The Bad Boys' Soft Boys' Lonely Hearts Club - The Full Package

The End...ish

Life is a soup, and I'm a fork.

Sure, I can get a few chunks of meat and carrots and whatever other shit soup is supposed to have. Lemongrass? Pasta? Whatever. I can dredge up a few morsels of some gourmet shit, but all in all, I can never get to the good part.

Being a bad boy is like being a fork, in a sense. Everyone likes how edgy and pointy and metal you are, but when push comes to shove, you want a reliable spoon to finish the job. And I want to be a spoon, believe me. I'm tired of having a few dredges of peace and quiet. I want the whole thing. I wanna be a fucking goat on the side of a hill, heating grass and shit, not having to worry about washboard abs or borderline personality pixie chicks/dudes trying to suck my perfecly average, girthy, meaty dick like a Roomba. I'm mixing metaphors now.

Okay, let's say life is a goat soup on top of a Roomba trying to suck your dick or vajayjay. You have to chase it down, scarf down the tough goat meat, and drink the thing. Hard thing to do with a fork. What if I fall down and make my eye into a meatball? That would make me even sexier. A bad boy with an eyepatch is gonna open the floodgates, of the sticky variety.

And I've tried, dear reader. I've really tried to pursue the goat soup Roomba without having my dick sucked. It's a rat race. I can get close enough to snatch a pea, which is hella weird to have in a goat soup, but I'm always starving. All I want is to graduate, become a customer service representative, and be happy. I thought I could go at it alone and... well, you've read the last two seasons. That ain't flying. Every time I thought I had achieved peace and happiness, there comes the goat roomba, ready to suck my dick. I can outrun it, but I can't hide. No matter how far I go, there it is, smacking its lips, ready to tango.

This is when I realized that I'll never be free. I'll never be able to drink the soup with the bad boy fork, simply because I'm being an idiot. I thought that if I laid my head down, played the Roomba soup game of life, and snatched what little I could muster, I would survive. And I failed. I failed, dear reader. I brought dishonor to me, to you, to our family, to our cows, and to our Jungkooks.

Because I thought that playing the soup Roomba game would make me whole. I tried to play by their rules, and got burned.

So, fuck that noise. You know what? I'm a goddamned bad boy. I was born a bad boy, I've been living as a bad boy all my life, and I'll die a bad boy. Why the fuck would a bad boy play by the world's rules? Why is a bad boy dancing around a dick sucking Roomba while eating soup with a fork? Fuck the Roomba! Fuck the fork! A bad boy would punt that little fucker across the room, grab the bowl, and drink that shit straight up! No spoon, no fork, nothing.

It's time to grab the life soup by the handles and drink that shit up.

But how, you might be wondering, does one sexy, washboard-abbed mysterious bad boy would go about doing that? After all, I've been trying to do that for two fucking seasons. Well, in the immortal words of Mahatma Gandhi: hate the player, not the game. The only way to win the bad boy life game is not to play in the first place. To get the soup, I'll have to not be a bad boy anymore.

Meaning, I have to end the plot. I've been avoiding the plot like the plague, which means jack shit. But that's wrong. So wrong. In order to finish this, I have to lean into the plot, take it to the conclusion, and end things.

Think about it. A bad boy only stops being a bad boy when the story ends, and a bad boy's story can only end in two ways: Either the bad boy sacrifices himself for a greater good—which I won't do, since dying is not a very rockstar move—or to get the TAG/B and live happily ever after. And I'm not talking about being an item or a thing or boyfriend/girlfriend. No, that leads to a sequel, and I'm sick of sequels. We're not trying to reinvent "Fifty Shades of Kissing Booth" over here. No, the only permanent way for a bad boy to kick the Roomba is to get the TAG/B, for good, in the eyes of God and country.