Destiny | Rudy Pankow

2.0

a/n: it's been a while but I'm going to be better I promise. I just got over a cold and I had to put my cat down. I have most of the idea planned out now so I know what I'm doing. Okay bye

TW: mentions of self harm and suicide

Once Austin pulled up to the apartments, Rudy tapped Danny's thigh to try and get her out of her trance, staring blankly at the back of the driver's seat.

"Hey, we're here." He said after pulling in of her head phones out of her ear.

"Okay." Danny said softly, almost inaudible.

The other three had already left, and where probably in the apartment. They just wanted to leave the two alone.

Rudy picked up all of Danny's things, put them in her backpack, and held his hand out for her. 

"Ready?" He asked.

"Uh- yeah, mhm." She said quietly. She grabbed his hand so he could lead her inside. They made it to her and Maddie's apartment and opened the door. 

Danny offered a small smile to her friends.

Bailey got up off the couch and hugged her. Danny didn't hug back but she put her head in Maddie's neck to show some sort of affection.

"How are you feeling?" She whispered.

"Numb." Danny to said truthfully, loud enough for everyone to hear. Maddie soon let go of her and Danny excused herself from the room.

She closed her door and went to lay on her bed.

She just wanted to be alone, feel anything, feel pain, feel something, any emotion that didn't have her as stuck as a statue. She curled up into a ball debating her feelings.

A lot had happened this past week and she just needed to think it all through.

Trying to come to the fact that one person was dead is hard enough, but two people that she really cared about and looked up to, that was even harder.

She couldn't help but think what would've happened if she had just stayed longer. Would that have changed the outcome?

Thinking over all the times with her dad her mind brought her to the other day when he was 'cleaning' her medication. Now she knew he wasn't cleaning it, he was taking some.

He planned this out, he knew Danny was coming home, which meant pills where coming with her. He wanted to feel numb, he even wanted to feel this numb. Gone numb.

She wasn't taking her fucking pills again. They fricken killed her dad.

A soft knock came from her door which pulled her out of her spiralling thoughts.

"Go away." She said loud enough for whoever was at the door to hear her. The door opened anyways, and soon she felt the other side of her bed sink in.

A hand started rubbing her back, she jerked herself away for a second but then relaxed. That's something she did way to often.

"Rudy told me you've been writing?" The voice, known as Austin asked.

"Yeah, to get my mind off of my grandpa, you know?" She asked.

"Yeah I got you." Austin said.

"It's therapeutic, it helps me." Danny offered.

"Did you know I play the drums?" Austin asked, trying to keep topics flowing so she didn't think about reality.

"I think I knew. Wanna know what I play?" Danny laughed.

"Tell me." Austin said playing with her hair.

"Well I play a ukulele, that was the first instrument I ever learned. All guitars, because there all the same strings just different sounds. I play piano, Rudy tried teaching me harmonica, but I don't see what he sees in it. Hmm, I played clarinet in second maybe third grade, but I gave up because I broke my finger or something stupid." Danny said.

"Do you know any songs on the ukulele?" Austin asked, because that's the instrument he was most intrigued by.

"Yeah actually." Danny sat up and so did Austin. She hasn't realized that he left the door open and all of her friends where listening.

Walking over to her ukulele she grabbed it quickly and sat on her bed with her back to the door.

"So, this songs called Meteor Shower and it's by Cavetown." She started stunning her ukulele, humming along to the noise it was making. It was pretty much the same notes over and over again but she liked the song and the words. When she started singing it took Austin by surprise.

Her voice was so angelic, like if a soft fluffy cloud could sing, it would be Danny's voice. Once the song was over Austin's jaw dropped.

"It's actually the first song I learned-" Danny started.

"Holy shit!" Austin yelled.

"Shh." Danny laughed.

"Your fucking amazing, why the hell didn't you sing before, oh wait you have." Austin joked.

"I haven't sung to y'all." Danny said confused.

"Says Mrs. Princess Teenage Mind." Austin smiled.

Now Danny's jaw dropped.

"How. The. Fucking. Hell. Did. You. Find. That." Danny spoke totally embarrassed.

"Well JD found it in the shower, and we all listened to the entire album. It's fire man." Austin said remembering that day.

"Thanks." Danny said. "Could you help me with something?" Danny asked.

"Yeah, of course." Austin said just wanting to keep the girl happy.

Then overwhelming thoughts of her dad filed her head for no reason at all.  Finding a blank space on her very decorated wall she stared at it not wanting to have a panic attack in front of him.

Death was all she could think about. Slowly, she pulled her knees up to her chest and rocked forward and back, forward and back.

Austin waved a hand in front of her face, to snap her out of it.

"Danny?" He asked not gaining her attention.

"I just wanna see him." She said quietly absolutely no emotion at all.

"What do you mean?" Austin asked.

"I wanna be with him." She continued blankly.

"Hey, no. Your okay. He's safe now and your safe right here, your gonna stay right here, and maybe when your old and wrinkly you can see him again." Austin offered.

"No, I no, I need to say goodbye, I need to feel something." She whispered.

"No, you don't need to feel anything. You need to feel happy, not hurt, happy." He tried to calm her from her thoughts.

"I want to do it." She confessed quietly.

"No, you don't need to do it. Stay here with me, with Rudy, all your friends." Austin tried reasoning, but it wasn't going anywhere.

"No, I wanna feel pain, I-i wanna hurt myself." She whispered honestly. Rudy always gold her to be honest when she was talking about this stuff. If she's not honest then nobody knows exactly what she's thinking.

"Hey, I'm gonna get Rudy and your gonna stay right here with me. Stay here. I'll be right back with Rudy okay?" He asked.

"Okay." She said staring at the wall.

Austin got up and left, so Danny got up and locked the door shut.