The Girl In The Safe Haven

Part Ten: Not Crazy

Thomas walked across the beach, the waves crashing and the morning ocean breeze brushing against his cheeks. He looked back to the Safe Haven and listened as kids played and people laughed. This was what you all fought so hard to accomplish, and it all paid off. Though, there was one thing Thomas couldn't get off his mind.
You.
Thomas wanted to talk to Newt, tell him that he was sorry about everything, but he couldn't muster up the courage to even look him in the eyes. He believed that he could have done more, that if he tried harder then maybe you would still be alive. Thomas knew that Newt didn't blame him for your death, but he blamed himself.
As Thomas let the warm summer water wash over his bare feet, he heard footsteps come up behind him. The tall shadow loomed over him and he knew it was Gally. The two boys didn't say anything for a while, the awkward silence killing him.
"Did you do it?" Thomas asked, making Gally look down to him. "Chuck's name was on the rock, was that you?" That same silence hung over the two boys again before Gally cleared his throat.
"I uh, yeah, I did." Gally told him. "I'm sorry if you wanted to do it but..."
"No," Thomas interrupted him. "No, I'm glad it was you."
"Thank you for understanding." Gally said and Thomas nodded, thinking about what to say next. "(Y/n) told me that I could have redemption, but I had to forgive myself."
"She was right." Thomas said and Gally looked out to the ocean. "You redeemed yourself Gally, and I forgive you. None of this would have happened without you."
"Yeah but she's still dead." Gally said and Thomas sighed. "And I couldn't save her. She was the first person to believe in my redemption."
"You can't blame yourself for this, cause this was what she wanted, all of it." Thomas told him but deep down he knew he was talking to himself just as much as Gally. Thomas knew that those words alone couldn't make anyone feel better, including himself, but something could be done. Something that had to be done.
"We need to put her name on the rock." Thomas finally spoke and Gally seemed to have stopped breathing for a second. He, just like all of your friends, have avoided putting your name on the rock because doing so would make it all real. But they knew they've held it off long enough.
"Do you think he's ready for it?" Gally asked and Thomas looked away from the calming ocean to meet Gally's eyes.
"Newt? No, but I don't think he ever will be." Thomas said, "it has to be him."
The two boys took one more glance at the ocean and let the waves wash over their feet. Then, without saying a word, they turned around and made their way back to camp.

Newt watched as people worked in the gardens and he remembered the Glade. He remembered him and Zart planting and tending to their crops everyday. Oh how he missed the glade. Then you came to mind once again.
It seemed that no matter where he went, no matter how hard he tried, Newt couldn't escape you. The beach, the speeches, the bonfires, and now the gardens. Everywhere had some kind of attachment to you in his mind and it killed him. There was no escaping this guilty pain. The best he could do was walk, at least he didn't stop long enough to attach some kind of memory to anything else.
People waved to him with big smiles and positivity radiating from them. He wanted that feeling, but that all went down in that burning building. He just felt lost and didn't know how to find his way yet, if he ever would at all. Then, his eyes caught sight of a group all huddled around the rock of names of the people who had died. This made him curious.
Newt made his way over and it didn't take him long to see who they were. It was his friends. There was Thomas, Minho, and Gally of course, along with Aris, Brenda, Fry, and Teresa. They all saw Newt approach and they all looked at him with a somber expression, like he was a sad abused puppy. He then caught sight of the chisel in Thomas's hand.
"What the bloody hell is going on?" Newt asked and Minho spoke up.
"We were just about to look for you." Minho said but Newt shook his head. He could hear his rapid heartbeat echo in his ears, making it hard to hear. He knew what was happening, but he didn't want to believe it.
"That doesn't answer my question." Newt said, denying what was happening.
"Newt..." Teresa started but Newt looked her dead in the eyes, a glare shooting her down and stopping her from talking.
"No, you don't get to speak." Newt told her, and he felt bad for saying it the moment he let it slip. But he didn't apologise, only looked over to Minho and Thomas specifically.
"Newt, it's been over twenty four hours since it all happened." Minho told him and Newt could feel his blood run cold.
"It's time Newt." Thomas said, walking over to Newt and gently resting the chisel in his hand. "We've held it off long enough."
"She deserves this." Brenda told him and they all nodded their head.
Newt looked down to the chisel then up to the rock. He saw names, some he knew like Chuck and Alby, others he didn't. He found the perfect place, one that was right below Chuck's name. He looked back down to the chisel.
You did deserve it, being recognised and commemorated. He really thought that he could do it, that it was finally time to stop hiding. Maybe by doing this, the thoughts would stop. The constant memories that would play like movies in his head would disappear. Maybe he could finally start to move on and try to live the life you died for.
He tightened his grip on the handle and looked up to meet eyes with his friends. He skimmed over their faces, but ultimately landed on Gally and they didn't shift.
He never realised how alike he and you were, and looking at him just brought you back to Newt's mind. Then, this voice echoed through his head. Your voice shouting his name. He thought about the moment on the boat, he knew he heard you. He couldn't do this, not yet.
"No." Newt said flatly and he saw the disappointment in all of their faces when he said that. He made them think for a second that he was ready to start healing. "No, I heard her."
"Again with this?!" Gally exclaimed and Frypan put a hand on his shoulder. "You have to stop!"
"You don't believe me? You think I'm lying?!" Newt said, his voice raising.
"You have to stop, your only hurting yourself!" Brenda told him but Newt shook his head.
"You don't understand!" Newt was shouting now. "If you were there-"
"I was there Newt!" Gally exclaimed. "I didn't hear a thing."
Newt turned to Thomas and Minho. Surely, if anyone was to believe him, it would be them. But when he looked over, he got the same looks that he was getting from everyone else.
"Tommy?" Newt said, still shouting. "Minho?!"
"You have to move on." Aris said silently but Newt didn't take his eyes off Minho. The boy who has been his best friend for years, the boy who saved him from himself, the boy who never gave up on him.
"Minho?" Newt said softly this time but Minho couldn't look at him. This made Newt's blood boil.
"You all think I'm crazy." Newt scoffed but they all shook their heads.
"No one said that..." Brenda tried.
"No, you do, cause I had the flare, right?" Newt could feel the anger rise up inside of him. Even without the flare, he felt his anger take control of him.
"Newt..."
"No!" Newt yelled, looking down to the chisel and then wrapping his hand around the handle so hard that his knuckles turned white. He then, without thinking, used all his strength to throw the tool across the entire beach. He couldn't see where it landed.
Newt, breathing heavily, expected to turn and see angry faces. Instead, all he saw was pity. But he didn't want pity. He didn't know what he wanted.
"I'm not crazy." Newt said, and then walked away.
He didn't know where he was going but he couldn't stay there. Not with them. He wasn't mad at them, he just couldn't stand it anymore. He walked with no purpose, with no emotion, but all he wanted was to know. Not of where he was going, but wanted to know whether you were truly dead. Though, deep inside, he already knew the answer. Avoiding it just made it easier.