," I say, squeezing myself towards him, "we don't have to do this if you don't want to. It's not the most romantic place for a first date, after all."

Hayden squeezes my leg harder, as if just remembering I was there with him. "No, no. I wanna do this, babe. I really am."

"Seriously, bear-bear, we can go if you're not comfortable," I say.

"Who says I ain't comfortable?" he says, clearly uncomfortable, his teeth grinding with every pause. "I'm super hella comfortable. Fo shizzle. I'm just... In awe, that's all."

"Babe, you're talking like a SoundCloud rapper, you're clearly not comfortable."

Hayden clears his throat, shifting in his seat. "Really, Imma... I'm fine. Besides, we already spent a lot of gas getting to this part of town. We are going to step out of the Dick-mobile, and we are going to have one swell of a time, ol' chap."

"Now you're talking like an old-timey British person," I say. I close the gap further, coiling my arm around his. "C'mon, baby. We can have our first date later. Let's just go home."

Suddenly, Hayden takes a deep breath and puffs up. His grip is so tight that my leg is starting to go numb. He's so hot. "No, don't worry. We are here already. Besides, it's not where I am, it's who I am with, and I'm with the man that I love. Besides, look at the bright side. There are not many lines, there's a petting zoo, and even though we are in a heatwave, there's a nice cloud covering the sun. That's sure to make things fresh."