Rigs Redding University: Bexley 2

Chapter Twelve

DANE

I really don't want to do this.

Even though I know she never lied there's this weird residual anger like maybe she did and I'm being fooled and so is Kai and we don't get to have something good like Bexley.

I feel like hiding.

Mostly I don't want to do this because I hurt someone I love.

I don't know how to make something like this better. There aren't that many people I care enough about to worry about working it out when I do something stupid. Kai, my parents, and my extended family, have been it for so long

In the past years Oz and Ryker, but they're dudes, and then Eli and Phoenix, but they're also dudes.

Bexley is different.

And now I sound dumb in my own head.

Of course she's fucking different, she's the woman I love. The first woman I've ever loved even a little bit.

We did something stupid and horrible and she cried and ran away.

If we'd hurt any of the guys there'd be a physical fight and we'd beat the shit out of each other.

When my parents are disappointed it hangs so heavy in the air you could suffocate, all without them having to say a motherfucking word.

I don't know what to do with someone who goes for flight rather than fight, who turns inward and tries to physically hide instead of retaliating instantly like your average awful fucking person.

Why couldn't she just keep yelling at us until we got the message?

But...we were really cold about it and I can see why she wouldn't want to argue about this in particular.

No one likes to be called a liar, particularly people who are not liars.

Our mom is a really big liar.

She lies a lot and it's taught us to be fearful of what's being covered up when people lie.

Kai always wants to believe her, he wants what she tells us to be true so badly.

I don't believe a fucking word she says but I love her despite the lying. She deserves that love but it's hard.

I really don't want another liar in my life and I definitely don't want to love another liar.

It's really hard.

God, we're so fucking stupid. Why couldn't we just hear Bexley instead of backing away and shutting down?

How do you unlearn a reaction like ours, though?

When I get to Quad D I sit on the stoop.

I can't bear to ask to be let in and get denied.

I'd deserve it, but I still don't want it to happen.

I don't deserve to come into the dorm and talk to her. To try to make her live with us for her safety. But we need her to do that because she really can't stay here.

If I can't get her to do this she's gonna learn something new and interesting about Ryker that she doesn't need to know yet.

Ryker always gets his way.

Always.

If he throws his weight around over this she's going to feel disrespected. Even though that's not what he'd be trying to do or why he'd be doing it.

The door opens behind me and I know it's her because the door doesn't start to shut right away and it's like the person is considering going back inside instead of coming out.