Feelings

Anxiety

Five.

Five painfully simple yet powerful feelings. Five steps. Five stages.

1- heartbeat

2-panic

3-confusion

4- realization

5- breathe

1- heartbeat.
The door was opened for whoever knocked on the other side, and a boy walked in. A boy I didn't want to see. I had embarrassed myself in front of him just the day before and I wasn't ready to face him yet. My heart increased knowing that I would have to speak to him.
We were doing an activity that required you to speak to everyone in the class once.

Halfway through my paper, one eye never leaving his figure, I had avoided him till now.
I raised my hand and patiently waited for another person to do the same.
Seconds later him and his partner raised their hands, they were ready for someone else. I froze in place as my heart increased in speed. I had already spoken to his partner, whom was a very sweet girl. He walked over once he realized that I was the only person with a raised hand. Oh how I wished I could disappear at this very moment.
My chest felt numb as my heart slammed and scrapped at my rib cage.
He stood right next to me, shoulders nearly touching, my cheeks glowing red as a smooth calm voice escaped his lips. It wasn't much of an interaction. All that was said was "I have ----", "sooo. Mine goes first." and lastly, "thank you." all was said by him. I hadn't uttered a word from fear. I had no reason to be scared, he had probably forgotten yesterday's mishap and he was very sweet, quiet, and calm. Yet my heart wouldn't shut the hell up. Embarrassment still present in my system and adulation towards the boy also made itself present. It really didn't help that he was very attractive.

He walked away after we exchanged our cards and after his kind thank you. I still hadn't finished my paper like everyone else. Standing in the front of the class while everyone sat down only made things worse. My heart is going to explode at this point.

2- panic
The red that was previously on my face and ears was replaced with a pale lifeless color. I turned in my almost finished paper then sat down. I only sat for a moment before I stood up to talk to the teacher. I patiently waited for the person in front of me to finish before I stepped forwards. The tears didn't start till I opened my mouth, one fell as I asked to be momentarily excused from the class.
As soon as I got my approval, I bolted for the door then fell to a fetal position on the floor as I cried and struggled to breathe.

3- confusion
Why am I even here? I shouldn't even be panicking right now. Why do I do this to myself? Why must my heart be so fragile? The initial panic had nearly ceased to exist by now as my brain started to function again.

4- realization
I'm having an anxiety attack because I was scared he would remember yesterday. He's just a person and I'm as insignificant to him as the dirt under his shoes, he doesn't remember. My heart calmed as I recognized my problems and I spoke them out.

5- breathe
Now to focus on air. In. Out. In. Out. It's as easy as that.
Slowly take in air to get rid of the shake and trembling. Hold if for relaxation. Slowly release for a sense of calm.
Repeat till heart rate declines.

There are five prominent stages after my attacks. These feelings determine the rest of my day and sometimes I don't get through all of them and I end up getting stuck at one.
Post anxiety feelings

1- jitters
2- calm
3- depressive state
4- drowsy
5- lack of motivation

1- jitters
I walked back into class slowly with my head hung low as I drew as little attention to me as possible, hands fiddling with my bracelet. I glanced over at the boy who, unbeknownst to him, was the main cause. He simply worked on his project while listening to music without a care in the world.
I sat in my seat and sunk down far as I pulled, twisted, and tugged on my rubber band bracelet. It snapped from pressure and despite my sad attempts to fix it, I had to throw it away.

2- calm
My leg stopped bouncing as my heart returned to normal and my fear left. The fear ceased to exist and I just sat there not knowing what to do.

3- Depressive state
I slowly wrote what I was supposed to do on my paper so I could do it at home. My heart sinks slowly into a pit of despair. The girl next to me asked if I was okay and I simply nodded my head with a blank stare while still slowly scribbling words on my paper. I sat silently for the rest of the class.

4- drowsy
Fifth period started. I sat at my chair with my instrument in my lap. The notes on the paper in front of me seemed to split into two as my eyes refused to focus. They droopped shut and my head kept dropping backwards, nearly slamming on the top of the chair behind me.
Despite all the instruments playing loudly, I still dozed off at least twice.

5- lack of motivation
Walking to the car line slowly with my hands in my pockets and a bored expression on my face. I hugged my friends hello then put on my headphones and blasted music. I didn't get the same rush of joy I normally get from the music so I put on a really fast and upbeat song.

It didn't help.
My mother came to pick me up and I didn't say hi. Not even a facial change.

This is pretty much how my anxiety works everytime. I don't know if it'll help you but it helps me so if anyone was to ask me how to deal with a panic attack I would tell you to get something to fidget with and do the same thing over and over. The sence of control could help. Also I would tell them to recognize the problem. Why are you panicking and what's happening while you're panicking? Focus on one thing at a time, don't overwhelm yourself even more💕💕