COSMOS

Myosotis: forget-me-not

If you had passed me flat and dark, like how a wind passes through tree shadows. But if you had passed my shadow with a small ripple, I would have become a fish. I would have become a lively airplane inside the pond that you have captured me, shooting up to the surface that I believe it to be the sky.

We could have broken up like plants. A dream of us standing at the same place, unknowing of our illnesses, secretly aching, and crumbling down. A dream of us breaking up and growing up as plants again. A dream of my shadow meeting yours, forming a marsh. An impossible fish is growing, under the mercury lamp.

There were couples playing badminton. Shadows of shuttlecocks flew through the air with sweet steps. Lovers that swung rackets like fishes. Lovers that looked like trees exchanging flowers. Sweaty lovers gathering up their tender shadows. And your shadow that overlapped with mine, crawling like a snake underneath-

A shadow is trembling in the park at night. A wind that came later is passing a wind that arrived earlier. At that moment, if your shadow was your chair, if your invisible shadow was a bright flower shade, I could be exhausted, at last.

-Transparency, Jinsung Park

By this time, don't you think you should have learned how to talk flowers? Don't tell me you don't know why those little blue flowers with yellow centers earned a meaning of forget-me-not. ...Really?

Let me give you a hint. It involves another stupid couple and a tragic love story. Those folktales were definitely not for children, what do you think?

***

Should there be a reason why Justin was so drawn to Brett?

When he saw Brett crouched down on the gray asphalt, crying his heart out, he felt a similar pang in his stomach. When Brett looked up with his teary eyes, his cheek flushed red, the beauty of the moment stopped everything around him. He knew Brett loved someone else. He knew the reason why Brett was coughing flowers. Out of all the people, Justin knew the disease very well.

Still, Justin stayed.

Gosh, Brett, you are too beautiful to cry for someone like him. I will help you move on. I will heal your gentle heart. I want you to be happy. Or am I also wishing for something that I shouldn't? Am I being selfish? Tell me, Brett. Then I will leave.

***

Brett half-wished Justin was not in his home when he returned. The guilt in his stomach was eating him alive. There were five unreceived calls on his cellphone, all from Justin.

When Brett creaked open the front door, Justin stood up from the couch, silently. Justin didn't say a word as he just looked at Brett, unmoving.

"Justin," Brett closed the front door carefully, afraid to break the tension in the air.

"...did you eat anything?" Justin asked in a calm voice.

"Um...some chips and..."

"So, no."

Justin walked over to the kitchen without further questions. Brett could hear the sound of the microwave and the smell of fried rice heating up. Brett slowly walked over to the kitchen while Justin put a plate on the table. Brett was hungry and the smell of fried rice was wonderful, but his mouth felt dry.

"Come on, you need to eat," Justin handed Brett a plastic spoon.

Justin's eyes widened in surprise when Brett winced unconsciously as he sat down on the chair. His eyes darted to evident bruises on Brett's neck, his swollen lips, how Brett has said Eddy broke up with his girlfriend, and everything began to match in Justin's head like an easy puzzle.

"I'm...sorry," Brett whispered.

"What are you sorry about?" Justin asked, his voice trembling slightly.

"You are the best thing that has happened to me since these cosmoses. You were...so patient with me...and...I appreciate it but......." Brett's voice trailed faintly, replaced by a burst of tears. Everything was blurry now. A world came into focus again when the fat tears rolled down to his cheek and to the fried rice, still steaming hot.

"Brett, You know, I know, we know, you had someone else in your heart from the start. But it was my choice to stay with you."

"I could never understand it. Why did you do that?" Brett choked out, wiping his tears.

"I don't know. I just fell for you that day when you were outside my cafe and I was...wishing....that maybe if you move on, you will finally be able to look at me the way you look at Eddy."

Brett's face was covered with pain as he put the spoon back on the table.

"...I can't do this anymore, Justin."

"Eddy or me?" Justin asked, his voice strained.

"You," Brett replied, looking straight into Justin's warm eyes, hating himself for doing this to someone who was only nice to him. Brett stood up, their shadows overlapping, standing in front of Justin with determined eyes.

"I can't make you happy," Brett gently touched Justin's cheek.

"I can make you happy," Justin spoke softly, placing his hand onto Brett's cold hand.

"I don't need to be happy," Brett fully knew that he was the one who has chosen to be hurt like this.

"Brett, have I asked you for anything? I have never asked you for anything, right?" Justin closed his eyes to prevent himself from crying.

Brett shook his head in reply.

"This is the only thing that I will ask of you. I want you to be happy. Don't hurt yourself, please. For me."

Justin's hand trailed to Brett's bruises on his neck, wishing desperately that Eddy hasn't broken Brett too much. If you're not going to heal him, at least don't cause any more damage, right? Justin wished Eddy was gentle when he entered Brett, careful to check if Brett was alright during those moments. Justin knew it wasn't at all true when he saw Brett shifting uncomfortably on the chair just now but still, he wished with all his heart.

Everyone around you is selfish, Brett. They all want something from you. Be selfish for your own interest, for once.

"I will try," Brett finally replied, avoiding Justin's eyes.

Justin hugged Brett, feeling the small man enduring all the crushing weight on his heart.

"It can never be me?" Justin murmured in Brett's ears.

"It can never be you," Brett shook his head, tears rolling down his cheek. It was more for Justin's sake than for Brett.

I don't deserve you. I can't bear to hurt you like how much I'm hurting right now. So you will have to let me go.

***

The night was dark and cold without Justin by his side. Brett tossed and turned in his bed, searching for the warmth that soothed him during all those sleepless nights but couldn't find any.

When Brett woke up the next morning, he looked out the window with hollow eyes, realizing that the purple chrysanthemums were gone. Justin has taken them.

And the realization of losing someone that precious hit Brett finally and he crouched down to the floor, crying as he erased Justin out of his phone.

*myosotis*