Scandalous Affair: Atlas Mate

27

O L I V I A   V A L E Z

I blinked twice and remained silent. Planets and stars are hovering out of nothing perceptible. I know they don't linger in space precariously. I know there are elements at play that have a firm grasp on them. But it is the improbability that makes a mark when the Hubble sends back a picture of stars in a sea of blackness. I peered out the star-strewn window, taking in the sight of the debris splattering in the heavens.

I remained to gaze outside. I was taking in the horrible nightmare that made me jolting up to consciousness. It was the same nightmare over and over again. Same voices, same faces, the same phrase, and the same scenario. It was all the same nightmare for the past few months after my seventeenth birthday. All the things that happened that day kept hunting me every fucking day and even in my sleep.

My eyes snapped open, and my body was covered in a cold sweat, shaking, heart pounding. Looking around the room, suspicious and paranoid that the horror may have followed me here, I got up cautiously, shivering, as I rubbed my head and eyes and tried to awaken fully. For a long minute, I didn't know where I was or what was really happening. All that I knew was that I was scared. 

And when I finally realized that I was having a nightmare, I stumbled as I ran to the bathroom. I hurriedly rubbed my hands with the hand soap as I felt the cold water on my skin. I closed my eyes as I chanted in my head that I'm clean. I'm clean. I'm clean. I'm clean. I'm clean.

But Beauty's angry and disgusted voice was louder than my chant. 

"You skank! You are a dirty, disgusting little whore! You are still a kid, a minor, yet you seduce older men! You are the dirtiest kind of whore I knew! You got no shame, no dignity, and no decency! You are so fucking dirty! You disgusting shit!"

No, no, no, I'm not clean. I'm dirty... so dirty that I don't have any dignity left. I'm disgusting.

I rubbed my hands more together—forcefully this time. I opened my eyes, and my tears started falling. I didn't bother wiping it. I kept washing my hands for god knows how long. Ang gusto ko lang naman ay ang matanggal ang pagiging madumi ko. I felt like my hands were so dirty. Napatigil lang ako sa paghugas ng kamay anng makaramdam an ako ng hapdi. Nanginginig kong itinaas ang basa kong kamay habang humihikbi. Mas lalo akong naiyak nang makitang namumula na ang aking kamay.

Pinunas ko sa aking damit ang basang kamay, pagkatapos ay ang pisnging basa sa luha ang aking sinunod. Nakatingin sa akin si Moneta pagkalabas ko ng bathroom. Binigyan ko lamang ito ng isang maliit na ngiti bago byumalik sa kama.

Ayon ang mga ginawa ko bago ako tumulala habang nakatingin sa bintana. Ngayon, parang ayoko ng matulog kung paulit-ulit akong hahabulin ng mga salitang iyon. Ayoko na. Kaya kahit ramdam ko ang pagod at hapdi ng aking mata ay na natili itong mulat. At kahit maya't-maya ang aking paghikab ay hindi ako humiga. Ang kanina pang nakamasid sa aking si Moneta ay bumalik na sa pagtulog.

It's three-thirty in the dawn, and I'm still fully awake. Hangang sa makita ko na nag pagsikat ng haring araw ay na natili lang akong gising. Masakit ang ulo ko at ang mata nang pumasok ako sa university namin. Hinihilot ko ang aking sentido nang may biglang umakbay sa akin habang naglalakad papuntang classroom. 

"Good morning, Oly!" masiglang bati sa akin ni Prim.

"Morning," tamad ko namang usal.

Napahinto ako sa paglalakad nang huminto rin si Prim. Nagtataka ko siyang tinignan habang hinihilot pa rin ang aking sentido. Hinawakan ako ni Prim sa aking balikat at iniharap sa kaniya. Kunot noo niya akong pinagmasadan.

"Bakit ba lagi kang mukhang puyat? Okay ka lang ba?"

Hinawi ko ang pagkahahawak niya sa aking balikat, "I'm fine."