HIM and My WHYS [ PerthSaint ] Unedited

Epilogue

[3 years later]

I pulled my jacket closer to my body as I felt the cold breeze of the night wind on my skin. I looked up and admired the twinkling stars and the bright moon of the night sky as I strode on the side of the busy road of Bangkok.

I'm on my way to the bar I am currently working on as a performer. Don't get me wrong, I'm not broke or having trouble financially, it just became a habit and at the same time my stress reliever from college. Performing also brings a lot of memories, wonderful memories, that even though I tried to forget, it'll always comeback fresh so I just gave up trying and let myself reminisce.

As I opened the door of the entrance, I was greeted by a slow jazz music. It's heavenly. I felt relaxed the first thing my foot stepped inside the bar. I immediately headed to the bar's counter to greet my boss, Ploi.

" Good evening P'Ploi. " I said while smiling sweetly at him.

" Good evening too Saint. Are you ready to perform now? " He said with a smile as well.

" I am. Can I go up on stage now? " I asked.

" Of course you can. Go ahead, the stage is yours. " He said so I gave him a smile before proceeding to the stage.

I fixed the strap of my accustic guitar across my chest as I sat comfortably on the chair in the middle of the stage. I also placed the mic in front of my mouth hoping it won't fall like last time. I took a deep breath before strumming and starting a song that never left my head ever since I heard it.

Summer after high school when we first met
We'd make out in your Mustang to Radiohead
And on my 18th birthday we got matching tattoos
Used to steal your parents' liquor and climb to the roof
Talk about our future like we had a clue

This song was always played on the radio every first thing of my morning. At first, I wasn't really interested and bothered by it but when I got to listen to it more and understand the lyrics, I realized that it's such a beautiful yet painful song.

Never planned that one day I'd be losing you

I would always be amused how this song is so relatable.

In another life
I would be your boy
We'd keep all our promises
Be us against the world

I close my eyes as a memory popped in my head.

(He was walking while looking at his phone with a confused expression. I hurried and close the gap between us and pushed him to the wall besides him. I locked him with my elbow after. Even though he's taller and more stronger than me, he looked weak right now because of shock and I'm taking that as my advantage.

" How could you do that in front of many people?! " I yelled at his face which is now close to mine. My heart was beating fast, maybe because of anger.

I was lucky because there was no student in this area, just us two. I could feel his heart beating fast in my elbow, but he doesn't looked scared rather he looked at me with confused expression.

" I don't understand you. " He said to me. He looked calmer now but he didn't do anything to get out from our current position.

" That video. " I paused because I remembered what I watched earlier again. " Why the hell did you do that?! Do you intentionally wanted me to be a laughing stock of the school?! Well good news for you, your plan worked! Are you happy now?! " I yelled at him again. I am so frustrated right now.

He looked more confused. " I didn't want things to go this way, believe me Saint. I panicked because you were unconscious, I'm sorry that I didn't think and just carried you to the clinic. I'm really sorry Saint. " He said with pain written on his eyes.

I was lost of words. Is it because how I liked it when my name came out of his mouth or maybe because he made me realize how I fcked up right now. I think it's both.

I let go of him and took a step back. " Nevermind. " Was all I told him before I turn my back. I didn't even bother to look at him and just left as fast as I can.)

Our first meeting that wasn't very pleasant. I smiled bitterly. I tried to forget that awful memory but I can't because it was the first time we layed eyes on each other while I was conscious and it's very special.

In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say you were
The one that got away
The one that got away

Damn, the lyrics does hurt specially if your mind is suddenly reminiscing memories from a treasure chest which you thought was already buried six feet under the ground.

I was June and you were my Johnny Cash
Never one without the other, we made a pact
Sometimes when I miss you I put those records on (whoa)
Someone said you had your tattoo removed
Saw you downtown singing the blues
It's time to face the music, I'm no longer your muse

It would be a lie if I say that I don't miss him. It's been 3 years already but the love and the pain is still there. I thought it was already forgotten which it should be but I realized that I can't lie to myself anymore. I can't say that I don't remember him because in the first place, I never forgotten, never did and never will be.

But in another life
I would be your boy
We'd keep all our promises
Be us against the world
In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say you were
The one that got away
The one that got away

Maybe the reason because I was so attached to this is song is it's the unspoken truth of what happened to us. The lyrics feels like it was written for us that were meant to be said to each other.

All this money can't buy me a time machine, no
Can't replace you with a million rings, no
I should've told you what you meant to me (whoa)

I felt my eyes watered as the regrets that I should've done before when I was still able to hold him and feel his presence came rushing throughout my mind. I should've let aside the fear of being hurt and rejected and confessed to him and maybe things would've turn in a better way. Maybe I could still be able to talk to him or be with him. Maybe...

'Cause now I pay the price
In another life
I would be your boy
We'd keep all our promises
Be us against the world
In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say you were
The one that got away
The one that got away
In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say you were
The one that got away
The one that got away

As I sang the last chorus I could feel my voice cracking as the tears that I've been holding ran across my cheek but I still go on and finished the song.

He was my everything then turned into nothing. Even though our love wasn't enough for us to be together I will forever be grateful of being part of his life, a star around his moon and a chapter on his book. I will never regret meeting him because it was the most beautiful thing that ever happened in my life.

Maybe one day we can finally be together. Maybe one day, he can finally answer the whys inside my head. In this lifetime or in another I don't really care. If it happens, I will never let him go. But for now all that I can do is to reminisce the memories and think of him and my whys.

FIN~