sour boy | suna rintarou (eng)

38

From that day on, Suna resumed coming to school as before. His workouts were a bit underwhelming at first, but he easily caught up with his teammates.
Inarizaki was able to qualify for nationals. 'Tsumu was over the moon, as were the rest of his teammates, especially Suna. When we were alone in my room the night after the last game, he confessed to me that he was glad he played, because if he hadn't he would've regretted it for the rest of his life. He thanked me, saying that it was almost all because of me.

Suna and I really spent a lot of time together. We mostly studied, fucked and talked. Suna would always get upset when I asked him questions about new bruises or the situation in his house, so I'd stopped asking. He would willingly tell me about the messes in his head, but he wasn't ready to share everything with me yet.
He made me tremendously confused. I wasn't so blind that I didn't realize what kind of situation Suna and I were getting ourselves into, but I was too scared to talk to him about it. I was aware that my feelings toward that insufferable boy had changed and, a small part of me, believed it was the same for him. Sometimes I could tell by the way he looked at me or the way he caressed me; it made me feel almost embarrassed, but it was so beautiful...
I too would get lost in admiring him and often felt the need to be close to him. I wondered if he really felt the same way. But even if he did, what would change? I was still the little girl scared of relationships from a few months earlier, after all...
«What are you thinking?» he asked as we sat on the roof of my house in the middle of the night.
I shifted my gaze to him. Was I supposed to tell him? Was I supposed to tell him about everything that was going through my head at the moment?
I sighed and looked up at the sky again. «I don't know. I just feel... I feel like I'm missing something.»
«You'll have to explain yourself better...»
I squeezed in my shoulders. «It's not easy, Suna! It's like I have... An empty stomach - that's it! - constantly. It's like nothing is ever enough even though I have everything already.»
Suna turned my face toward him. «It happens to me too, a lot. Especially when you're close to me.»
I stared at him, confused. «Do I make you feel empty?» I asked in a wry tone, because it was too absurd a sentence to be serious.
«Yes,» Suna replied, in a voice so firm that it left me stunned. It was as if he wanted to tell me something else with that simple word, as if he wanted me to understand something.
He looked into my eyes, caressing my cheek gently. I felt a strong sense of comfort that allowed me to feel safe enough to close my eyes and let Suna do whatever he wanted with me. He gently kissed my lips and whispered, «Let's not fall in love, okay?»
I lazily opened my eyes. «Okay,» I agreed.
He kissed me again, then kissed my forehead and stroked my hair. I rested my head on his shoulder and let the fingers of our hands intertwine.
When I fell asleep later that night, I dreamed I was a bird trying to fly against the wind.

The parties my brothers took me to were usually pretty quiet, with just a few people and not too much music. This time, however, it was a total mess.
We were at someone's house that I didn't know and at least a hundred other people were there. I was clinging to 'Tsumu's arm for fear of getting lost in the crowd and getting anxious, but I couldn't keep it up all night.
Of course, with the alcohol starting to kick in and the environment becoming more familiar, it became easier to break away from my brothers and get closer to Suna instead, until he disappeared.
Atsumu and Osamu were increasingly confused about the way the relationship between Suna and I had changed over the past few months. We still teased and annoyed each other, but now we could talk civilly in front of everyone and even laugh together without holding back to save appearances. Atsumu, who wasn't able or interested in reading people, noticed our situation but didn't suspect in the slightest that there was something more going on between me and Suna. Osamu, on the other hand, was much more observant and made it difficult for us to be calm whenever he was around: we limited inside jokes, physical contact, and even glances. While there was nothing wrong with the things we did, Suna and I preferred to keep them private. Parties were neutral ground, where we could allow ourselves to be closer with some excuse and get away from my brothers without being too obvious, so I wondered why Suna wasn't there with me but who knows where alone.
I told my brothers I wanted to take a walk outside the house and walked away.
I took a few breaths of air, studying the garden and the back of the house to look for Suna, but no sign of him.
I went back inside and searched again and again and again until I found him.
He was sitting on a small couch having a drink with a very pretty girl. She was a brunette with short hair and a sweet, friendly smile.
I felt something in my chest, a feeling that I hated and that made me want to run away.
It's okay, I told myself. Suna can do whatever he wants. He doesn't want to fall in love, and neither do I. We don't have a relationship or any kind of agreement that prevents us from going with other people. I'm the first one who didn't mind going out with other guys - at least until two months ago. Now I wouldn't. That doesn't mean he shouldn't either, though. Enough, why am I even thinking about this?
I took a big breath and walked out of the house again.
Why did I feel this way now? Suna was constantly surrounded by girls: at school, at volleyball games, at parties... What was different about it this time?
This time he seemed to want her too, my conscience suggested.
I shook my head as if that would physically drive these thoughts from my mind, which it didn't - obviously.
I was reminded of a phrase Suna had said to me some time before, at one of Iseri's parties, "When can I stop sharing you with others?" I hadn't understood what he meant at the time, but now... Now it was painfully clear to me. Although he was probably joking when he'd asked me that, now I wanted to ask him the same thing: when will I have permission to be jealous?

Hi!
Sorry for the absence last week. I can't promise it won't happen again, but I'll try to give you a heads up sooner. The truth is, I'm losing track of time a little bit with all the things I have to do these days, but I hope to regain my balance soon.
I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Until next time :)