Feelings

Idk family stuff I guess

My dad is a really old fashioned person which is okay yeah that's fine whatever. Until you realize how small minded he is.

He's so small minded that if he says something, then it is the god forsaken truth and nothing can change that. If he tells you to do something an you don't do it the way he told you, then you did it wrong and you have to do it all again.
One time my mother wanted to learn to play the guitar and she asked him to teach her. Long story short, my dad failed to realize that everyone does things differently and my mom never learned to play.

One time at dinner my dad said I'm going to make a fine wife and a good mother, I responded by telling him that I had no interest in either of those things and then he proceeded to lecture me about how that's my sole purpose. To find a husband and have kids.
My father is a very strong believer in the fact that all woman can do is work in the house and keep their heads down while they take care of the kids and the men work. One time making it as far as to say my mother wouldn't be where she was without him, a man, and that ended in a fight.

My father is also a very strong political supporter (what he supports I will not say) and he also believes in so many theories that the government is controlling us and we're all brainwashed. He's gone as far as borderline yelling (extremely passionate talking) at my friend about how horrible Disney is and it made her cry when i finally pulled her away into my room.

My dad is so passionate about the government controlling us but he does the same thing at home. Think of it as simon says.

Simon says, do your chores.
Simon says, eat all the food on your plate.
Simon says go to your room.
Simon says, help your mother.
Simon says, get a boyfriend.
Simon says, don't look too long at that girl.
Simon says, you can't listen to that song cause I don like the name of it.
Simon says, bow your head.
Simon says, clean my mess.
Simon says, stop talking.
Simon says, you're not allowed to have thoughts because you're a girl.
Simon says, don't talk back to me because i am the man of the house now sit down.

Now that might not sound so bad to you but I bet most people didn't reread all the "Simon says". You probably didn't either.
You didn't read it because it's repetitive and obnoxious and you already know it's there so whats the point in reading the same thing over and over again, just get to the point.
You probably noticed that they all started as small mundane thing till they started getting bigger and bigger. If I kept going, they wouldn't stop until the last one sounded like this,

Simon says you will think, talk, walk, and be just like me.

A small minded person in the same room as two of the most open and understanding people. One is not afraid to open their mouth but the other is so petrified at the mere thought of speaking back to Simon because they have been conditioned their whole life to listen to Simon and do everything Simon says. Can you guess which one I am?

There is no justification as to why Simon holds all the power, only that "I am the man so that means I am stronger."
I mean sure do whatever you want but don't suffocate me. Thats what it feels like sometimes. Like a balloon is getting crushed between two beds of sharp nails and because of all the pressure, it has no room to pop.

No room to break down and no room to breathe.
My father follows the Bible and he is a strong believer that gay people are horrible and they should be stripped away of any human rights because of their preference.

My mother is the opposite, she supports and she is kind to everyone unless they do her wrong. I came out to her (halfway) and she accepted me and now knows that I share a mutual love for both male and female. The day I told her, she called her friend and asked for help because she has no idea how to tell my father. He won't take to it very well and I can only see one of two endings with that conversation. I always try to have a positive side but this time, there is none.
There is simply no hope.

My dad has always told me that he loves me unconditionally and that I'm beautiful no matter what.
Really?
We've resorted to lying?
I've grown up my whole life hearing how he hates gay people, he hates people who don't take a stand and how he hates people who go different ways.
People like me.
He hates people who are silent but he indirectly tells me to shut my mouth and clean the house like a good future wife and mother.
He tells me how everything I am growing up with is fake and horrible but everything he grew up with was good and not brainwashing. Those conversations make me cry and the only way I can stop myself from doing that in the ihop where we sit is to stare with a blank face and let my mind wander to the best of. It's ability.
My mother pulled me aside and yelled at me cause I was hurting my dad's feelings by glaring at him while he speaks and looking unamused.
I did the one thing I told myself not too.

I cried.
She stopped yelling at me in that moment as I stood before her shaking and crying because at that moment she got a glimpse of how I felt.
Through my tears I told her that I didn't want to hear about how the things I love are horrible and how everything I know to be is horrible and evil and bad.
I have been suffocated my whole life and not one of them have realized. Maybe my mother just started to realize that day and has been picking up on it since.
I've been told to not cry when i mess up.
I've been told to not cry when being yelled at
I've been told to not cry for "stupid reasons."

Because of that, I cry too much. When i make a mistake and someone corrects me, even if they are calm and sweet about it and make it very clear that it's no big deal, I cry. I break down because I'm so scared they will get in my face and yell at me about how I did it wrong, why I did it wrong, or that I didn't do it well enough.
I'm so scared to do new things because it's been inbedded into my mind that I can't mess up.

Sometimes it feels like I get punished for being human.
Sorry I fell asleep and didn't do my chore that night.
Sorry I completely forgot and I didn't wipe the counter.
Sorry I didn't vacuum at the time you wanted me to but I'll do it now if you'd like.
I don't like messing up. It makes me feel worthless and like I fucked up everything.
One time my friend was over and my puppy peed on the floor and my father seen it and he calmly told me what to do and how to properly clean it up but it had dawned on me that I haven't been cleaning it up properly this whole time and I messed up. I stepped out of line and he noticed.
I slacked and he noticed.
I proceeded to cry, which greatly confused him. After he was finished talking to me and I finished cleaning up, I fell to my knees in the bathroom and cried for about ten minutes. I came back out after cleaning my face and just sat on the floor and didn't speak.

I've been told everything I do is wrong and it's always handled with brute force. Like when you are whispering but to get you to be guiet, that one kid in the class screams for everyone to pay attention. And I refuse to step out of line because in his eyes, I am a woman, I can't do things in my own, and I am the youngest.
I've watched one relationship fall apart because someone stepped up and wasn't afraid to speak.
I don't care how bad I want to scream, strash my body around and hit.
I

Will

Not

Speak.