The Awakening

11.

*Noaman's POV*

Darkness, one word, innumerable meanings. For a herb, darkness is when it can't photosynthesise. For a Korean, darkness is when he laughs. For an animal, darkness is when it can't see. For me, darkness is my Angel's absence. She who was my light, my hoor, my purpose to live, my wife. And what I did with her. I mercilessly butchered her innocent heart, snatched away her carefree smile.

I made her feel worthless when she is the most precious gift of Allah to me. I made her regret the day we consummated when it's the only time I have felt over the moon. I forced her to leave me, when every cell in my body screams for her presence, her to laugh at me, for her to cook for me, for her to kiss me back, for her to call me Maan.....

When she first called me Maan that day to ask me about my lunch, I was frozen, frozen in time, unable to believe I could get such admiration from her. My heart raced so fast I was afraid it would burst out. I swear it's the only moment I have been left speechless. It was almost impossible to gather myself back and give a nonchalant reply. I wish I would have told her right then I want to hear her call me that for the rest of life. But I didn't. I am my own fucking death wish.

I never wanted to get close to her. I knew she is beyond my reach. She is Mr.Patel's daughter. The man that saved my mother when she wanted to jump off the bridge after my father's death. He consoled her and promised he would make sure her family had a bread-winner now. He supported our family with his private expenses until I was grown enough to be trained into this field that I am today. That was 10 years ago. I owe him my life. It's because of him that we had our mother with us atleast for the next eight years. It is because of him I can carry my brother's expenses while he studies and becomes a graduate, something I could only dream of. I could only study until Pre University. It's because of him I have a decent house today.

A house that her friends didn't consider worthy enough for her to reside at. A husband that they think doesn't deserve her. A marriage that is  nothing but a hindrance towards her dream of Chicago University. I heard it all. How she tried defending me, how in the end she realised her dream is worth more than me.

I was there at the time she messaged me to come home. I overheard her friends trying to embarrass her for choosing me. That's all I can be, an embarrassment to her. I saw her trying to defend me. How realisation dawned upon her that she wouldn't ever give up that dream for a man like me. My heart broke when she said that. I knew I couldn't walk in with that discovery. So I walked away. Until I could regain my senses. Until I could decide what to do next.

My plan was in action the moment I stepped into the house at midnight again, when she hugged me, it took everything in me not to inhale her lavender scent and pin her to the wall asking her to give herself to me completely, heart , soul and body. But that would be too selfish of me. I needed to set her free to fulfil her dreams, I owe her atleast that much. It almost took my life away to push her back and walk upstairs. I somehow managed to spew some bullshit about how it was all physical when it wasn't. It was as much special to me as it was to her to have lost my virginity to her.

But my cursed self couldn't even confess that. I heard every sob that left her that day. Every cry of pain that will forever remain etched in my brain to haunt me. Everyday that followed after was a visit to hell and back again. The only time I could see her properly was when she was asleep at night. I sat beside her, trying  to soothe her pain when it was all inflicted by me. There was never a day when she hadn't cried for me. That's when I knew I am going to rot in hell.

I expected her to leave me just after the day I misbehaved but she stayed back. She fulfilled every responsibility of a wife without expectations. Without demanding answers. That's when I started suffocating more in guilt. She had started losing weight, she was spiralling into depression. I knew I had to do something fast.

So my stupid self decided to pick a woman from the bar, pay her for acting before my wife and drop her back to her place in the morning. After that I knew she would walk out of my life. Atleast she would complete her dreams. But what I didn't expect was her to react the way she did. When the glass broke at my door, I was unbuttoning my shirt so she doesn't suspect this was all an act. When I walk out, I went blank at the murderous expression on her face and I knew I messed up real bad.

If I wasn't the one who created this mess, I would applaud Nikkhu for what she did to make heer stand clear. How she threw that woman out warning her. But my world stopped when she said she would send me the divorce papers. I would rather die than divorce her. And when she called me Mr.Ahmed, I wanted to grovel at her feet, apologise and beg her to take me back. I don't think I can stand her calling me anything but Maan again. When she walked out, did I actually realise the intensity of the damage I have done. I signed entry into my personal hell with my own fucking hands with her departure.

Please come back Nikkhu, I can't live without you. I will die. I will die without you. I am sorry. Please just come back.....

I can't sleep, nor can I breath. I walk into her room looking for something that may give me her warmth. I see her dupatta on the couch. I take it with me to her bed. Her pillow smells like her. This has to do. I can't ask her to come back to me. I can't be selfish. Even if it kills me, I can't have her back. I wrap her dupatta in my hand trying to find some light in the darkness that I have imposed upon myself.

*One week later*

I insert the master key, push open the door, welcomed by the darkness when it could have been my Angel there standing with open arms. Oh how I wish it was her! But I had to do this to myself. Invite darkness like a fuking chief guest. I walk towards the kitchen, on the lights and stumble slightly before reaching the fridge. My vision goes hazy. I try balancing and after a few seconds drink water. Just as I am about cook something, my phone goes off.

It's from the headquarters, they call only when there is an emergency. "Agent Ahmed speaking, at Borivali Colony Control" I say. " Agent Ahmed, you are required to reach the CMO ( Chief Minister's Office), Mr.Patel's daughter has been kidnapped. Report to CMO within twenty" "Roger that" I say and hang up. I sit on the kitchen counter. I shouldn't have let you go Angel, it's happening because of me. Not the time to wallow in self pity Noaman. Time for action.

I reach the CMO quickly and am escorted to Mr.Patel's cabin. I can see the panic in his eyes. His daughter is the only family left and she is his everything. I know the feeling all too well. "How did she get kidnapped Noaman? I had entrusted you with her responsibility. She looked pale when she came to meet me but I didn't question. Did you not have track of her activities" he shouts at me and rightly so, I deserve it and much more. But right now I need my Angel in my arms even if I have to kill for it.

"I apologise Sir, please trust my word for it when I say your daughter will be back with you by the end of this day." With that I walk into the Control Room and ask the guy on desk to track the number. I had put a tracker into her bracelet which I am sure she hasn't removed. The moment we have the location tracked, I am off to the abandoned factory.

"Agent Ahmed, you need back up. You can't go in there alone. This is suicide."
"I can't wait until we prepare men. Please send back up behind me. I am leaving right now."

I start racing my bike towards the place. Just hold on princess, your Maan will be there in no time.