Feelings

Apathy

My heart ached. From pain or from joy, I don't know. I find it harder to distinguish the two day by day. It doesn't matter anyway, apathy will soon take over and fill the void that was once overflowing with joy. Now a days, my mind finds a single crumb of joy and destroys it. It's not welcome. Nor is it important. How much longer till there's none left? Who knows. Some day there will be no more crumbs of joy to fulfill me and help me move forward. How long will I be able to last without it? Probably not long. When joy runs dry, death will pry. Clawing at me with its claws and begging me to join it in it's never ending dance of defeat. But until then, I will keep digging deeper and deeper in hopes to find one more crumb of joy. Something. Anything. Even the thought of grieving would feel better than nothing. The feel of your heart stinging, pulling, and sinking would feel much better than never feeling anything. It's scary.
Not feeling.
It feels like you're just floating around and watching people through a screen. People you can't even remember your relation to. People whom feel love and comfort in your presence, yet all you could ever give in return is a cold dead stare void of anything.

I cried yet I felt nothing. Nothing towards the woman whom raised me and nothing towards the one person I cherish more than life it's self. Tears felt foreign as they slowly cascaded down the face of a person I can't remember right now. Watching things fly by out the window, no thoughts came to mind. Silence.

I always hated it and I always will. But this kind is different. Is nice. Numbing. Despite feeling nothing, I felt it easier to breathe. I don't like this.
For the first time today I cried at school. In public. On my friends shoulder. Though I tried my hardest, I know she didn't understand what I was feeling. It was the lack of feeling that I couldn't explain, and that she couldn't understand. My mother couldn't understand it either, she shrugged her shoulders and just assumed I was upset.

Imagine standing in a blank room, a room void of color, sounds, and light. It's filled to the brim with nothing and overflowing with silence. Once you picture that room I want you to freeze that thought, hold it in your hand and take it in like you're reading a book. It won't take long for it to sink in that you're not really reading anything. Just air in your hands.
Once you realize that there's nothing you may just barely be able to feel how I felt.
No noise.
No light.
No love.
No joy.
No sadness.
No anger.
No fear.
My favorite part. No fear. Nothing could scare me, no, instead I would scare it with my dead eyes and bored expression.
Friends couldn't help and nor could family.

While in class one day (this happened last year) all my emotions shut off and I went through the rest of that week with nothing to say, think or do. Sometimes I still feel nothing but some things still make me smile.
💕
Smile for me.