Feelings

Dinner

Walking into the restaurant, it started with a small jitter and every once in a while, a sudden anxiety tic.
Patiently waiting for the table to be ready, people's voices started to get loud.

We made it to the table and looking over the menu was odd because I couldn't focus. Both my parents constantly asked what I was going to eat and my mother started listing off things I might want, all of which I said no to.
Leg bouncing uncontrollably and hands playing with my hair tie under the table, my mother knew what was wrong while my father sat clueless and completely oblivious to what was happening. He continued to try to make conversation and jokes but I sat staring at the table completely unresponsive. Both parents asked multiple times, "what's wrong?" but I didn't have an answer cause I couldn't even place what was causing the problem.

Everything was so loud, overwhelming, and bright. I played with my straw holder by ripping it apart and crumbling the pieces into paper balls. I tore apart two whole straw holders just so I could have a repetitive task so I could gain control of something.
I also did something I would normally never dare to do inside a restaurant, I pulled out my headphones and turned on something to listen to. I turned on white noise and I turned it on loud to drown out all the people.

I made a perfect square out of all my paper balls and I didn't look up from the table once.
After the check was paid and we drove home, my dad made a joke to try and cheer me up but I just gave a weak smile and walked away. I don't have the energy to talk.

I sent my mother a message after I went into my room, apologizing for ruining her birthday dinner and just telling her I don't feel right. I prepared an explanation to how I felt cause I thought she would ask what's wrong.
I feel like if I take a bite out if anything, I'll throw up, I feel like something is pressing down and I can't breathe, hands are crushing my soul and no thoughts can come through,i feel emotionally and physically drained to the point i don't want to breathe anymore, and I don't want to be here but all she said back was, "its okay. Feel better." so I guess I didn't have to explain anything.
I think that's my favorite part. Not having to explain anything. I thin she's gotten to the poin that she understands that deliberately asking what's wrong is only going to make the problem worse cause I won't be able to answer her and not being able to answer, gives me more anxiety.

Now I'm just laying in bed in the fetal position, listening to white noise with my led lights set to a dim red to calm my mind.