Love made Visible

XXXIV. Hate this.

Mina. 

I woke up on my alarm still feeling exhausted and sleepy. It was so hard to sleep with all those thoughts swarming my head. I end up playing games for me to stop thinking. I think I slept around 3am. 

I forced myself to get up took my towel and necessities and went out to take a shower. After changing I went to the kitchen and grab some cereal and milk. The girls were at the dining table eating. I sat in front of Sana. Jihyo who was beside me looked at me and said:

Jihyo: You looked like a zombie, have you even slept?

Me: Yeah for a few hours.

Jihyo: Why? Is something bothering you? or someone?

I immediately looked at Jihyo and stare at her in disbelief.

Nayeon: Why is there someone whos bothering you?

Nayeon unnie asked, all of them looking  at me curiously.

Me: No, no one.

She then looked at Jihyo unnie.

Nayeon: then why did you said that?

Jihyo: No reason, It just came out of my mouth.

She said shrugging her shoulders. Unbothered, She continue to eat while Nayeon unnie's eyes narrowed like she see's something suspicious. I get the feeling she would ask me again later thanks to Jihyo unnie.

Sana: Mitang

Me: hmm?

I looked at Sana who leaned forward and was smiling widely at me.

Sana: Chaeyoung said I should go with you next time to her house. She said she'll cook for us.

I froze while Jihyo choked on what shes eating. 

Nayeon: you talked to Chaeyoung last night?

Momo: I thought you were just joking when you had her wait for your message.

Sana: yeah, I asked for her number after dinner. 

Nayeon unnie who looked curious, asked her what I had on mind

Nayeon: Why?

Sana: What? Can't I be friends with her? and besides Mina already know her.

After what happened last night and now this? I can feel heat starting to rise on my face. The same annoyance I felt last night is back. 

I went back to my senses when I felt a hand on my back. It was Jihyo unnie's, probably asking me if Im okay.

Sana: She's awesome. She's not just an architect but she can cook too. Youll bring me with you next time right Mina?

She was looking at me excitedly but I can't find my voice to speak so I just nodded. I then took a spoonful of my cereal and stood put the bowl on the sink and went back to my room. I don't wanna hear anymore.

As soon as I closed the door, I leaned back on the door then slowly slid down with tears start streaming down. 

I hate this. I hate what I'm feeling. Stop this Mina. You shouldn't care if Chaeyoung wants to talk to her. Remember why you chose not to act on what you're feeling. You can't be jealous of Sana. You shouldn't care about them cause you can't like Chaeyoung. That's me talking to myself.

This makes me think if I'm doing the right thing. I continue to let the tears drip as I sat on the floor.

I got startled as I heard a knock on my door.

Jihyo: Mina?

I didnt reply. After a few seconds I heard her footsteps as she left.

I then heard my phone buzzed. I wiped my tears and stood up.

I checked on the messages which Chaeyoung sent 2 as well as Jihyo.

I opened Jihyos first.

9.15am

You dont look okay. I was meaning to talk to you since yesterday. Dont let Sana get to you, Shes only interested in her as a friend.

9.15am

By the way, just to remind you that we have a schedule at 11. Talk to me when youre ready.

Jihyo unnie has been so supportive of me. She always knew if somethings bothering me. She even knew Im jealous of Sana unnie. I wonder what she will say when I tell her I chose not to entertain what I feel for Chaeyoung.

I then looked at the unopened message of Chaeyoung. Just by looking at it I could already feel a little pang in my heart. I took a deep breath and opened her message.

8.10am

Good morning pretty angel. Hope you were able to have a good rest last night. Hit me up when youre ready to talk. 

8.50am

I miss you.

Her last message send me a shockwave of emotions. Happy to know she misses me yet hate the thought of feeling happy when she miss me. I suddenly feel sad not being able to feel that nice feeling whenever I'm with her. This is for the better Mina, I told myself.

 I can feel that I'm about to tear up again. So I shook my head and stood up. I typed a reply quickly so that I wouldn't think of anything more to say. I just need to gradually lessen my reply or messages to her until we eventually no longer message each other.

9.20am

Good morning. Im preparing now we have a schedule today. talk to you later.

After sending my reply I tossed my phone in the bed and took a deep breath. Starting today I'd go back to my old routine, Work-Home-Work. Our schedule would be hectic since itll be just a week til our comeback. I was about to check our schedule on my phone when I heard it buzzed. I decided not to get it and just started to prepare what Im going to wear and bring.

An hour and a half later Me and Jihyo was the last one to go inside the van. To my dismay Sana unnie was there sitting at the back with Jeongyeon unnie. She was talking and laughing with someone over the phone. I was looking for my earpods on my bag when Sana called me.

Sana: Mitang, Chaeyoung was asking if we could go this weekend. I told her we'd go since its our rest day.

Me: I'll check if I can. I might be going somewhere this weekend.

I said then put on my earpods and played some music. So It was her shes talking to. I played some games to drown out anything I could think of and hear. Half an hour later we arrived at our destination.

Jihyo walked by my side, took my arm and smiled. I smiled weakly at her. We looked at each other silently agreeing not to talk about it yet.

In between breaks you could see Sana either typing or talking on her phone. I tried my best to stay away from her so that I couldnt hear or even talk to her. So most of the time I was alone. I was always playing games which helps me to stop thinking of anything or anyone. 

Later in the evening after our dinner I was alone by the sofa at the other waiting room. I closed my phone and shut my eyes for a second but slowly drift off to sleep. a few minutes later I felt someone sat beside me and draped a blanket on me then hugged me. I then smell a perfume indicating that it was Sana unnie.

I almost cried, here I am distancing myself away from her and yet she still sit beside me, put a blanket and even hugged me. I hate myself for feeling this way over Sana when she didn't do anything. She will always be Sana unnie who have been with me through thick and thin through the years. I then took hold of her arms, hugged her too and drift back to sleep smiling.