The Way I Feel Inside | h.s.

32

Bee's POV:

A gust of wind hit my cheeks, and I sighed out happily at the cooling sensation as I looked down over the buildings of Ballard. Harry and I were seated side by side on the balcony in two white chairs, our feet up on the small table in front of us. We were both bundled up in fluffy white robes, courtesy of the hotel.

I had no idea what time it was, and I didn't care to know. My eyelids were heavy, my physical self definitely tired, but I wasn't ready to give into it yet.

"You know," I said, eyes still cast downward to the city, "I've done this kind of thing before." Then I looked over to Harry, who was looking at me. "The whole 'weekend getaway'... 'whirlwind romance' type of thing."

"Yeah?" His lips curled up slightly and he nodded. "Doesn't surprise me, to be honest. You do seem pretty at-ease hanging out with strangers."

I nodded. "It's sort of my preferred way of socializing, honestly."

He smirked, and I was thankful to have just enough light coming from inside the suite so I could see his dimple pop. "You prefer to hang out with strangers?"

I tilted my chin up slightly in thought. "I just really like meeting new people because I get to decide what version of myself to show them, and they can't call me out for anything. Because they don't know me," I shrugged.

His brows crinkled then. "Why don't you want people to know you?"

I paused, considering his question. I hadn't actually thought about it before, and now that the question was hanging in the air, I realized how loaded it really was.

I brought my gaze back to below us and tightened my arms in their place across my chest, pulling the robe closer around me in the cool night air. "People do know me," I began, "and I'm not saying that I'm fake or a liar. If you put all the people who knew me in a room, you wouldn't get conflicting information or anything," I defended.

I looked up to Harry as he spoke. "I didn't think you were fake," he said simply, gazing at me intently, and I felt my defensiveness dissipate as his eyes didn't hold any judgement - only curiosity.

I swallowed before continuing. "I cheated," I said quietly, still looking at him. "The college boyfriend, the One Direction fan," I smiled lightly, getting a flick of a smile back from Harry as well, "I cheated on him." My smile fell and I looked down to my toes.

I took a deep breath, knowing I'd need to continue to answer his question. "It was the last semester of college, I had a full schedule of classes and two internships, and a part-time job at an event venue. My boyfriend and I had been dating for about a year... we'd visited each other's families, my parents adored him, he even started talking about proposing to me." I exhaled a laugh and shook my head. "It was everything I thought I'd wanted since I was a little girl, down to the color of his eyes, which were a beautiful crystal blue."

I ran my hand through my hair, then shoved both my hands into the pockets of my robe, still staring at my feet. "But one morning I woke up and I..." I paused, shaking my head again, "...I just didn't love him." I looked over to Harry, who was still watching me with his glittering eyes. "I didn't love him," I repeated, still confused after six years about how that could be possible. 

I brought my eyes back to my feet and continued. "The cheating thing was so dumb," I said with wide eyes, "I had too much to drink with the staff at the event venue I worked at. Ended up making out with the chef," I chuckled to myself, remembering the sheer stupidity of it all. "He wasn't even hot!" I exclaimed, glancing over to Harry. "Truly," I said to him with my eyes still widened.