Elegant Affair

III.I

"What should we do?"

"I don't know..." he whispered. Still staring at the two lines.

He can stare at it all he wants while trying to digest this new information. I, on the other hand, was fighting the urge to touch my belly. I know there's so much to think about. All of these aren't part of our plans but... here we are.

"I'll tell you what we shouldn't do," I said. My hands are just placed on top of the table. Nakaharap ako kay Matteo pero diretso lang ang tingin ko. I was staring at the white walls, hoping to get some of that simpleness. "Let's not get married." I felt the need to say that, just in case he's thinking that way or if he's on his way to get that conclusion.

"Okay," he answered simply.

Matteo's unusually quiet and so am I. It feels like I'm stuck in a messy maze. There's so much to think about, so many things to consider. There's Matteo, there's his family, my family, our friends, my plans. My plans... this isn't a part of my plan. I don't know if I need to adjust everything or just scratch everything out.

I swallowed the lump that was starting to form in my throat. This is a lot.

"Let's not tell anyone yet," I told him, letting him know that I'm forming some sort of a plan. "Not until it's for sure, at least... What if it's just a mistake?"

"What do you mean?"

"I... I still have two kits left. Maybe... it was just false positive?" I really don't want to be stupid right now and it's clear for me too that I'm trying to find an easy way out. If it would be negative, then I wouldn't be pregnant. Thus, there's no need to worry about anything.

I sound like a terrible mom already.

Matteo stayed after I told him I can take the test alone at home kahit pinaalis ko naman siya kanina dahil mukhang wala naman kami sa tamang pag-iisip. We're both speechless and clueless... as if it's not obvious with our silence and lack of better plans.

I've never been this nervous. With the licensure exam, I was worried but not up to this level. I was just staring at the kit while waiting for the two minutes to be over. Fuck, this is the longest two minutes of my life.

I can already taste the metal-like taste of my blood dahil sa pagkagat ng labi ko. I took a deep breath and then saw Matteo's reflection in the mirror. Siguro nga mas mabuting andito siya. We're not really talking much but having his presence is... okay, I guess. Not that it's making the situation better. Napansin niya sigurong nakatingin lang ako sa repleksyon niya. He held my hand without saying a word. My hand really felt cold against his.

"Is the two minutes over?"

"Kanina pa."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Matteo being Matteo again. He wouldn't be himself if he can't find a way to be annoying.

"Hindi ko din napansin ang oras."

I knew it. I just sighed and brushed away his hand, so I can look at the result but I froze midway. I don't think I can do it.

"You want me to see it first?"

"Go ahead."

I backed off and walked backward until my back touched the cold tiles on the walls. Matteo walked towards the test kit placed in the sink area. Imbes na doon tumingin, I kept my eyes locked on his face trying to read every raise of an eyebrow or the reflection on his eyes. But he was unreadable. He is, most of the time, unpredictable and I didn't mind before but I wish I can read his mind right now.

Until he finally looked at me. I didn't say a word, naghihintay sa susunod na sasabihin niya.

"Congratulations," he says and I wonder if he's congratulating me because it's positive or negative. He may have read the confusion on my expression. "There are two lines."

Oh, dear.

A deep breath escaped my lips. Paanong nangyaring wala naman akong ginawa kundi kanina pa but I'm this exhausted already.

But oh, dear.

I was wishing minutes ago that things would be easier but... it's just that... things will be messy, really messy.

"Matteo Nickolai," I called. "Just... for the record, this kid is yours."

There were a lot of things in my head and later, I know there will be a lot on my plate too. But before everything and before everyone knows about this, I want to clarify that to Matteo.

For the first time since we knew about this, I saw a hint of a smile on his face, even if it shows all sorts of different emotions. "No doubt," he tells me before placing a light kiss on my forehead.